Welcome To My World-- Perfectly Unperfect.
A wise old soul; trapped, weak minded, scrawny, and puny but only mentally. Emotionally unstable bringing uneasiness to all that is encountered. What is it? It is I, the mast of moods and the star of my very own show. To be properly correct and percise about these feelings and fears, one must dig deep into a past more grave than the House of Usher and more heart stopping than a near death experience. Perhaps it is only few who would survive this trip through time into the memory bank of someone who is sure to be damned to unhappiness for life. Perhaps its just as easy as saying that I have run so long from fate that I, myself, have become my very own self-destructive reaper.
Is it possible to be aware that you have lost your mind? To be completly aware of your surroundings and yet be completly, silently, our of control? Every dagger to the heart subrtacts the minutes and hours from this ticking time bomb they call a MELT DOWN. So then I break, and I fall, and I climb back up this ladder, all splitered and bruised because life needs to go on and apparently people NEED me. Yet, I am in a shell, only to poke my head out when I am summoned. Like a daily routine I arise, the day happens, then I fall into a deep dark state of unconciousness. Call it sleep if you wish, but all it is to me is an altared reality and a comfort zone.
I am allowed to be myself in only one place - in my mind. As you know me now, I am fake. I'm just a movie to keep your brain entertained. You may think you know me and have me figured out but you don't; and believe me I would ask to switch places if I could. I would re-arrange my life like a puzzle to somehow let myself understand where it all started not fitting and disconnecting and somehow arrange those pieces to how I like them. But no, I cannot play God and play the card game called fate. Nor can i even begin to describe half these weld up feelings inside me -- and why should I?
If you're daft enough to pick through my life and try to understand me and what I've experiences... you will most positivily stop dead in your tracks when you discover that... I am EVERYTHING you could ever want in a woman. Oh! how the feelings will overcome you and OH! how you'll fall in love with every asset of my being and grab me tight and explain how you'll be the one to save me! And I'll smile and I'll swoon ... ... ... ... and fall deep into that rabbit hole debating that there is no such thing as love and no such thing as lasting happiness! And you, you will then take two steps back, then four, and then turn around and run far from me because it's too much baggage, just too much to handle. Alone I'll be, once more, crawling up that ladder and trying to move, trying to breathe... yet wanting nothing more than to just let go. As I slowly, weakly climb I think how much easier it would be to just remove my hands from these bars because I will always be the one to destruct a romance and think how it's no ones fault but mine that I! HAVE! FAILED!
The angels cry with me every night and the demons laugh in success knowing nothing will ever make me happy anymore. My limbs become weak, my eyes get heavy; here I go and you STILL CANT SAVE ME. Here i go away from here ino my altared reality where I can be happy with my thoughts. Emotionally unstable, yet searching for a meaning. Completly able to interperit what is happening and yet not being able to stop. No grip, and starting to fall, screaming out sorry to all those who've been hurt because of me.
Silence.
Just a heart beat.
Still alive, just alone --
And that's no ones fault but my own.
Stability -- Hm, now wouldn't that be nice.
Welcome to the real world of unperfect.
