I swear to God, you learn something new every day here. Like, good stuff. Not the Pythagoreum Therom (By the way, why the FUCK is it not THEORY???? ENGLISH, people, SPEAK ENGLISH!) or any shit like that, but stuff that's meaningful.
Last night, after the EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) meeting that we hosted here at the house (which, by the way, is awkward. Meetings of such nature should never occur in a place of residence), A and I talked. Like, really, really talked. I have this habit of judging people too quickly, deciding within 3 seconds of meeting them what kind of person they are. And I'm really ashamed by what I thought of her. I saw her and remembered thinking, "Why is this girl trying? She's not going to get better."
Why the FUCK would I think something like that? I have no idea. Her chances of getting better are just as good as anyone else's. Anyway, we were talking in her room, and even though she'd heard some of the messed up shit that goes on in my mind when I talk about it in group therapy, it was different talking one-on-one. She's really quiet, but she opened up to me and I just feel like we have this deep bond that honestly, no one else will ever understand. No one without an ED, that is.
In art therapy today, we were asked to discuss a moment in the last 24 hours that was US, not ED. And I brought up my conversation with A last night. It was one of the first times in a long, long while that I felt like the old Angie. The very talkative, slightly awkward Angie that I so, so miss.
I wrote in my journal this morning: "...I'm just meeting so many different types of people and experiencing so many new things since being here. In a way, that makes me very lucky." And I mean it. It's been 11 days--and maybe it's because I've always been a little overdramatic--but I seriously feel like I'm changing. And honestly, I am so, so thankful and grateful and blessed and every other similar adjective you can think of that I'm here right now. I honestly think coming to HG saved my life. If I didn't die from my ED, I probably would have wound up ending it myself. Because living with an ED means a life that is constantly full of pain, misery, regret, worry, shame, guilt, and lies. And that's just the short list.
I went to the gym today. I have never been so excited to exercise in my life. I drove myself, which was weird, because Laurie was going to be my "chaparone" type thing, but she was busy, so she handed me some directions, the keys to the car (sorry, Carmen), and waved me off. All the way there--when not worried about getting lost--I thought "SWEET FREEEEEDOM!!" It felt so good to just be on my own, even for a little bit. I practically skipped into the gym, and I'm pretty sure I scared the boy at the check-in desk with my nasty and non-hygenic appearance, but I didn't care. I could hear that elliptical calling "ANGIE! ANGIE! COME GET ME!" And I did, baby. For 30 minutes. That's all the aerobic activity that's allowed at once, but it was good for me. I realized I'm an extremely addictive person, and all-or-nothing is my motto. Either I'm gonna starve and exercise to the point of exhaustion every day to get skinny, or I'm gonna binge/purge and be one lazy son of a bitch. I need balance in my life, and I don't know if I'd be able to do it on my own, so these boundaries are good.
I was EXHAUSTED after my workout though. I thought to myself, "Goddamn. How the FUCK did I do this for 70 minutes every day at 4 am??" I must be out of shape. I kind of felt a stroke coming on, but nothing's happened yet so I think I'm in the clear.
I can't believe it's been 10 days since my last binge/purge episode (yes, 10. I did it the morning before coming here. Baaad choice). I MADE IT TO DOUBLE DIGITS, BABY!! I hardly ever think about doing it anymore, either. Just knowing that I'm not allowed makes all the difference. I think that's what I'm lacking in my life--rules and boundaries.
Growing up, I could do whatever I wanted for the most part. It's always been like that. And I think, internally, what I've been craving is structure. I can FOLLOW rules, which--as nerdy as it sounds and I can't believe I'm admitting it via Facebook--but that's what I told myself I would do my first day of kindergarden. I clearly remember thinking "I want to be a good kid. I don't want to be yelled at." YES, I actually thought that. I guess I've always been a bit fucked up.
My days seem brighter now. More and more often I find myself feeling good, happy, excited. I SANG last night while taking out the garbage. I sang CHRISTMAS MUSIC. If there's one genre of music I hate, it's the Xmas stuff. Give me Kenny G's oboe over it any day.
Things That I Want:
A life free of food, weight, and size obsession
Friends that I can trust and want to spend time with
Self-acceptance
Confidence
An education worth putting effort into
The lucky thing for me is, I already have some of these things. And the things I currently don't have ARE possible, I just have to work at it, every day, until they're there. And they will be. Here's my little nugget o' wisdom about myself:
If I was able to work THIS HARD to get down to the size and weight I am now--which inadvertently led me deep into the throes of Mr. ED--I have the ability to work just as hard to get myself out of it.
And let me tell you, I am one determined bitch.
