"How to Fail an Essay…"
I would write a trashy draft, a ghost of an
essay, within the fifteen to twenty minutes that the class is using to read and
critique the other essays. The result will be the same as what I am writing
now; a big bright red "F" would adorn the paper's top, up between the
name and the title, maybe it might even take up most the page. So, "How to
fail an essay" will give a good chance for you to know, step-by-step, how
to stop the pattern of green "A's" and learn the harsh reality of the
big red "F," that could surely make any grown man cry.
First off, be a procrastinator. Simple, is it
not? Maybe to the average American who forgets to pay their tips,
procrastination is a national pastime and hobby. Procrastination is the art of
not being late, but it is, actually, the art of being close to late, making it
a heap of fun for one to write. It does not take much to be a procrastinator;
you just need to follow the next few steps. Wake up, get ready for school, get
to school, play video games, then in comes a classmate from English. Ask him or
her about any homework, learn you have a huge essay due, play more video games
until five minutes until the first bell rings. Rush through the classroom,
looking for a pen, and unused paper; then quickly jot down random things about
the topic. And that is it! Procrastination strikes once again.
Secondly, mispsell eevrytinhg. Tihs way the preosn raeidng the elsuvie
splelnigs wulod bcemoe cofnsued and evnetaluly gvie up. Tihs is the esaiset
prat of the wolhe esasy, jsut hvae a trhee-yaer-old tpye it for you. Tihs
tehcinuqe is a srue way to fial any knid of esasy in any calss, for any
asisngmnet.
Thirdly, be correct does grammar logical need not order to. A around be
can changed into jumble making of random senseless them words words. Add also
and doing in like miscellaneous 'shmoo' 'taco' this to try when words. able all
an are around art because conceptual changing edge essays fail give of of other
over people subtle the the the their this to to to trying words understand will
you.
Fourthly, get away from the topic at all
possible points. Hey, look over there! It is a Mexican Taco Bird.
"Crickey, that's a big croc. I'm going to stick my head in it's mouth to
so you how its jaws are." Did you hear of the communist cats plotting on
destroying national dog kennels? It is crazy! The essay should become a random
jumble of topics, making it hard for anyone with the intellect more than a
turkey to really follow. (Side note: Turkeys are the stupidest creatures on Earth.)
more than a turkey to really follow. (Side note: Turkeys are
the stupidest creatures on Earth.)
Fifthly. Fragments. Fragments. Are. God. Yes,
God. Is. A. Fragment. With. Fragments. The. Essay. Becomes. Shaky. And.
Detached. Like. Staccato. Notes. In. Music. The. Concept. Of. The. Paper.
Becomes. Weaker. As. The. Point. Is. Taken. Away. With. Each. Period. That. Is.
Added. So. For. Failing. Essays. You. Need. To. Bow. To. Fragments. They. Are.
A. Lifesaver.
Lastly, do not finish some sentences or random
paragra… This simple little thing works every… It will also have the audience
want to know the… This will get people hooked on the essay it… People just love
cliff… It brings them back for… Not finishing thoughts will fail…
Failing an essay is not the easiest thing in
the world. It takes talent, skill, brains, super laziness, and stupidity. But
once the skills are gained, it could take a lifetime to rid yourself of the
influence, given to you by the practice of failing. Procrastination, spelling
mistakes, bad grammar, topic deviation, fragments and leaving sentences open
will surely give you an "F" on any and all assignments, throughout
your schooling career.
Translation:
I would write a trashy draft, a ghost of an
essay, within the fifteen to twenty minutes that the class is using to read and
critique the other essays. The result will be the same as what I am writing
now; a big bright red "F" would adorn the paper's top, up between the
name and the title, maybe it might even take up most the page. So, "How to
fail an essay" will give a good chance for you to know, step-by-step, how
to stop the pattern of green "A's" and learn the harsh reality of the
big red "F," that could surely make any grown man cry.
First off, be a procrastinator. Simple, is it
not? Maybe to the average American who forgets to pay their tips,
procrastination is a national pastime and hobby. Procrastination is the art of
not being late, but it is, actually, the art of being close to late, making it
a heap of fun for one to write. It does not take much to be a procrastinator;
you just need to follow the next few steps. Wake up, get ready for school, get
to school, play video games, then in comes a classmate from English. Ask him or
her about any homework, learn you have a huge essay due, play more video games
until five minutes until the first bell rings. Rush through the classroom,
looking for a pen, and unused paper; then quickly jot down random things about
the topic. And that is it! Procrastination strikes once again.
Secondly, misspell everything. This way the person reading the elusive
spellings would become confused and eventually give up. This is the easiest
part of the whole essay, just have a three-year-old type it for you. This
technique is a sure way to fail any kind of essay in any class, for any
assignment.
Thirdly, grammar does not need to be in the logical correct order. Words
can be changed around, making them into a senseless jumble of random words.
Also, when doing this, try to add in miscellaneous words like 'taco' and
'shmoo.' This will give to an edge over the other people trying to fail their
essays, because you are able to understand the subtle conceptual art of
changing random words around.
Fourthly, get away from the topic at all possible points.
Hey, look over there! It is a Mexican Taco Bird. "Crickey, that's a big
croc. I'm going to stick my head in it's mouth to so you how its jaws
are." Did you hear of the communist cats plotting on destroying national
dog kennels? It is crazy! The essay should become a random jumble of topics,
making it hard for anyone with the intellect to be able to read.
Fifthly. Fragments. Fragments are God. Yes, God
is a fragment. With fragments, the essay becomes shaky and detached, like
staccato notes in music. The concept of the paper becomes weaker, as the point
is taken away with each period that is added. So, for failing essays, you need
to bow to fragments. They are a lifesaver
Lastly, do not finish some sentences or random
paragraph. This simple little thing works every time. It will also have the
audience want to know the ending. This will get people hooked on the essay
itself, instead of the topic. People just love cliffhangers. It brings them
back for more. Not finishing thoughts will fail your essay so fast, the red marker
that the teacher was using, will break in half from going supersonic.
Failing an essay is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes talent, skill, brains, super laziness, and stupidity. But once the skills are gained, it could take a lifetime to rid yourself of the influence, given to you by the practice of failing. Procrastination, spelling mistakes, bad grammar, topic deviation, fragments and leaving sentences open will surely give you an "F" on any and all assignments, throughout your schooling career.
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