Crack I wouldn't pay for.

We've all seen it. You're just strolling through the mall, minding your own business..maybe heading to the nearest electronics store to write down all the tracks on the CD's you're going to snatch off your WiFi. (Or the neighbor's WiFi...depending how good the signal is in the bathroom that day.) And that's when you see it. You step in the store and just make it past the security sensors (which are just for show....trust me) and there is a clerk, squatting in an aisle, setting up inventory. Her new stylish hip hugging jeans don't quite live up to theie name, because the denim is doing the exact opposite of a hug...it is sliding for its dear overpriced life down this poor employee's hips allowing the flesh of her back to spill over the waist band and allowing the whole world to see the state of her back end split. Suddenly the whole world and space time continuum seem to stop, the situation hovering around you in one awkward moment.

There must be something done to prevent these kind of sightings. Cracks like these rarely have any street value. Even the most smarmy of men whore hunting won't stop for a girl using a plumber as fashion inspiration. (I would think they would wait for her to be in the car before they try to get a look at that.)

Crack sightings can be rated on a scale from "hm..she needs a belt" to "OMFG..CRACK KILLS..LOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU FAT PIECE OF SKANKY GARBAGE AUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH." For the duration of this blog...to make things easier I'll just use a 1-5 scale. (1=hm....5=OMFG.)

This crack falls into .5-1. The crack is dividing a rather shapely, well toned bum. While the crack is still an eyesore..there would be no qualms with the lady in the picture turning around and showing as much of her front as she does the back. If seen in public this crack would merit whistles, lewd comments and maybe a polite ''miss your trousers are slipping."

This little split is a 1 maybe a 2. The subject of the photo is obviously in a public place...unlike the previous subject who was in a more professional photography setting. While the professional runs the risk of being plastered on billboards and on other media..this little beauty is on the same level of the general public. You could touch this one...compliment her dimples..or just ask her for the sake of the children to wear a longer shirt.

This is a 3. Once again in a public place..she is engaged in childish exercise. The subject is obviously in need of some of this physical activity. She is beginning to sport a muffin top. (The fat of her back is spilling over the to of her pants..much like a muffin baking in a pan...except I don't want blueberries with this muffin.) This crack will be dealt with jeers from afar and maybe some daring teen flicking coins or pebbles...trying to hit the slot.

A 4. There seems to be a common theme of sitting in the grass for the low pants crowd..and it is not doing this crack disciple any justice. Not only has this woman achieved an advanced muffin top..she does not know how to operate that clashing belt on her hips. This crack merits an ice cube being convieniently dropped, perhaps a shout to put it away..and if you are super bold...a Lord of the Rings joke.

OMFG!! APPROACH A CREATURE SUCH AS THIS WITH NO RESTRAINT! Proffer a manual about carbohydrate intake...a botte of water..and a quip asking if Gollum survived the fall. A crack of this proportion should be written in the law books in the section about "public indecency."

I firmly believe it is time for this travesty to end. The precious human landscape is being littered with way too many cracks. Wandering cops should be given permission to not only crack (haha) down on loiterers, panhandlers, vandals..but crack peddlers. If humans are to be allowed to design pants that embrace the pelvic triangle...there should be some measure of responsibility expected to be taken. I'm not interested in seeing what people wipe. Asscracks are an eyesore. I know for a fact that the fancy boutiques and shops at the mall that distribute low hanging pants carry all sized belts. Complete your damn ensembles ladies..you're doing the world's optical health a favour.

1.