I Better Not Sweat My Lipliner Off

I'm trying not to have an anxiety attack.

I didn't go to the gym today. And it's taking every fiber of my being to just sit here and not go. I'm TIRED. I feel like crap. During French today, I wanted to slap "Chprof" (Chef + Prof, he likes to cook. Cute, huh?) just so he would SHUT THE FUCK UP and let us go!

I was thinking, "Okay, okay. After class I'll go to the gym. Gymgymgymgymgym". But then I was playing the game "What if I didn't have an eating disorder?" If I didn't, I would've been thinking, "Damn. A nap sounds good right now. I think I'll go home and take one of those." Seriously, throughout that entire 1 hour and 50 minute torture session, I was pondering "Nap or gym nap or gym nap or gym??"

So I'm here. I told myself I can always go to the gym later if I want, but I don't know if I will. A lot of times, I wind up bingeing and purging after a while of overexercising because I'm so GODDAMN tired. You would think "Why binge and purge? Why not just go to bed?" Welll......glad you asked!

We learned in treatment that when you're tired, your body craves energy. Which is why some people eat when they're tired; they mistake needing more sleep for needing to eat something, since it will provide them with energy. Now, for the average person, this may not be the end of the world. So they have a bowl of cereal before bed and they're not really hungry. Who cares? But for those of us who think "I just ate a bowl of cereal. I just ate a bowl of FUCKING CEREAL AND RUINED EVERYTHING! Fuck it. I'm going to eat everything that's remotely edible in this kitchen and puke it all up," it's a different story.

I feel weird. Usually, it's school, gym, home, phone/homework, bed. Now I have all this TIME. I feel antsy. I can't handle this feeling.

So the reason I didn't go to the gym is because I'm fucking exhausted. So I thought I'd give myself a break. But now that I'm not at the gym, I'm not doing anything. Boredom also causes the phenomena known as bulimia to occur. But guess what's pretty fucking cool?

If I make it through today, I will have gone....

12 DAYS! TWELEVE! That's 1 AND a 2! DOUBLE DIGITS!!!!

ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CANNOT fucking believe it.

I cannot FUCKING believe it.

I cannot fucking BELIEVE it!!!!

The 9th night I really, really thought I was gonna cave. I was like "Well....I've never gotten this far before. Might as well do it!" But I had amazing encouragement to get through it. And I actually did something PRODUCTIVE the other day while feeling the urge. I wrote Katie back, which I had needed to do anyway, and I called Stephanie (HAPPY 100 DAYS!!!!!), whom I haven't talked to for a while, and we're both chatty. The conversation lasted a while.

My dad said something that pissed me off the other day.

Dad: So, how are you liking the gym?

Me: I like it.

Dad: Do you like your personal trainer? Does she show you how to work the machines?

Me: Yes, I like her. No, I know how to use the machines. We do other stuff.

Dad: Look at my muscles! (Jokingly flexes his arm).

Me: Oh, yeah? Look at THESE babies! (Jokingly flex my arm).

Dad: Hey, that trainer's paying off! I can tell a difference! And (points to my abdominal region) right there, especially! I hope you don't mind me saying that.

Okay. Um. I don't know what to say about this. Yeah, he was trying to be encouraging. But it's the simple fact that I haven't been eating 13,000 calories in a half and hour and attempting to puke it up that has made the difference. And it's just so fucking frustrating!!! It basically confirmed what I thought: My parents (or dad, at least) would rather have a daughter who's anorexic and spends 3 hours at the gym than one who binges and purges and sleeps all day, because at least the anorexic one isn't fat!

My mom bought tortilla chips and salsa the other day and said "If you're hungry later, you can snack on these. They're not that bad for you."

A) I can eat whatever the hell I WANT to eat. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF RECOVERY!!

B) Don't label foods as "good" or "bad".

C) IS ME GAINING WEIGHT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?!?!?? Yeah, you caught me bingeing and purging the other night. But HELLO?!? I don't care if it's fucking LETTUCE that's in front of me, I shouldn't be bingeing on ANYTHING. I don't give a flying fuck if tortilla chips aren't as "bad" as some of the other foods you apparently can't live without because they're strewn all over the kitchen.

Ugh.

I've noticed though that I've stopped wondering "I wonder if they think I'm skinny??" when people walk by. I don't even think about it. I just thought about it today when I realized I WASN'T thinking about it, if that makes sense.

It's extremely hard for me to let go of the anorexic part of my eating disorder. I feel guilty for eating the apple I did at lunch because it was kind of big. And especially since I'm not going to the gym. I want to either a) workout, or b) skip dinner. But I CAN'T. But now I don't know what to do! Homework's out of the question. Reading about how rocks are formed kind of makes me want to eat my geology book just so I can puke that shit up and NEVER have to look at it again.

I seriously, seriously need a hobby. Or a job. Hmmmm.

Exciting news? I think my arms are getting tan. Tan-ish, at least. And I might dye my hair. One of those 2-week things. I don't want to permanently mess anything up. I'm just so bored with my appearence that if I don't dye it (or get a straighter), I'm afraid I'll go batshit crazy and pull a Britney.

Embarassing moment(s) of the week:

Em. Moment #1: I visited my mom at the library last week after I went to the gym and took a shower. Wet hair slicked back in a ponytail and no makeup was the look I went for. I happened to run into my mom's HOT male coworker (yes, a male librarian. A mibrarian) who exclaimed "Hey! I know you!" when he saw me. Well. Gee. I was hoping you didn't recognize me because I look HORRENDOUSLY UGLY right now.

Em. Mo. #2: At the gym yesterday, I was especially haggard looking. Like, very sweaty. Okay. So, who walks in?!? No, not the hot mibrarian. This other extremely attractive male in my math class. Walks right in.

Moral of this entire post?
Whenever you're in public, try to avoid looking like complete shit. Especially complete, sweaty shit.

I'm gonna go.....think of a hobby I can start.

Any ideas?