My parents shouldn't be the ones that are dragging me down instead of helping me back up.

I think I've found out why I've been acting a certain way towards my boyfriend. I think that it's because all of my life I haven't been treated how I should have been with my parents. And I just realized that today. Here is what happened, I know it sounds like something small but I just realized something because of it..well, I went downstairs and was looking through my brother's phone(who's 15) and I asked him if he had any girls numbers in there because there were a couple names that could have been either boys or a girls name. And I wasn't getting smart of anything at all! And he does "dont be a fucking smart ass''...and then said "don't fucking talking to me like that"..and I'm like what the heck! Because I wasn't even being smart or anything at all. And he kept saying I was. So I went and told my parents he was talking like that to me and I told him all I did was ask if he had any girls numbers, and my dad was like "well you shouldn't have been messing with him"..like I don't understand where he got that idea from, I wasn't even doing anything wrong at all. My dad makes me feel like shit all the time. I honestly don't think that he cares about me, and if he does then he doesn't show it at all. I've never felt this feeling at all in my life. But I think that I'm starting to realize that maybe he doesn't give a shit about me anymore. And it's starting to show more and more each day to me. Yesterday I asked him if he could look something up on the internet for me since he was on the computer anyways and I was downstairs on his, and he said "no I'm busy" BUT he was on the computer watching video's my brother wanted to watch, but he couldn't do something so little for me. It would have killed him to just look something up for me. He was watching bigfoot videos with my brother instead and didn't give a shit about doing anything for me. He treats him like a king and I am always being put down. I bet he doesn't even understand how I feel every single day because of things he does, he doesn't even care to ask. He never asks me how my day went at school or anything or how I'm feeling. My mom isn't like he is, but she usually sides with him which makes me feel like even more. Oh and the other day I was supposed to ride with my boyfriend somewhere and they said alright with that, then I told them that his dad was going to drive instead because my boyfriends dad decided it would be easier for him to drive, and I told them about that also and my dad asked me "why do you have lie about things"..and it made me so upset because I never lie to them and I wasn't lying about that. And I don't see why I would lie about something so stupid like that. He couldn't even believe me..that crushed me. BUT my brother has lied to them TONS of times about things, and I was the one telling them about him lying. I was doing a good thing, but yet he always thinks that I am the one lying, and I NEVER do. I don't understand how one person can make you feel like shit so easily. I feel so empty right now, and I haven't felt this bad in years. It's a horrible feeling. I feel like the only person who shows me they care about me is my boyfriend, and I think he really might be the only person who cares. I don't think either of my parents know how I feel everyday. I've been so upset the past wk and I've cried every day, and neither of them know that. I bet neither of them know how they make me feel worse than what I already feel. Why is that my boyfriend tells me he loves me more than my own parents do, and he shows it a lot more than they do. I know my parents gave me a house to live under but honestly, lately they haven't been making it so easy to stay here. I really wish I could get a job and save enough money to move out after high school. I know life would be hard living on my own and having to pay bills and buy my own things(which I already do now), but I think it's would be much harder staying here. I feel like with them being how they are now, I think it might eventually make me really depressed, and I think I would be better handling the stress of being on my own to be honest. I feel like if I keep feeling this way day after day it will ruin me in the sense that I'll be a different person than I am now. And I'm starting to realize that I actually do kind of like myself the way I am. And I'm afraid that me feeling this way will eventually lead to me turning into a person I don't like. I think I would be a lot happier somewhere else at this point. My parents shouldn't be the ones that are dragging me down instead of helping me back up. I feel like they're doing it without noticing. I've tried talking to them before about this, I've wrote them a note about how I felt and they didn't even say anything at all back to me. Almost like they didn't care at all what I felt or had to say, and I think they took it as like a joke. Which I can't believe. I am not very told, I am 17 yrs old, almost 18 and I think that I'm mature for my age. So I feel like I wouldn't be making up how I'm feeling just to get something out of them. I honestly don't want anything from them, I just want for myself to feel better.

The only thing my dad is worried about is me paying insurance on my car. He doesn't see the fact that I am trying to get a job, just it's really hard to get one around this time. And no one has been calling me back for interviews. He doesn't see that it bothers me. With him, he always assumes that I don't want to get a job. He doesn't have any idea that I want a job really bad so that I can do things on my own, and move somewhere else. I'm not perfect and I am trying but it's just not easy. And they don't seem to understand anything. It's hard for me to work while still in high school, my grades will go down. See my mom is different. She sometimes sees how my dad is and comes and talks to me to make sure I'm alright. But then there are times where he takes his side and tells me I'm wrong. I remember this one time I asked my dad what I could make to eat and he told me "you're old enough to make yourself something"..which I was doing and I didn't even ask him to make me anything, because he can't do that for me but I ALWAYS have to make him food. Then while I was eating he came up and said "See you could handle it yourself."...THEN later on I was making this cake and he said "You can make cake but you can't make yourself something to eat"...That just pissed me off because I DID make myself something to eat and he was being a complete asshole about it for no reason at all. And I told my mom exactly what he said and what I said, and she told me "maybe you should start being nicer to him"..And I didn't understand that because I didn't even say a word to him and she thought it was my fault. They always blame me for everything. I hate it so much. I am so sick of crying and it makes me even more upset because I can't do anything about it. Whenever anyone in my family is stressed, they take it out on me. They don't even see how it effects me, I'm sure if they knew how they make me feel they would feel so terrible that they would cry every night. But of course life doesn't work that way, and they have no idea. Would they even really care? I think they take it out on me because I don't show that it bothers me or effects me. But I've never been one to show my feelings to them.

And I feel like all of this is making me act how I've been acting. I've never really felt loved I guess before, and when Jacob tells me he loves me, I feel really happy but I think inside I don't know how to deal with it and I act out. I think I act the way I do because I'm so afraid of losing him, because if I do I wouldn't have anyone at all. He is everything to me and he keep me going and moving forward. He has faith in me, and that is what I needed this whole time. And now that I've found it, I want to keep it. I want to keep him my whole life. He is the most amazing person and he makes me really smile for once in my life. He has never let me down before, and he doesn't make me feel the way my parents do. And when he does make me feel something that he shouldn't, he realizes it, and he says sorry and feels bad. No one in my family cares to ever say sorry to me.

Any advice, I could really use it =[

Bookmark/Search this post with:

 •    •    •    •    •    •    •