A Hard Look at Celibacy
The idea of celibacy is considered alternatively both inconceivable and pure by the eyes of the public today. In the last few years, celibacy has been the focus of many different news stories, from the priest abuse scandals to the abstinence movement. Celibacy is more than just a monk sitting alone in the mountains. The people who choose celibacy are very diverse, and so choose celibacy for many different reasons.
Many people today have taken a vow to remain abstinent until marriage. There have been numerous talk shows, educational seminars, and books written that glorify the wonders of waiting until marriage until sex (Toussaint 2006). The focus on abstinence and the importance of religion have created a new generation that are pledging virginity until marriage (Kelly 2005; “Chastity’s champions,” 2005). Most school programs teach an abstinance-only approach that focuses on waiting until marriage (Kelly; “Chastity’s champions”). The abstinence proponents are doing everything they can to make abstinence hip and sexy, from the classic silver pledge rings to skimpy underwear with statements supporting virginity before marriage. (Kelly; “Wait Wear,” 2005; “Chastity’s champions;” Toussaint; Fantz, 2005). Due to the integration of ‘hip teen abstinence programs’ into mainstream cultures, many teenagers are remaining a virgin until marriage (Kelly; “Chastity’s champions;” Fantz). There has been much debate about the success of the abstinence-only education programs, but with people who do actually keep to their pledge, there is not many studies on whether it is because of abstinence education and virginity pledges, or if it is due to religion and family.
Within this culture, there are also those who vow to become a virgin again. Recently, there has been an huge surge of popularity of becoming a born-again virgin (La Ferla). The importance is stressed on focusing more on the non-sexual parts of yourself and waiting for the right time to explore one’s sexuality (La Ferla). Many people who chose to be a virgin again felt that their sexual experiences were lacking, had experienced a traumatic relationship, or feel that their sexuality is one thing that they can control in an uncertain world (La Ferla, 2000).
Constant controversy rages over the priest child abuse scandals, but yet, the entire debate about celibacy today is mainly related to the public’s lack of knowledge about celibacy and its origins. Many people do not know that the present laws on the celibacy of priests were not always that way. In early Christianity, celibacy was rarely practiced, and many priests had wives and children (O’Malley 2002; McBrien, 2002). Around 325 CE, people put more value in virginity and passed a canon that was more restrictive than in the past (O’Malley; McBrien). While it still allowed marriage, it did not allow for the consecration of a marriage (O’Malley; McBrien). It was still very normal then for a Catholic priest to be married (O’Malley).
However, things changed around the 11th century, after priests were engaging in sexual activity with wives and concumbines (O’Malley 2002; McBrien, 2002). During that time, many religious leaders wanted to get back to traditional perceptions of the religion (O’Malley; McBrien). Unfortunately, they misunderstood the canon, and believed it was against priests having wives (O’Malley; McBrien). From that time onward, priests were forbidden to get married (O’Malley; McBrien).
Much of the church overlooks statistics that show that celibacy has a negative effect on priests. In fact, several studies have shown that priest celibacy is directly correlated with an increased amount of sexual abuse by priests (“New Book,” 2005; Coday, 2004). Priests have to keep themselves in a state that goes against physical and hormonal urges (McBrien, 2002). This type of thing is so difficult for priests that many often lapse and have sexual relations (Meyer 2002). Often, the celibacy rule is completely disregarded, as many priests engage in multiple sexual relationships despite the prohibition (Meyer). Forced celibacy does not enlighten anybody – it only brings shame and suffering of those who are forced into celibacy (Meyer).
There also remains a population who remain involuntarily celibate. They often have wanted to engage in sexual activity, but the right time did not appear, or they felt too inadequate to be worthy of a partner’s attention (Donnelly, Burgess, Anderson, Davis, & Dillard, 2001). The affect that their celibacy had on their lives was extremely detrimental, causing many to have “dissatisfaction, frustration, or anger about their lack of sexual relationships” (Donnelly, et al.). This affected all aspects of their lives, causing them to feel depressed, different from others, and that they had not developped fully (Donnelly, et al.). This shows that when a person is denied sexual expression, their sense of identity and mental wellbeing suffers as well.
In terms of celibacy, I think that it is not a good thing for people to do. Many people choose celibacy to avoid dealing with hard issues, or feel that they have to because of society endorsing it. Expressing one’s sexuality is something that is essential to any person’s wellbeing and personal growth. Choosing to be celibate would be denying that part of oneself. I also think abstinence before marriage is destructive. Sexuality is something which does not develop by itself on wedding night. It is a slow process, which one develops through one’s life with many different partners. People debate over abstinance versus safe sex education, but nobody focuses on empowering the individual to make his or her own choices, and nurturing their own personal growth. This conservative climate has created an atmosphere where teenagers broadcast to the world how ‘pure’ they are, only to break their pledges months later. It is time to get beyond abstinance and celibacy. If society embraced human sexuality fully, there would not be as much problems in the world today.
References
Chastity's champions: Social behavior. (2005, July 23). The Economist, 376, 30-31.
Coday, D. Panel links celibacy, abuse. (2004, October 29). National Catholic Reporter, 41, 3.
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. The Journal of Sex Research, 38, 159-181.
Fantz, Ashley. Teen hot on abstinance rings (but cool on sex). (2005, May 24). The
Miami Herald.
Kelly, Katy. Just don't do it!. (2005, October 7). U.S. News & World Report, 139, 44-48.
La Ferla, R. The once and future virgins. (2000, July 23). The New York Times.
McBrien, R. P. Celibacy rule deviates from earliest tradition: Denigration of marriage and sex, belief in ritual purity mark history of justifications. (2002, September 3). National Catholic Reporter, 38, 16-17.
Meyer, C. Archaic rule harnessed the church and the spirit: Study would help us face truth about celibacy. (2002, August 30). National Catholic Reporter, 38, 22-23.
New Book Links Clergy Sexual Abuse to Mandatory Celibacy. (2005, November 9). [Review of the book "The Bingo Report"} US Newswire.
O'Malley, J. M. Some basics about celibacy: A brief history of a misunderstood tradition. (2002, October 28).
America, 7-15.
Toussaint, P. The 36-year-old virgin: how abstinence champion Lakita Garth kept the faith during the long years before her wedding night - and beyond. (2006, March/Aprl). Today's Christian, 44, 20-22.
Wait Wear promoting abstinence booming. (2005, July 31). UPI Newstrack.
Wills,
Gary. The aura of celibacy. (2002, Summer). The Wilson Quarterly, 26, 100.
"It was one of the great superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."
--Voltaire
A lot of truth screams from the quote.
I agree with your conclusion. Denying ourselves is horribly destructive to our own psyches. You cannot grow in a relationship without sexuality. I find that many of my christian friends from high school waited unil marriage to have sex. Then soon after actually having sex with their choosen partner, decided that their marriage was a mistake.
In order to really know a person you should have sex before making a life long commitment. It seems stupid that you wouldn't want to know EVERYTHING about them before promising your life to them, including their sexual desires. This doesn't mean you have to sleep with everyone you date, just the ones you consider long term. Sex IS a BIG deal in a relationship -- anyone who claims it isn't is only fooling themselves.
i agree
Eating is part of what we are, but if we don't deny ourselves and eat whatever and whenever we want, all we do is give the doctors and morticians plenty of work to do.
So it is totally absurd to say that just because sexuality is part of us, abstinence before marriage is wrong.
Equally wrong is forbidding priests to marry. If Peter and the other apostles were married, priests can get married too.
But the hypocrisy here was pointed out centuries ago. Priests have never been celibate. They have fornicated and committed adultery, most of the time without consequences. But if they dare get married, they lose their job. Why? It makes no sense.
As a 1932 printing of the Justinian Code says in an editorial note, the situation in England got to this point: "[The] prolific character [of the priests] is evidenced by the fact that the offspring derived from them equalled in number the issue of legitimate marriages among the laity, and the phenomenal sexual appetite and virility of one reverend prelate was attested by his paternity of sixty-five children."
"Many people choose celibacy to avoid dealing with hard issues, or feel that they have to because of society endorsing it." Huh? What about choosing abstinence outside of marriage because GOD COMMANDS IT!
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure things out. Go visit the Rockies around autumn. The strongest and meanest elk have the largest harems. And after winter hits they are the ones that can't fend off predators because they have become so weakened by the rut, by their own over indulgence.
How many people are dead now because they refused to deny themselves outside of marriage? How many dread diseases have been contracted, how many jealous feuds have been incited, etc., etc.? Try telling the countelss victims that abstinence outside of marriage is wrong!
I find it interesting that you compared sex to eating. It is true that eating too much can be destructive, just like having sex in a compulsive or overly excessive way is dangerous. But the whole abstinence until marriage means no sex until marriage. If you are comparing eating to sex directly, that would be saying that food as a concept is much the same as sex. So to complete that analogy, by advocating no sex until marriage, and comparing having sex to eating, then no sex until marriage is like no eating until marriage. This is using your own logic. Now, we both can agree that unless you get married in your infancy, the whole 'no eating until marriage' would not be a very good idea. That would just result in early deaths and no marriages. While no person physically needs sex to survive, it is a basic human need like eating, and sleeping. When you ignore a basic human need, it has a bad effect on you. Also, I never meant to say that abstinence before marriage is wrong. I was just saying that when someone chooses abstinence before marriage, they are denying themselves. That is quite different from making a value judgment. I do not make value decisions about other people's sexuality (in terms of morality).
You also disagreed with my quote, saying that you do it because you believe god commands it. Now, you got that message from your church, right? And the people who go to your church believe in that message too, right? That is basically what I said, going along with the ideaology because society endorses it. Because you believe that the religious community that you live in knows the real truth about god, and you want to follow their beliefs (because they know what God wants). Which is basically what I said. The distinction between what I said and what you said is merely rhetoric - different words for the same idea.
I also wanted to point out something else about that statement. You stated that 'god commanded you.' But how do you really know? Because the bible says so? Who interpreted those passages for you? Who sat with you and explained the meanings and helped you understand 'the deeper meanings.' Probably your church. So your belief comes from your church's understanding of the bible and of god. Of course, other churches and divisions of christianity may understand the SAME PASSAGE completely differently. The writings leave rooms for much interpretation. So opposite conclusions can come from the same text. So since interpretations of the bible can change depending on how you look at it, that means that your church has a great influence on how you interpret and look at the bible. So you have no idea that your interpretation is the real meaning. I am sure you will respond that you know it, but you don't REALLY know the true meaning. I mean, what really do these religious readings signify? Were they meant to be allegorical or read at base value? Religious scholars have debated the meanings of every little passage found in the bible for centuries. Nobody knows for sure the true meaning. And because the bible represents the 'word of god,' then nobody knows for sure the true meaning of god. So, you see, faith in a god is not so concrete. That is why we are mere morals. And god stand above us. We strive to know what god wants, but there is no definitely way of knowing until death when christians believe they meet the creator. Do you think you will be as sure of this when you are standing in front of God after death? You probably won't. Because god is a supreme being and you are a mere, ignorant moral. We all are. That's the way it is.
You also mentioned animals, and how destructive their practices are. Most animals are polygamous with a few exceptions. Sure, a few of them died like in your example, but the species survived as a whole. Before you say, the celibate or monogamous ones survived, that is not what happened. When the alpha male dies, someone has to take his place. So another dude takes his place. Before he did not have much attraction from the females, but now that he is alpha male, he gets the harems you are talking about. This cycle has continued for years. And the species has not gone extinct. Plus. the monogamous ones might survive the winter, but they may not survive the pecking order. If any of these males overstep the boundaries, they are killed or thrown out of the clan. That is how it works in nature.
Also, you state that so many people have died from diseases from having sex outside of marriage. But did you know that you can get it even if you save it for marriage. I have heard stories of a couple getting married, and then the girl gets it from the guy or the guy gets it from the girl. Apparently marriage doesn't protect you all that much. Plus, most of the STDs can be obtained through other means, so even if everyone stopped having sex, there would still be a great means through which they can be affected. The only way for the whole abstinence until marriage thing to result in no STDs is if everyone was celibate until marriage since the beginning of time.
Christians often use this logic to justify that stance. But, do you know how many people die from breathing? I mean, there are so many diseases passed on by breathing such as smallpox and tubercolosis and anthrax. I guess breathing much be evil, evil, evil. All you sinners, stop breathing! Because those who breathe, will be punished with the blight of disease. Sounds pretty ridiculous doesn't it? Just because breathing causes death and disease does not mean that breathing is somehow evil. Breathing is a necessary thing. People could not survive without breathing, so they go on breathing, despite the great risk they are posing to themselves. But not breathing, means death. They are willing to risk getting a disease so that they don't die of suffocation. Now, people can live without sex, that is right, but the point is, you don't stop living if there is a chance you might die. By saying that people who have sex get diseases, you are saying that people who breathe get diseases. It is the same logic. Sure, if you refrain from sex, it definitely does reduce your risks for STDs. But just like condemning people who breathe for getting TB, so too is condemning people who have sex for getting gonorrhea. Sex is a special, wonderful thing, that should not be locked away like its dirty.
Also, I was not condoning going out and having sex with like 500 people. Why, that's just crazy. Be safe, use protection, have sex with people you trust and know well, get checked regularly for STDs, and realize that there will always be a risk of contacting an STD. I mean, just having sex with random people is not very safe and I would definitely not recommend it. All I was arguing is that people should not deny themselves this part of themselves for an articifical thing like marriage. I was advocating that people should be able to have sex before marriage without it being seen as a sin. Not like 500 people. A sensible amount of people so as to reduce the risk of contracting diseases.
I am glad though that you agree with the whole celibacy thing. I too think it is ridiculous. Do you think that the Catholic Church should remove the celibacy requirement of their priests?
I agree with you. I will remain chaste until my wedding night and I'm proud of that.
"How many people are dead now because they refused to deny themselves outside of marriage?"
-None! Abstaining from sex doesn't harm your body. It makes you a stronger person, with more self-control.
Abstaining from sex doesn't give you more self-control, it just gives you more irrational guilt and makes you more repressed. After years of repressing your sexuality, on marriage night, you aren't going to suddenly be completely different. Once you form habits and behaviors, it is hard to change them. That is why so many people have trouble not biting their nails. That is why it will be hard to just erase the many years of sexual repression. You are just denying a part of yourself.
No it doesn't. And yes, those who abstain do have more self-control because they can make their own decisions with their brains; not with their sexual urges. And along with that, those who abstain have no chance of getting pregnant or acquiring an STD.
"And along with that, those who abstain have no chance of getting pregnant or acquiring an STD."
--Not exactly true. You can become pregnanct through invitro without ever having sex. Also, I watched a documentary on Discovery Health channel about a young boy who was pregnant with his own twin!
In addition, you can get STDs without having sex -- herpes, ghonorea, and chlamydia can be transmitted orally (mouth to mouth or genital to mouth); AIDS can be acquired at birth, sharing needles, ingesting infected medicine, or by blood transfusions.
Okay, they can't get pregnant unintentionally.
How can a boy be pregnant? That's crazy!
That's true, but it's more difficult to get STDs if you're abstinent. And with my abstinence, I consider oral sex to be sex, so genital - mouth exchanges wouldn't be occurring.
To be honest I did not finish the documentary, I had to unglue myself from my love, the television, and live my life -- so I am not exactly sure how it happened. From the part I did watch, it seemed like some fluke of luck with the splitting of the embryos that intended to create identical twins. But the images of the boy pregnant and the ultrasound images of a fetus within him were quite captivating -- I wish I could have stayed and indulged. The name of the show on Discovery Health was called "Medical Incredible" if I remember correctly.
But you still plan to kiss another person before marriage, you could get an STD from this as well. The point being...scaring people into abstinance by talking about all the horrible diseases they could contract will only convince the weak of mind, and even with them, only for a while.
yeah, you can get a STD by kissing, but that's only like Herpes Simplex 1 or any communicable disease, which I THINK the only one is AIDS and it's possible, but unlikely...
I have met a girl with herpes in her mouth -- it was GROSS!!! It looked like a uber-case of cold sores with puss added, plus her breath smelled horrible 24/7.
AIDS would be harder to transfer, but if any open sores/wounds were in your mouth you could contract it.
The point is you shouldn't live a celibate life out of fear of STDs or pregnancy. If you have other reasons, that is fine. But stop trying to hide behind the "sex before marriage causes STDs" so I abstain.
And please, don't try to scare people out of having sex -- peppermint has been known to hide her religious agenda behind false concern.
"And please, don't try to scare people out of having sex -- peppermint has been known to hide her religious agenda behind false concern."
-No, not everything had a religious agneda behind it. Yes, I'm abstinent because of my religious reasons, but even without talking about my faith, premarital sex has dangers. I have friends who are abstaining from sex for purely safe reasons. If everyone did this, there would be few abortions. But most people don't abstain. It seems like you'll just disagree with anything I say because you know about my religion. But my religion doesn't play a part in absolutely every comment I make.
I was speaking specifically to your blog "homosexuality = multiple health risks" -- the info you provided there was biased and faulty which made it seem that you had an agenda. You have most definately tried to scare people out of sex (i.e. your blog "the pill causes migranes" when you neglect to inform that it only increases the likelihood/frequency/intensity of migranes in women who already suffer from migranes, not spur migranes in women who never experienced them).
I don't disagree with everything you say either. I remember agreeing with you on several occations about issues other than sex or religion.
If religion consumes your life then YES is most certainly plays a part in every comment you make. This is not an insult or degrading towards you. Just simply that something you hold so dear will affect every aspect of your thoughts/decisions/outlooks.
If everyone did this, there would be few abortions? Are you kidding me? Do you know how many pregnancies are caused by rape, and how many abortions are caused by pregnancies resulting from rape? A rape victim doesn't get to pick to be a virgin before marriage. They are forced to have sex. They don't have a choice whether they get pregnant. Also, if safe sex were taught in schools instead of abstinence, there also would be much less abortions and much less pregnancies. And that approach is probably going to be more successful than everybody staying abstinent. Plus, you have to deal with the problem that the idea of everyone staying abstinent is not possible. I mean, in order to have that happen would include systematically dismantling the prostitution business, and providing economic opportunities for women who might turn to the prostitution business. It is almost impossible to do something like that. Teaching safe sex will work even if people do not remain abstinent, and even if people do not practice safe sex.
I don't have my sources because I have these statistics from a paper I wrote about abortion a few years ago. Anyway, only 1% of rape cases actually end in abortion. The top 2 reasons women get abortions are: (not in order) 1)Financial reasons 2)The pregnancy was just a mistake and they don't feel ready to have the baby.
it is very unlikely to get AIDS from kissing.
You can get more than Herpes. (Also, Herpes Simplex 1 refers to genital herpes. I think you meant Herpes Simplex 2, which is oral herpes.) Also, you can get both Herpes Simplex 1 and Herpes Simplex 2. The other STDs you can get is Gonorrhea, Chlymidia, and some others I can't remember.
Sorry, that post was supposed to be posted to another reply that appears earlier. I don't know why it was posted here.
No, because abstinence isn't just making a decision with their brains. It also involves the suppresion of sexual desire. That is what is so detrimental. You have to work every day to push sexual thoughts from your mind. Also, you can get pregnant without having sex. You can get pregnant from outercouse (that is engaging in behavior that does not result in intercourse, such as kissing and fondling while naked). Also, you can get STDs in many ways, not just through intercourse and oral sex. Many STDs, like gonorrhea, gential worts, syphillis, and herpes, are transmitted through contact with mucuous membranes. So even just sleeping next to someone naked could put you at risk for getting herpes. Even just touching a sore, and then touching your eyes, mouth or genitals will be enough to contract an STD. HIV/AIDS is basically contracted through exchange of bodily fluids. So, you can get it through, infected needles, through a bad blood transfusion, through unsterilized medical procedures, through simply someone's blood somehow getting in your blood stream, and through saliva if and only if there is sores present in both mouths.
The term STD makes it seem like its main transmission is through sex, but that is generally not true. It is usually through some means which is amplified through intercourse, but it can be contracted in many other different ways. That is why STDs are so scary. It is not just through sexual contact. It is so much more dangerous than that.
Well, I'm a virgin because I don't want to have to deal with catching diseases or getting pregnant, but I really don't plan on waiting until marriage because physical attraction is a big factor in a relationship. What if you waited until marriage to have sex and you weren't compatible in that area??? anyways, I don't neccessarily think that celibacy or abstinence is wrong. I think some people really need those practices and others need to start using those also.
I totally understand how you feel. That's how I feel about marriage too. I don't understand getting married to someone whom you have not had sex with. I think that having sex with someone is really important before getting married. Because why would you make such a big decision without knowing them completely? You can't know someone completely until you have gotten to know their sexual side (and you do that by having sex with them).
"Due to the integration of ‘hip teen abstinence programs’ into mainstream cultures, many teenagers are remaining a virgin until marriage"
I would like to know what is considered 'many' because I dont think this is true. I dont see anything wrong with premaritial sex. If you want to do it go ahead, if you dont, then dont.
You make it sound like remaining abstinent until marriage is actually a bad thing. If you agree with premarital sex for yourself, fine, but don't think less of people who do remain chaste. Any many teens are remaining virgins until marriage. I don't have an exact stat, but many are. Do you really feel like that's a bad thing?
Actually, I don't think absinence is wrong, it is the denial of sexual expression that I think is wrong. Because they are denying a part of themselves. I think that they are being convinced that a part of themselves it wrong and evil. I am not against people who wait until they have a serious relationship to have sex, or they wait until marriage to have sex because they are afraid of getting hurt, or because of fear of getting STDs. But I don't believe in completely ignoring sexual urges until marriage. I think that masturbation is a great thing, and should not be thought of as this bad thing. Maybe if abstinence programs preached masturbation until marriage, I would be totally for it. But they don't. In fact, masturbation is generally considered worse than premartial sex. That shows you that abstinence programs and religions are about making people guilty about their sexuality, not about encouraging people to be safe or to respect their body.
Actually, "Due to the integration of ‘hip teen abstinence programs’ into mainstream cultures, many teenagers are remaining a virgin until marriage" -- this is completely false.
According to the first site I posted below:
"Yet according to a study quoted in a Reuters report on abstinence 93 percent of American men and 80 percent of American women between ages 18 and 59 were not virgins on their wedding night."
--If by many you mean 20% of women and 7% of men than I guess you can say many.
Countless studies have been conducted to prove that educating children about sex will not decrease the likelihood of them having sex.
For an explanation go to: http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexualhealthqanda/f/abstinencesexed.htm
----
To see an description of sex education that works:
http://www.avert.org/sexedu.htm
These are two different things.
Abstinance is like fasting, limited and with purpose.
Celibacy is permanent.
Biblically Abstinance is encouraged.
Celibacy is said to be good for those who are naturally predisposed to it, but marriage is the ultimate common thing for people. (1 Corr. 11)
The main reason preists were told not to marry is during the dark ages they were having too many children. Priests at that time were becoming wealthy become of the social and political dominance of the church. The head hanchos were tired of preists leaving thier estates to their wives and kids instead of to the church.
Another sad tale of christian history, I'm sad that I have to admit to all the mistakes men have made claiming to be working for God.
I enjoyed your puns, even if they were unintentional.
--Mike
I respect abstinence or what ever but like someone said earlier, its ridiculous how you wait till your married have sex and get divorced cuz it wasnt everything you wanted it to be. Sex is a part of life that needs to be lived with limitations, but people take this chastity thing way too far.
I knew this girl and guy they'd been dating for 3 years, both were extremely religous until they kissed *ONCE*, the girl wanted to break up right away, the guy followed his pecker to greener pastures.. needless to say hes with someone else and he IS a good guy buuuut she lost a good opportunity. Now you tell me is this right? I think not.