I've held off on the primaries for long enough. One blog on the Republican debate is hardly enough. Let's get down and get with it. Quite frankly, the election promises to be hilarious; it's already ridiculous enough to be some sort of bizarre SNL sketch.
Take, for example, Rudolph Giuliani. I always had problem with his lack of a red nose. It does not glow; therefore he has no claim to the Rudolph birthright. Not only that, but the man has the unmitigated gall to present me with the worst campaign slogan ever. It only takes a momentary usage of your critical thinking skills to realize that "Tested. Ready. Now." is pretty bad. From a purely English-language standpoint, it makes no sense. What's the noun? Rudy. Rudy's BEEN tested. Rudy IS ready. Rudy IS...WILL BE...now? I don't understand. To make things worse, Rudolph has paid someone good money for this train wreck. But seriously, folks...Giuliani is trying to run as an insider candidate. But running a city--even the biggest one we've got--doesn't prime you for running a country like he claims it does. Let's face it: Nothing can prepare you for being president. It's a job unlike any other.
So that lends a certain amount of credence to Barack Obama's viewpoint that the country needs change and it needs it now, that insiders are corrupted by the process and the time is ripe for the people to find their VOICES you running dog sons of bitches! Yes, he'd make a good Commie, but he's got a point--at least, he's got a point that the American people (the liberal ones, by and large) want desperately to hear. The only problem lies in how he's going to change America...and in that particular arena, he and Hillary "New York, New York, A Hell Of A Town" Clinton fall flat on their funny little faces.
Now, I like Obama, and I loathe Hillary. Being a New Yorker born and bred, I view her as a carpetbagger, only in reverse; she's come swooping in from Arkansas to run things in New York. And to make a long story short, she hasn't done anything particularly neat here. I couldn't name you anything she's done that was horrendous, but she's had a lackluster career, hardly distinguished enough for a Presidential bid. Except for two things that, put together, make a run very attractive to her. 1) She's got a recognized name, and 2) She's a woman (or so we are led to believe, though I have damning evidence she is in fact an automaton from the star system Rigel-V). A well-known woman politician? Why, she could be our first female President! Except for one fallacy: Having a vagina does not make you a better decision maker, madame. Be a natty dressy all you like, but sooner or later the American people will catch on to the fact that a female president is really nothing to write home about...unless she's super good at being president! Which she has yet to convince me of.
Hillary and Obama are both running on "Change, Muthafucka!" platforms. But they don't seem to want to change much. Or rather, they'd like to change but haven't actually told anybody what they'd do to change a thing. Both of them have separate health-care pllatforms...that's it. Obama has told everyone about how he'd send in the troops all over the place, and Hillary has said that diplomacy in the first year is an unreasonable promise to make. Let's look at both of these things right quick: Barack, just how do you expect to bring about change whilst invading more countries? Man, we haven't got the money to sustain the invasions we've got going on right now, are you joking? And Hillary. How is promising diplomacy within 365 days of your election a bad thing to promise? I just don't understand these two.
As for Kucinich...he looks like a dweeb. And he's still got the stigma of that tank photo-op years ago. Even I know about that one and I wasn't even alive. That's actually the only reason I knew the man's name when I heard he was running. "Oh, that schmuck?" The funny thing is, he matches my views more than somewhat. But he's got too much against him to break through, unless he starts publicizing in much better ways. Like getting a celebrity.
Like Chuck Norris. This is so cool. I don't like Mike Huckabee that much; not regarding his views, anyway. However, the man was the runaway winner of the CNN/YouTube Republican debate, I feel certain, due to his clear positions and rhetoric. I respect the man, but won't vote for him to represent me. However, he's someone every single person in the race can use some guidance from, because he's the only funny guy out there. Loosen the neckties, fellas, and Hillary...oh, just laugh, girl! But Huckabee has another thing going for him: Chuck "Created God by snapping his fingers" Norris. Chuck "Swims on land" Norris. Chuck you get my point, right? Even I'm impressed. Huckabee clearly knows what's going on. Facts about Chuck Norris are the biggest thing on the Net these days, not to mention in colleges and whatnot. He's managed to court two generation with one stone: The one that knows who Chuck Norris really is, and the one that knows he used to be on "Walker: Texas Ranger." (Oh, did you see what I did there? Fuck Dave Barry, son. This kid is hot.)
John McCain is vaguely eerie, but Fred Thompson is just a scary bastard. Looming over everyone...you can see the dude for miles and/miles and/miles and/ miles and/miiiiiiiiiilllles. Oh yeah. I can't sit still when he talks, I have to go to the bathroom. Never figured out what it is he stands for.
My problem with Romney is that he can't sit still either. He won't stay in one place long enough to answer a single question. That creepy-ass guy on the CNN debate, the one with the Bible and the crazy eyes? For those of you who didn't catch it, he jammed the Bible in the camera and asked if the Christians believed every word of it. Romney repeated himself at least five times: "It's the word of God." Not exactly an answer. Huckabee gave an answer, of course, and Romney could've just hopped on that one and rephrased it. But he didn't even have that courtesy! The courtesy to make it look like he had an answer! He just looked haunted. Anderson Cooper took the show to break...an unusually long one, so that he could go weep in a corner, I surmise. I would. Probably develop an eating disorder.
So there you have it: I have just trivialized a good third of the Presidential candidates. Now that you've read this and realized how silly both parties are, maybe you'll wise up and go find a good, healthy third party. About damn time, too.
Keep it hardcore.
--Samus
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Give it Away -- RHCP
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Think about it...
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tomorrowtoday
Sorry... I'd comment but I can't stop laughing... great post... *hurrah*