I felt my heart break the moment I fully realized that my grandmother would not live forever. The woman who raised me and showed me the true meaning of love was mortal. I was shocked. Somehow I held this irrational belief that somebody so good and pure and loving would not and could not die. I was so mad at the doctor that told me that my grandmother had a brain tumor that could not be removed because of complications due to the area that the tumor was located. Why couldn't he help her? Why couldn't he save her? As I was filling up with anger, she just turned to the doctor and said "thank you" as calmly as could be. I just stared at her, bewildered at how she could calmly accept her death sentence with manners. She further shocked me by asking how long until she died, all of this with a smile on her face. The doctor also seemed to be caught off guard because his smile faltered and his answer was 10 seconds later than it should have been. His answer, "6 months".
6 months. Half a year. Thats all I had left with my hero.
So far, the rest of her life as been filled with internal torture on my part. It kills me to have to literally carry my grandmother to bed everyday as she slowly loses the ability to walk properly. I have to spoon feed her because she can not control her hands and arms long enough to do it herself. She can't walk with me to the park while I rant about my latest problems. Instead, all we can do is sit in the house as she asks me the same question over and over because she can't remember previously asking and all I can do was answer continually with a smile on my face as my heart is breaking.
4 months of this torture as passed, and it only gets worse. The day I realized that my grandmother is slowly leaving me was the day she forgot my name. The day her hug was no longer full of love. The day she forgot who I was and kicked me out of her house.
I never dreamed my grandmother who raised me would forget who I was and kick me out of her house, but then again, I never thought she would get this sick either.
The hardest part of all this has been not seeing her for a month, especially knowing this is her last month. It hurts so much that she won't let me in because she thinks i am a stranger.
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