Lately, I've been getting the feeling that I've just woken up and I have no idea where I am. I have no memory of how I got here and what's happened to me in the past 5 months.
That happened to me today. We were on the beach, and Nicola and I were just walking in the sand, occasionally talking but also enjoying the ocean and the non-awkward silence. I love that. When you can be with someone and not feel like you have to constantly talk. Anyways, all of a sudden I felt extremely disoriented. Maybe it's because I was exhausted and kind of half-conscious as it was, but I felt like "What the hell?" all of a sudden.
I told Nicola today that sometimes, I have such a hate for San Diego it's unbelievable. But don't worry, S.D., it's nothing personal. I just associate it with a bad time, and so sometimes it's hard for me to think I actually LIKE it. The same stuff might've happened back in Wisconsin. I'm thinking it was inevitable. No matter where I am, I have a feeling I'd be in the same type of situation.
Nicola--as always--gave me some insight.
"Think of San Diego as your recovery place. You came here to get better."
She's a wise one, that Nicola.
At breakfast, Aimee called me feisty. This seriously made my day. It's nice to have someone compliment you on something totally non-appearance related. And feisty? Now that's an awesome adjective, in my opinion.
Speaking of breakfast, it's my favorite time of day here at the HG. Not because of the food (haha), but because it's just so relaxed, there's coffee available for my enjoyment, and it's the only meal we have that we don't have to say what our intention was and how we're feeling and all that deep emotional introspective shit. And lately, due to my body's inability to actually sleep, I'm usually the first one down in the morning. It's nice to just enjoy the quiet and watch the sunrise and listen to the coffee machines start their magic due to the automatic timer.
Things seem a lot better. Yesterday, I heard not one, not two, but THREE! of the "forbodden" songs. THREE! Seriously, by the third one, I was like "Come on!" But I was fine. I forgot about it. The only reason I bother mentioning it is because I felt excited it didn't affect me.
I've been having ED thoughts lately. And feeling guilty about them. Seriously, every time I think about food--whether it's to worry about it, whether it's because I'm hungry and actually looking forward to eating (God, that's the worst feeling of all)--I feel SO horrible. Like I'm this nasty, disgusting person who deserves to be locked up. And I don't know--maybe it's normal? To think about food when you're hungry? I don't know what's normal anymore. I don't even know if I'm really hungry or not! I just have to stick to the meal plan and just hope that I'm doing the right thing.
The physical recovery is there. It's possible. I know this. It's the mental shit that's hard to get rid of. And I feel like my body is maybe, MAYBE getting back to normal. That things will start functioning again properly, if you know what I mean. I'm suffering the before-you-know-what side affects. Normally, I'd be like "Uck. This sucks." But now it's like YEAAAAH!! I WORK AGAIN!!!
I'm going to church tomorrow.
First off, I can't believe I just typed that sentence. I have not been to church in about 8-9 years. But I figure, I won't have to wake up any earlier than normal to go tomorrow, I might as well while I'm here, and.....THERE'S A HOT PREACHER! An ex-quarterback, I heard? Maybe it's the Wisconsinite in me, but DAMN! A pseudo-celebrity delivering sermons??? I AM THERE! And the church is called THE ROCK. I find this to be strangely hilarious. I'm psyched.
What I'm not psyched about is the visit I'll be getting tomorrow from mi madre y mi padre. Goddamn. That is going to piss me off. I just had a 2 minute and 59 second conversation with my mom, in which she once again did not fail to disappoint.
Patty: "So what kinds of things do you eat for dinner there?"
Me: "A lot of different stuff. We pick recipes."
P-Dizzle: "Oh, because I'm looking for ideas of what to make. You know Dad, he's always looking for ways to lose weight."
Me: "WHAT THE HELL, MOM??? UGhghghgh I'll talk to you tomorrow."
CLICK!
Bitch won't call me back. She never does. She doesn't email, doesn't call, doesn't ANYTHING. AND she promised she'd change and actually do this shit. I got so fucking mad after this conversation, I shouted "MY MOM IS RETARDED!!!"
First off, I hate saying the R-word. I do. I feel bad. And second of all, I don't like displaying anger about my family in front of people. In a way, I don't want them to side with me and agree. If they do, I feel defensive all of a sudden. It's like, I can be pissed at them, but you can't talk shit. Let's take this outside.
My dad has this obsession with trying to get me to hate everything to do with Wisconsin. His latest bit o' trickery occurred yesterday, when he sent me a link from Journal Sentinal Online about public schools in Milwaukee having no funding or something. In his email, he wrote "Milwaukee has no opportunities right now. Students are poor."
WHY THE HELL DO I CARE ABOUT THE BUDGET FOR K-12 SCHOOLS IN MILWAUKEE???? Umm, don't know if you noticed, Dad, but I already graduated. I'm attending college, though not very willingly. And more importantly, STOP SENDING ME THIS SHIT!!!! Maybe you don't have any real relationships in your life, but I DO happen to have friends and 18 years of memories from the Land of the Poor Students. Fuck off.
The staff is sending our families packets on things like what to say and what not to say to a family member with an ED. I just wish they would've sent them sooner; the 'rents are coming tomorrow and BELIEVE ME, damage will be done.
I'm making them take me to Starbucks and I'm getting a venti. Maybe two.
We had dessert night tonight. I felt so overwhelmed. Yesterday was the pizza, which I was kinda okay with, but tonight we had dessert (half a toffee bar) AND a roll with our dinner. When I found out about the roll tonight (I had completely forgotten), I let out a dramatic and exasperated "UHHH!" and said "A roll AND dessert??? But last night was pizza!!!" And I stormed up stairs and read part of an astrology book. It made me feel better to read about the qualities of an Aquarius woman such as myself. Apparently we're quite flirty and irresistible.
But I digress.
AND tomorrow was going to be my pancake day. I guess I don't have to do it tomorrow, but I just thought "Sunday. Now that's a day for pancakes!" I have until Wednesday--when I meet with the dietitian--to do it. Maybe I'll wait for Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Wednesday. I just feel like I have to balance it out. Too much fatty food in a weekend. Nicola said she'd do it with me, to which I am SO SO grateful!! I did it with her last time, and it's amazing how much the support can help. I wanted to do a breakfast sandwich with her yesterday, but I just couldn't, knowing we'd have pizza that night. I'm so weak.
The OA meeting today surprisingly did not make me extremely homicidal towards everyone in the room. I found it to be very uplifting, actually. Hearing the stories of people who started off anorexic then turned to binging/purging made me go "YES! I AM NOT ALONE!!!" I still get confused as to what ED I actually have. I guess the answer would be multiple. I have a plethora (favorite word!) of Eds in my head. Triplets. Ed, Edd, and Eddie. Hehe.
Positive Things About January 12, 2008:
1. Starbucks
2. I laughed a lot. The people here are supa-dupa fly.
3. Nicola and I had a heart-to-heart. How I love those.
4. I wore my new sunglasses from Target. They're oversized and aren't crooked on my head. I hope people mistook me for a celebrity.
5. We went to this outdoor market thing today, and I think this hippie with dreads was flirting with me. Either that or he is just tickled pink to tell EVERY customer what EVERY piece of clothing is made out of.
"That shirt there? Part hemp, part soy. A little bit of cotton."
He also told me he'd been to Wisconsin (Found du Lac! Door County! How I miss hearing those names) and said he LIKED it. To quote Dread-Boy "It's one of the coolest places in the Midwest."
Um. When you say something like that, you OBVIOUSLY want to get into my pants. But then I saw this woman with dreads and this little kids running around with dreads. A whole dread family. Hmmm. Maybe I'm getting a little TOO confident.
But he's a hippie, so who the hell knows?
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