END GAME
This movie is so awful that it makes the worst Bo Derrick film in the world enjoyable. Never in my life has such a meaningless, time-consuming sack of crap tortured me. Cuba Gooding Jr. stars in this poor excuse for an action flick, where the President of the United States gets whacked, and he and a reporter try to bring the bad guys to justice. I will not go any further into the plot or lack there of – because it sucked so very badly that DEAL OR NO DEAL seemed the more intelligent choice to watch – therefore I did. Cuba Gooding Jr. needs to either find himself a new agent or get a job on the WB Network, where most d-listers go to die. For the love of God stay away from this movie – spend your rental fee on cheap wine instead.
THE FAMILY STONE
Sarah Jessica Parker is not only a scary looking woman, but she is one of those “stars” that go by their full name – which really bothers me because it is so pretentious…they might as well have one name only – a la Cher or Madonna. Now, to the review…. OK, FAMILY STONE is not a bad movie by any means. It has a great cast (Dermot Mulroney does not count): Claire Danes, Luke Wilson (grrrr), Diane Keaton, and Craig T. Nelson. Sarah Jessica Parker stars as an uptight New Yorker who goes home for Christmas with her boyfriend (Mulroney). Nobody likes her and the whole film revolves around this fact, and by the end of the movie, predictably, they all love her. What I did not understand about this film is why exactly they hated her so much and why they were filled with so much animosity towards a woman that they had never met. It is never explained fully, and you feel throughout the film that they are all a just a bunch of asses. Nevertheless, it is a decent film, and Luke Wilson is great as usual. It is intelligent for a “chick flick” so the guys out there should not feel too emasculated if they are forced to watch it.
HOODWINKED
Despite the choppy animation, this movie is hilarious! Every time you watch it you catch something you missed and laugh even harder. The film starts off with “police” investigating a crime scene – flash back to a warped and demented version of Little Red Riding Hood. Hilarity ensues throughout this film. They picked a wonderful cast to bring the characters to life. The Wolf is played by Patrick Walburton (Seinfeld, Family Guy) with Jim Beluchi, Glenn Close, and Anne Hathaway rounding out the characters of the Woodsman, Granny, and Red. Andy Dick plays a villain by the name of Boingo who is the best character in the movie! I love the line he says to Keith, one of his henchmen: “Keith! Change your name! It's not very scary sounding and I get embarrassed saying it! I mean, oh my god! Here comes Keith! I'm so scared!” I was also very pleased that Nicky Flippers was played by David Ogden Stiers (MASH) who was in BETTER OFF DEAD (greatest movie ever!). He, like the rest of the actors, did an outstanding job on the voices for these wacky characters. Even the musical numbers are tolerable and catchy. This is a “must own” for all of you out there.
MUNICH
We all know the tragic story of the Israeli Wrestling Team during the 1972 Olympics in Munich, and this movie could easily have been a biography of sorts, but Steven Spielberg twists it around a bit for us. It instead turns itself into a tale of terrorism, counter intelligence, and the never-ending cycle of violence that engulfs mankind. This is a deep movie with a great cast (including Geoffrey Rush), that has a message behind it, but the message does not leave you feeling as if you have been preached to. Recommended.
RUMOR HAS IT
Jennifer Anniston stars as Sarah Huttinger, a woman who suspects that the movie THE GRADUATE was based upon her family. While this sounds like a fun spin-off idea with a top-notch supporting cast (Shirley MacLaine, Kevin Costner), Sarah is so irritating that her dysfunctional personality ruins the film. Jennifer has this “I just sucked on a lemon” look on her face throughout the whole damn film. Thirty minutes into the movie I had high-hopes for an enjoyable experience – instead it started going down hill at 100 miles an hour. I just wanted to jump into the movie and start bitch-slapping her. Jennifer, honey, I hate to say this to you after the whole Brad Pitt thing, but you really should go back to television – you cannot carry a movie. Rob Reiner directed this shameful batch of garbage, which only proves that he reached his creative peak with THE PRINCESS BRIDE and SPINAL TAP.
THE PRODUCERS
Max Bialystock was the toast of Broadway, but now all of his plays close on opening night. Enter Leo Bloom, a tweaky accountant who has a grand scheme planned to make some serious cash off of Max’s dwindling popularity. Enlisting the help of an escaped Nazi (Will Ferrell), they produce a play called SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER, which ends up becoming a rousing success. Originally written and directed by Mel Brooks, THE PRODUCERS starred Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel; this second time around on film is not as funny and comes off as a bit dated. Although THE PRODUCERS broke records at the Broadway box office, it has little appeal when being adapted for the big screen. My advice to you is to watch the original 1968 version by the genius Mel Brooks – you will not be disappointed. The 2005 version is so mediocre, that you are constantly hoping Will Ferrell will come back on screen to save the day.
BLOODRAYNE
Expect this movie to be featured on MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 soon. This movie is one of the suckiest bunch of sucks I have ever watched in my entire existence. Director Uwe Boll should realize that movies based upon video games not only tank at the box office, but piss off hard-core gamers like myself. Take RESIDENT EVIL –fantastic horror-genre games that make you leave the lights on at bedtime for nights on end – turn it into a craptastic film starring Mila Jehovawhatthehellever – and ruin the fond memories you have of blasting a rabid zombie Doberman in the face with a shotgun. BLOODRAYNE is not one of my favorite PS2 games, nor will it ever be listed as a tolerable movie in my book. On the contrary – it will be forever remembered as having sullied the names of Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley. Michelle Rodriguez is lucky she got the role of the hated policewoman on LOST, and she should really consider wiping this off of her resume like Ben Stiller, Liam Neeson and Helen Hunt did with NEXT OF KIN. For added hilarity, BLOODRAYNE also stars Billy Zane (Titanic), and Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers) OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!! I would have fired my casting director for even SUGGESTING those two, and let’s not forget Udo Kier – the token creepy German character actor. If they were striving for a D-List movie, they should have also thrown Shannon Tweed and Miles O’Keeffe into the mix to make it even more craptacular. This movie **expletive deleted*** blows. I would rather buy crack than spend my money on this (not that I condone crack…. I am just saying…).
THE KIDS IN THE HALL: THE COMPLETE SEASON 4
This is the only worthy DVD release for May 2006. SEASON 4 has many hilarious skits including: “Chicken Lady Visits Her Old House”, “Whores”, “Inexperienced Cannibal on Trial”, “Love and Sausages”, “Cyril St. John the Escapist”, and my personal favorite “ Heroine Junkie” (“Heroine will always come first, and you second”). Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Scott Thompson, Mark McKinney, and Bruce McCulloch are five of the funniest men in show business. I saw these guys perform in Cincinnati about six years ago after years of loving their work, and to me their satire and goofy skits are just as fresh and imaginative today as they were when their show first aired in the early 90’s. For those of you familiar with The Kids, hop on Amazon and order this right away, and for those of you, who have never heard of them, jump on Amazon and order Season One - so you won’t feel left out when all of your friends are screaming “I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD!!!!!!!!”
