How I Would Run the Universe

I wish you guys would describe for me how you would run the universe. If you thought about it you would believe. Tell me how you would do a better job running the universe? LINK

Now, I don't imagine that RIP thought that I would take him up on this challenge. Not many people would tell you that they could do it better than God. Unfortunately for all parties involved, I'm an egotistical, narcisstic, self-centered cynic. And I'm perfect. But, that's just how I would describe myself. ;-)

As we all know, I do think I could do it better than any Judeo-Christian God. I could do it better than Allah. I could do it better than Zeus, Jupiter...the whole damn Greco-Roman Pantheon. I just could. Why? Because that's the way I am. I'm a horrible person, but from here on though the end of the blog, I will set forth how I would:

A) Design the Universe.
B) Bring forth Life.
C) Maintain power.

These are obviously the traits any self-respecting (or self-loving in my case) creator would need. They have to be able to create the universe, the animals, and then maintain control over the animals. This is rather close to the Judeo-Christian God (I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have NO OTHER GODS before me). Read Genesis. It gives you the creation story. The Commandments are in Exodus.

If I were going to create the Universe, I would simply wish it into existence. Clap on, Clap off kind of thing. Sun, moon, stars, Earth. We're a heliocentric planet at a great distance from the Sun (92,955,807.267 mi LINK). We travel in an elipse, so that number is an average, but the eliptical orbit and the tilt of the Earth produces seasons. The positioning of the Earth is perfect. And in an infinate Universe, the odds against an Earth-like (capable of sustaining life) planet are astronomical. Assuming the Universe is infinate, Earth is merely a statistic; we exist because we can. (If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way. LINK)

And that is the creation of the Universe. Create an infinate amount of space, fill it with an infinate amount of matter, anti-matter, and energy, BOOM! Isntant Universe.

Next, we've got to bring forth life. I can do that. I'm the God, the Creator of an infinate Universe (I came from nothing, since you're wondering. There was Nothing, nothing is knowing about Nothing, and Nothing brought me forth from nothing). I know all, sense all, etc. So, in bringing forth an infinate universe, I have created life on a handful (or couple million) planets. It's a statistical probablity that Life exists outside of Earth. Now, we assume that I divine to simply rule over one planet. Assuming the Universe to be infinate, it's a little selfish to assume that God cares about me.

This having been said, let's assume that Godly me is as big a prick as I am. This means I want, I desire, I NEED people to worship me. Let's say to be egotistical is to be perfect, since I deny any flaw in my character or being or existence.

I come over this blue speck roughly 93 million miles from a faint yellow glow with a rock floating around it ~300000km away. Animals on this rock have been able to gain intellect, reason, and what could be called logic from observation and a long chain of natural selection.

I would, being the Ego that I am, show myself to these people, live among them as their God. I would call for worship, take a couple of requests for rain, sun, drought, famine, etc. a day. I would prove that I was the Alpha and the Omega (Fuck, I'd have them write a whole new alphabet that glorified me...). I would have the greatest minds of this planet create for me a palace in which to live where servents would do everything for me so I didn't stress my superior mind. I would make these people slaves. If they didn't submit, they'd instantly incinerate before everyone's eyes. Fire is a motivator, I don't care what they tell you.

Sure, I'd be a little dominearing, but I think that my method would cause for a lot more believers. It would eliminate Government (all law would come from me), eliminate religion (all worship would be directed towards me), eliminate hardship (except from me). I would be a pretty benevolent God (dictator), too.

Well, there you have it. That is how I would do it better. Those are only the larger points. I would have a few smaller things taken care of, too. (Make this planet my home and eliminate pollution and global warming, make plants and animals and humans have the same life span [100 - 120 years], and finally, I would make everyone the same color, speak the same language, and worship me equally.) Oh, and don't ever forget the old addage: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. LINK

On another note, I've been a member of ProU for 1 Year and 4 Days on today, 2/29. I would like to say that it's been horrible and that I hate it, but that would be lying. I love you all almost as much as I love my 4th toe. You know, the one between the little toe and the middle toe? That one. Happy Fucking Leap Day! (You know I had to say fuck, I didn't use it enough in the blog!)