More than 120,000 children die every year in the United States. Of those, more than 80% die before their first birthday. Our communitiies, cities, states and federal govnernment must unite together to help families find hope and start the healing process with regard to a child's death.
Often families that experience such horrific loss through miscarriage, stillbirth or shortly after birth are dismissed by society. Some may consider such loss not a real grief. But it is as real as any other loss. Well meaning friends and family may say things like, 'at least he/she died early on,' or they may say, 'you're young, you can have more children.' Such well-intended statements are hurtful and far from helpful and supportive.
Society needs to understand that it does not matter what stage of life your child is in when he/she dies, the pain is heart-wrenching for all parents. That grief does not increase or decrease by the amount of time you spend with your child(ren) that die. Society needs to open their arms and hearts and be more supportive. More people need to be willing to take training classes on offering support and compassion and volunteer their time to offer peer support to grieving families. There is a huge lack of support in our society, and I strongly believe it is due to a lack of education in this particular area of loss. Their is an array of volunteer opportunities through organizations like the M.I.S.S. Foundation at http://www.missfoundation.org and Neo-Fight Incorporated at http://www.neofight.org. I can't even begin to stress the importance that advocacy and volunteerism has on supporting grieving families.
Speaking of advocacy, Arizona was the first state that offered families of stillborn children the certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth. It is quite an insult when families only receive a death certificate. Their lives mattered, and these children did exist. And these children should be acknowledged, honored and remembered by having greiving families receive a certificate of birth. Even in death, our children will always matter, and society should acknowledge this fact as well. Every state in the United States should pass the bill to have a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth available to grieving families. Find out if your state has passed the legislation for this bill at: http://www.missingangelsbill.org. I urge everyone that is interested in helping this cause to contact their state elected officials to get this bill passed http://www.congress.org/congressorg/dbq/officials/?lvl=L.
Make a difference in the lives of grieving families and help make change in our society today!
Please read updates that I post in the comments area of this blog, and feel free to check out my blog on bereavement entitlements in the workplace at:
http://www.progressiveu.org/190000-bereavement-entitlements-in-the-workplace
Thank you for your support!
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I've been involved with various organizations such as Neo-Fight http://www.neofight.org, The M.IS.S. Foundation http://www.missfoundation.org and Kota Press http://www.kotapress.com, which support families facing the death of a child, since I lost my son. I first sought these amazing organizations for my own healing and bereavement support. Since that time, I've become an active volunteer for other families experiencing a perinatal crisis such as the loss of a baby. These organizations have given me such kind and loving support, that I've always wanted to give back to them by helping others.
Through various training classes for my volunteer work, I have learned how to help families in such crisis. I feel the training received through is important information that all of us should utilize, when dealing with those that have experienced the loss of their baby.
While offering help to bereaved families, be supportive by making visits or calls to them. Be specific by stating, "I care and want to help." Treat the bereaved couple as equals. Dads need as much support as Moms. Be available to parents. They need direct help such as providing a meal, running errands, baby-sitting their other children. Allow the parents to talk about their child. Ask questions but don't pry.
Learn more about the grieving process by consulting professionals, literature, or other resources such as information through the Internet. It's important that you have some knowledge on bereavement, so you can offer assistance to grieving families.
Don't be afraid to mention the deceased child to the parents. Letting the parents know that you haven't forgotten about their child is comforting to them.
Be liberal with hugging a grieving parent. They often have a need for physical contact during such a traumatic experience.
Too often, friends and family members aren't aware of what is and what is not appropriate to say to bereaved parents.
The following are some helpful tips from the Neo-Fight Listener Training manual:
WHAT TO SAY:
~ I'm sorry.
~ I'm so sad for your loss.
~ I know this must be terribly hard for you.
~ How are you managing all of this?
~ What can I do for you?
~ I'm here, and I want to listen.
~ Talk as long as you want. I have plenty of time.
~ You don't have to say anything at all.
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
~ It's all happened for the best.
~ You're young. You can have other children.
~ Now you'll have an angel in heaven.
~ You're better off having this happen now, before you knew the baby.
~ This was God's way of saying something was wrong.
~ You should feel lucky that you are alive.
~ Forget it. Put it behind you and get on with your life.
~ I understand. (If you have not had a similar experience)
If anyone else has any questions or useful advice, tips or volunteer opportunities to share with the public, please respond to this post.
To read a 'Dear Annie' column on stillbirth and family sensitivity/coping issues from Annie's Mailbox, click on the following link and scroll down to the bottom of the page. And select Sunday, April 30, 2006 from the Archive search box. The advice on this topic is the second to last 'Dear Annie' listing on that page:
http://www.creators.com/lifestyle_show.cfm?next=4&ColumnsName=ama
Also click on http://www.creators.com/lifestyle_show.cfm?next=4&ColumnsName=ama to read 'Dear Annie's Mother's Day, Sunday May 14th publishing. The second 'Dear Annie' on that page is specifically honoring all mothers including those that have lost their children. We will forever be parents to our children even in death.
I found an interesting article published on May 12, 2006 related to society and infant death around our world titled, "Children Die -Do We Care?" The article is posted by Jane Lichtenberg at:
http://blogs.indystar.com/expresso/archives/2006/05/children_die_do.html
The writer also offered the following link for further information on how to help make change in society with regard to the child death rate at:
http://www.savethechildren.org/
I found another article published on May 10, 2006 concerning this topic titled, "U.S. Newborn Survival Rate Ranks Low In Modern World: Death Rate Of Nearly 5 Per 1,000 babies Puts U.S. Only Ahead Of Latvia, Report Says" by Lindsey Tanner of the Associated Press. The link to the article is at: http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060510/NEWS06/60510...
Katie
Florida set to Become #14 in the U.S.A. to pass the MISSing Angels Bill! Florida’s Senate Bill 746 is in the process of being sent to Governor Jeb Bush. When he signs it, Florida will become the 14th state to offer certificates of birth resulting in stillbirth to parents of stillborn children. The bill was strongly advocated in Florida’s Legislature by Daryl and Beth Logullo of Vero Beach, whose precious daughter Katherine was stillborn last year. The measure was named "Katherine’s Law." See the progress that was made on the Logullo’s website:
http://www.missingkate.org/main.htm
Good progress is also being made in Washington State!
Liz Allen (liz@missfoundation.org) reports that meetings took place in early May with her legislators (Representative Jarrett, Representative Clibborn and Senator Weinstein), and future meetings will be set soon so that all parties with an interest in the legislation could have their voices heard. Washington’s next
legislative session is scheduled to convene on January 8, 2007. To see the progress being made - or to contact Liz and offer your
support- visit Liz’s blog-site:
http://wamissingangelsbill.blogspot.com/
Aloha Hawaii!
Please welcome Angela Bilan as the MISSing Angels Bill volunteer leader for Hawaii. If you have friends or family in Hawaii who would be interested in supporting The M.I.S.S. Foundation's efforts to enact legislation there – please contact Angela today ( ledbyfaith@catholic.org ).
On Other Fronts . . .
The M.I.S.S. Foundation is looking into what needs to be done, so that a parent of a stillborn child is able to receive a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth when the child is delivered overseas in a U.S. military hospital. The M.I.S.S. Foundation has a Texas state legislative director looking into this, but any insight that anyone might be able to provide The M.I.S.S. Foundation on this
would be greatly appreciated – please email:
legislation@missfoundation.org
Get Involved and help make a difference!
There are 11 states on the chart at http://www.missingangelsbill.org/stchart.html
without any action at all. Trying to get any legislation passed can be difficult, very time-consuming, and frustrating beyond belief. It requires a large
investment of one’s time and energy. In Texas, it took about 3 years to get the MISSing Angels Bill enacted.
There were endless amounts of
letter-writing, e-mails, phone calls and faxes. Under ’normal’ circumstances, getting any legislation enacted is not easily done because typically, only a very small percentage of bills get enacted each regular legislative session. Please contact the M.I.S.S. Foundation if you decide this is something you want to do in your state. The M.I.S.S. Foundation will do everything possible to help you along the way.
There are no guarantees, but if someone doesn’t try, there will only remain the stark recognition of a death of a child - and no respectful acknowledgment of the actual birth of our children. Please support the efforts of the M.I.S.S. Foundation today and visit their website at: http://www.missfoundation.org for further information. Thank you!