My fights

I was really excited for this upcoming softball season until I realized it was going to be this huge competition. (And the season hasn’t even started yet) This is my 3rd year playing softball and I really want to play the position that I want to play but it seems like working your ass of and heart doesn’t get you anywhere. (Granted we haven’t started practicing yet but once we do I will work my ass off) I really like the person who will most likely get the position I want but it just makes me mad that I have to compete again. I really like her and don’t want to put her down or upset her but I just hate being in competition. I've been competing and fighting for things my whole life. I've fought to be myself and not be seen as a little Jennie(my older sister) . I've been fighting to not be Jennie even though I'm more like her then she will ever know and that I will ever admit. I've been fighting to break out of my so called family and not to be held back by them. I've been fighting not to become an alcoholic bum like my dad(he's a really good person though) I've been fighting to not be a cold hearted money obsessed bitch like my mom. I've been fighting all the diseases inside me that I got from my family, my aggression, the depression, alcoholism, the ability to not love somebody you should undoubtly love, to hold everything important inside and let it drive me into the darkness. I've been fighting against everybody because I'm not good enough for them. I've fought to prove myself to people who don’t care. I've fought to get the best grades I can, to do as many extra curricular activities, to be involved in everything that will teach me something and that will help me later on in life. I have been fighting to get the hell out of this town and to start my life and really be me and not be held back. I've been fighting so hard to get into college and get out of here and get as many scholarships as I can. I've been fighting for so many things and I have seen EVERYTHING that I've fought for given to somebody who hasn’t fought as hard as me and doesn’t deserve it .It's so frustrating. I'm so sick of fighting. I want to just give up but giving up wont do anything for me. It won’t help me at all. I really don’t want to upset anybody with this especially the one person in the softball situation it's just irritating me because it's just another competition. When will life not be a competition. When will I finally get handed something. When will I ever get what I really want. When does it get easier? Not necessarily easier but when will the cards ever land in my favor. Am I going to be fighting till my death. If so why should I even try. There’s no point. I don’t mean why live but I mean why fight for something I will never get, it would be easier to just give in and stop fighting. Oh wait but I can't. Do you see the dilemma?