Hey all...I'm not sure what I'm doing right now...but I feel like I have to type this out just so I don't have to think about it anymore.
I guess this is a reflection of what I've learned about my Spring Break really...
Well I guess I'll start from here...Since the end of my Sophomore year I had always wanted to go to UC Davis and...well...I found out the last day of our 3rd quarter that I didn't get in...luckily it was BEFORE school and I had my AP Economy Final. I guess you could say this is was the start of my reflection on what I've done.
I walked on campus and I hadn't said a word since I had found out...but lucky me was spotted by my swim coach who was encouraging me to do well at the swim meet that day. He knew immediately something was up and I could barely say anything because I was choking on the simple utterance of 'I didn't get into UC Davis'. Suddenly I broke down and I really hadn't done something like that in literal years. I don't really care what anyone has to say about that...I felt as if my life might as well end, not through suicide, that was middle school, this was different. It was as if someone had already died, that I was already dead. I have to say that I didn't think that I wouldn't get in, I thought that I was there for sure...I had a rough time sophomore year but I had been told that colleges like to see growth during high school, the passing of seven AP courses couldn't have hurt either. Back to tangible events, I sat down to take my AP Economy final and I was stuck on question 11 for about ten minutes, not that I couldn't do it...I had already done it, but I just kept going back to it thinking I had to do it still. Then I just sat for another 15 minutes thinking that there was no point in even continuing this stupid test. "Knowing how my life's been" I thought "I'll get rejected by UC Berkeley and UC Santa Cruz". Eventually I finished the final, not bothering to check back to make sure the answers were 100% correct, and then I talked to a good friend and then went home.
I spent that time writing an appeal essay for UC Davis and then listened to my grandmother tell me that it shouldn't get me down and that I have a big swim meet today and that I can't let that bother me. Well why the hell wouldn't it? That's some mental capacity if you can smile after realizing that your pictured potential future was utterly destroyed.
Anyways, I went to the meet, I swam the 200 Free for the first time in about a year, my dad and grandmother were there watching and when I saw my dad I knew he had heard the news and he told me we would figure something out, but that's a given. It was hard at the time to think about that fact that I had fought so hard to get to where I am, after being constantly screwed over by people who I thought were friends, a mother who I thought was a parent, and a country that I thought would give those who ACTUALLY WORK HARD a chance to survive. By that I mean financial aid, but that's a whole other story, plain and simple they say we make too much money but a construction worker in California is well below the asset ceiling...which would be a stupid battle to have fought if I didn't get into a UC. Anyways back to not ranting, I swam the 100 Freestyle, improved, best time, 53.34, sorry Ben, I don't care if you came in .04 seconds after me lol, I beat you.
Next day we left for Greece. For the sake of this section I will keep identities hidden but I will not lie on anything I did. I talked with a good friend on the way there on the flights. Wow it was a long three flights, I absolutely hate flying. Anyways, well, I think I'll write about the trip itself in a more positive blog, but let's just talk about what happened there that made me think a bit. A few friends from Liberty that I hadn't spoken to for a couple years went on the trip. I ended up being so psyched to see them that I basically forgot about anyone I knew from Heritage, including a good friend. One friend from Liberty was really successful in their senior year, getting offers from places like NYU, Durham, and Cornell. After just finding out about Davis and hearing from this persona bout their offers it made me feel like my entire high school career was a joke. Then this person questioned me what I would have done at Davis and I didn't have an anwer. I found a reason why which was that I am in the first generation of my family to go to college, let alone a UC and I viewed the acceptance at Davis as a sign of achievement. My friend had already figured out their career goals, I can't even remember the major, it might as well have been in Dutch it was so long. So basically...crap, I don't know what I'm doing at all and I'm going to be left behind because I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But can you blame me? It's a big step and I want to do something great, I don't want all this work to go unnoticed.
A few days later I found myself not being able to go to sleep and was awake pretty late. Someone in my cabin bought alcohol when we were in Rhodes I think (18 is legal in Europe, although they were selling to people who were 15 so I guess 10 must be legal age (just to say a safe number)). He was trying it and asked me if I wanted some and I for some reason said sure...and I don't drink. I couldn't tell you the last time I tried alcohol but I can tell you the countless times I've been around it. A lot of people know me as the person who avoids it...the reason because is that everyone in my family has sufferred from alcohol or drugs in some manner, my mom is a perfect example. Alcohol embodies something/someone I do not want to be, because people use it in my family to escape from their problems and issues...something that I told myself I would never start because I have fought so hard to get through my problems and not fall to what people expected would happen to me, why would I want my life to take more downward turns? Anyways, Mr. I didn't get into Davis decided to not hesitate for the drink. Later I found myself at a disco on the cruise ship we were on and another drink was offerred because someone brought a drink back from the bar. At the peak of my stupidity? I drank all the vodka that was left in a water bottle and found myself in a new world. I started spilling water all over myself and eventually my friends from liberty in the room nextdoor came in and saved me from being any more of a show and hauled my ass back to my cabin in the front of the ship...lucky me had to start from the back. I couldn't even walk...god I was stupid. I thought everything was funny...apparently I'm a really funny drunk...too bad that side won't be shown for a long time. Eventually I was in my room, my friends from liberty were babysitting me until I sobered up and made me drink water, etc.etc. so I didn't get a hangover. After a couple of hours I kind of crashed (apparently when I'm drunk I also have mood swings). I was really depressed and found myself saying that it's childish things like this that are the reason why I didn't get into Davis and that I fall to peer pressure too easily and that I can't handle stress or problems easily. If you ever go to Challenge Day, they talk about how everyone has a balloon and that we fill it up with stress and if we don't release it, then it will explode, what I do is basically implode and enter depressions and then somehow I keep doing what I do every day until things become normal. But obviously it's still not an excuse for what I did, I was just stupid.
I'm not sure what I was intending to get across in this to myself...I think I was intending on making a point or something...but it's been a while since I started this blog and now I can't remember. All I know is that for some reason when I looked at the itinerary for this Greece trip or thought about it, I thought I was going to be on an 'intellectual escapade', but it was definitely a meltdown waiting to happen since this high school year started, a reality check, and a damaged friendship. I would really like to apologize to those who have a different view of who I am now, even if you have one after reading this. I can't say this is the side I hide because I'm practically an open door, otherwise I wouldn't be typing all of this, but it's a problem that I'm working on. I'm not dependent on drugs nor do I even use them at a certain frequency, it's just that my head needs to figure out how to not care so much about what's going on around it and I gotta not sweat the small stuff.
Oh yeah. So another way this break has turned out pretty swell. We all arrived home the second Monday of spring break. I woke up Tuesday and found out that I had asthmatic bronchitis when I went to the doctor for a persistant cough that started the day before, I can't go three waking hours without wheezing and having to use that stupid nebulizer machine and when I wake up I feel like I can't breathe on top of coughing up half a lung. The way I saw this break working out was that I would be getting back in shape for swimming during this last week, not staying home being sick and laying down all day because I feel weak. Now what's great is that I will not be going to Mission Viejo, a huge swimming meet in California, because 1) I'm still not better and 2) it's this Saturday and you don't get back in shape that quickly...especially me. During the week I basically slept and took meds and then just repeated the same process...but then I come to find out by Friday that there is a rumor going around on the Liberty and Heritage swim teams about one of my liberty friends and I hooking up. I already know how it got started so I don't need to do anything about that but this is ending it. Stop talking about it, you weren't there so don't try to run any ideas. At that the believed reason as to why I have been home all week is because she has been keeping me in bed, also wrong. I really can't wait to see these people when if I can ever get better from this stupid sickness. I guess I feel more confrontational after coming back from the trip, but not fight confrontational. I think I'm going to actually say something now if there's something being said that I don't like instead of dwelling on it. I damaged a friendship just sitting and listening as people around me degraded someone I was close to, I don't want that to happen again.
hmm....I thought I was going to write about something about this upcoming quarter but I haven't the slightest idea as to what the hell it was....
I guess these are my thoughts right now. I regret ever having to make certain people disappointed in me and there's not much I can do to make up for it except stay the way I want to be and work as best as I can to not stray off the path. Going back to school...I don't know what to think. I feel like i'm going to work hard to get really good grades this last quarter...and I probably will. But just as this break turned out I don't think you can really know for sure how an event or place in time will happen. Seniors who read this, do not yearn for graduation, enjoy these last two months, make the best of them and do not make decisions that you will later regret, no matter how good the temporary benefit is.
I was probably really redundant in this but please excuse it...thoughts keep coming back and I can't really tell if I got them out yet lol.
Oh yeah, about the whole college thing. I was accepted at UC Santa Cruz and I will be attending that school until I figure out what I'm doing, at least those AP classes won't have gone to waste and I have motivation for the tests in May.
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