I had a class today that dealt with the effects that divorce has on children well up until their adulthood. Basically, we watched an episode of Oprah in which two popular psychiatrist examined children and adults who parents divorced. Ofcourse the children were tramatized, as most are shortly after finding out the news. But the most startling part of the show was when they exposed the enourmous amount of adults who claimed to still be feeling the effects of their parent's split. According to the doc's children of divorce feel the most profound impact in their twenties and thirties. They also experience certain characteristics such as:
constant fear of betrayal
fear of being alone
fear of loss and failure
fear of change
lack of committment in relationships
along with the negative characteristics, there were a few positive, such as:
closer bonds with siblings
excel at work
respect for marriage, relationships and parenting
compassion towards others
My parents divorced six years ago. At the time I didnt think their divorce would have that much of an impact on me. I actually wanted them to divorce and looked forward to it because they constantly argued and seemed so unhappy. I thought that once they split up, it would be like a new beginning for our family. I thought we would all be happier and hopefully grow closer, even though we would have experiences with our parents seperately. I was way wrong though. Divorce tore my family apart. My mother left and wanted nothing to do with us for about a year after they split. I was left being mommy to my two confused and angry siblings. My father took no control of our household, fell into depression, and we almost lost our house. My relationship with my parent is ruined. I do not trust or respect them. Not only that, but I fear that if i get married, it will end up as badly as theirs did. I show signs of several of the characteristics I listed above. I was just curious how many others feel the same way I do.
Do you still feel that your parents divorce effects your life?
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In the sense that I get two birthday dinners and two Christmas's, yes, my parent's divorce affects my life.
My parents got divorced when I was nine, and apparently I was neither surprised nor upset by the decision (I can't really remember the moment I found out). I was never close to my dad and I'm still not. He's pretty much a really shitty person. Unlike your situation, my parents were able to remain emotionally stable during and after they divorced, so my life didn't change that much. My mom has been with my stepdad for 8 years now, and she's way happier than she was during most of her marriage with my dad.
So, yeah, I don't think I'm emotionally scarred by their divorce. Actually, I think I'd be pretty messed up if they had stayed together.
Common sense is as rare as genius. ~Emerson
Yeah, I'm not close with my dad, but that's cause I don't think he's such a good person. I've forgiven him for what he did to my mom in the past couple years, but I'm still not very close to him. I'm best friends with my mom.
I dunno... I'm afraid to be alone, but only because I'm afraid that I can't physically protect myself well.
~C
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My parents were officially divorced when I was about 13 years old. Oh so sad yes. *sarcasm* But I only lived with my father the first year and a half or so of my life. At that time he went to jail. My brother and I didn't even know they were getting divorced until about a year after it was finalized, when my mom sat us down and told us.
constant fear of betrayal-doesn't apply to me
fear of being alone-doesn't apply to me
fear of loss and failure-doesn't apply to me
fear of change-I think this applies to many people, regardless of their familial situation
lack of committment in relationships-(assuming they mean 'romantic' relationships) never been in a relationship, but I can guarantee that I would be committed
I think that it effects your childhood tremendously. I think that the courts should make family counseling a requirement before a couple with children can get divorced. The people that the impact hits most, the children, are left out of the whole equation.
Why is it that the children's voices are not heard by the courts? You can not even go into the courtroom unless you are 18 years old or older. What good would that do if you fell that you are not being represented in this whole mess of things?
My parents divorced right around when my little brother was born. literally. I was so mad because he wouldnt get to experience his real family. but at the same time I am glad he doesnt. My mom and dad fought ALL THE TIME. I know that their divorce effected me. I was ten years old and in fourth grade. I have never made D's and that was the first time I had done so. I almost failed the fourth grade because of their divorce and how it effected me.
Today I am very glad that they got divorced but it is still hard. Going back and forth during the week. It gets hard.
Also I can tell that it effects my little brother. He doesnt behave at moms very well and at dads he is almost like a different kid. he does better in school at dads house also.
Divorce is very hard on kids. Especially through certain experiences that the kids have to deal with. and I have dealt with some awful experiences.
I honestly never thought of it that way, but now i guess there is some truth to what you said if not complete truth.
Im glad you wrote this belcause i was feeling like such a starnge person because i dont like being alone, i think there is almost no one i can trust i worry about everything and now i guess its because of the divorce.
but i barely remeber it
it was almost 10 years ago
i was 6
i just remember my worl being unbalanced and my mom sending me and my sister all over the place
until she sent us away for an entire year
i have so many of those characterristics that you listed there...that its scary
not even my closest friedns know that about me
Thank You!!
I understand myself better now and i dont think everything bad that happens is my fault
I'm in the exact same boat as you. My parents divorce shattered my family. I no longer respect my parents, trust them and really dont love them. (they dont love me either) It's been 7 years and I'm just as much affected my parents divorce now then I was when it first happened. I think I will definatley be affected by it for the rest of my life. I think it will affect me less the farther away I am from them. But we will see. Nothing counseling or a heart to heart could of or will ever bring my family back together or at least closer. Counseling isnt for everyone.