As the month of December is finally coming, we are getting even nearer to Christmas Day. I hope we all know what Christmas is all about, but in case some of us don't, let me remind everyone that Christmas is a celebration of the King of kings. He's also known as Santa Claus. We call him Santa for short.
Ol' boy Santa is usually portrayed as that jolly bearded guy in the red suit, but is he, really? Let us try to answer some of the mysteries of Santa.
What kind of name is "Santa Claus" anyway?
"Santa" is the Spanish word for "saint," and "Claus" just sounds German. Does that mean that Santa has mixed heritage? Does he represent multiculturality even though he's white? Though this sounds possible, a friend and I have arrived at a better theory. Does anyone else not noticed that Santa's name shares the exact five letters as Satan? Could it be that Santa is a spawn of Satan? Well, Barney is already a spawn of Satan, so my friend and I are convinced Santa is Satan himself in disguise. It would explain why no one ever saw Santa as a boy and why he hasn't grown any older over the past 20 years. Satan is ageless. He probably had an Aphrodite-style birth to begin with. No wonder he rivals JC in popularity.
How does Santa get everything done by Christmas?
Easy: cheap slave labor. The elves are being forced against their will to make the presents, wrap them up, and deliver them. Santa is too fat to fit inside the chimney, but because the elves are too small, he's the only one everyone notices. Santa doesn't even do anything. All he does is ride in his sleigh (which is no doubt a fun activity) and sit around the mall pretending to be nice. He gets paid to have children sit on his lap, you know. If you want to thank anyone, thank the slaves.
The Dutch Santa doesn't even bother with elves. Whereas naughty children of America just don't get presents, naughty children of Europe are threatened to be put in a sack and thrown into the ocean if they don't behave. But the Dutch children don't fear Santa for this; they know it's Black pete who does the dirty work. Little do the children realize that Black Pete, being Santa's slave, has no choice but to do what Santa says. Not only is Santa evil, but he pretends to be good at that.
Does Santa set good examples?
By no means! Santa is obese, and obesity is this century's epidemic. He must have drunk too much Coca-Cola. Which reminds me. Santa is also a sell-out.
More importantly, Santa also gives children the wrong message. Why do children suddenly behave in December and only in December? Why don't they behave all year long? Why does Santa bribe them with presents so they can be good? This is bad parenting skill. Even worse, it seems that all children get presents whether they're naughty or nice. Doesn't this remind you of communism? Soon enough, all the children who have been nice so far won't even bother to be nice.
Santa also encourages materialism. Because of Santa, Christmas is suddenly about gift-giving. People are pressured to buy gifts if they don't want to be thought as cheapskates. The insincerity in gift-giving defeats the spirit of Christmas.
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Knowing all of the above, why do we still tolerate Santa? Unintentional or not, he's naughty. He's not nice at all.
If you remember the Churchlady from SNL "By re-arranging the letters in santa's name, what do we see? SATAN!" spooky ain't it?
-His Royal Dude-ness