A Plea to the Mothers of Males: Please don't lose your minds.
Why is it that when a woman has a son she goes ape-shit-crazy? I mean, every girl that is within dating range of her perfect little voting-age-drinking-age-living-on-his-own bundle of joy is a whore/slut/tramp/goodfornothing(you get the point.)?
I'm only dating my boyfriend, but it's been long enough and serious enough that I could consider his mother my Mother-In-Law. Those words strike fear into the hearts of many young women because of horror stories fed to them by other women. The saddest part being that the stories are true!
I've been through the ringer. Everything from me being wrong on any possible subject I have enough information to form an opinion about, to being told that I should not be offended by her interrupting me because it's her house and I get to talk to her son more than she does (This was told to me basically in a "sit down and shut up" way, and by the way, we see her every night for dinner.) She tells people that we force her to make us dinner, when in reality every time we want to make dinner for ourselves at our own house, whether we give her proper warning or not, she is offended and angry. It's so bad that I told my beau we should budget for counseling for his mother in our wedding budget.
If she was just flat-out mean about it I would probably handle it better, but she offsets it with sudden bursts of niceness. Now, don't get me wrong. It's more like we expect her to be rude and she surprises us by being nice - not the other way around. So it's rather hard for me to just say she's a witch with a B, because sometimes she does nice things. The nice things are sometimes done in a sneeky fashion though. For instance, she bought my beau a new bed for Christmas - aww, right? Moving on - Well, I went with to pick it out, and the beau and I saw a rather expensive coffee table that we rather liked. We started talking about both paying for half of it, and considering it our Christmas present to each other. Lovely idea, right? For starters his mother responded to this idea with "Well who gets it when you break up?" Logical question, I suppose, but rude none the less. We've been dating for quite some time and obviously have plans for the future. We don't plan on breaking up but if it were to happen I'm sure we would rather deal with these issues then. I had barely recovered from this slashing comment in time for the bed to be delievered...along with the coffee table! She had "surprised" my beau by buying it for him as well. A nice gesture - or was it?
Also, my lovely beau is finally acknowledging the antics of his mother, and not telling her things that he shouldn't. He did slip, however, and while talking about an equitable account that he is in possesion of, his mother started to tell him how he should spend the money (no surprise there). He accidentally said, "Oh no, that's my ring money". She flipped a lid. The most memorable comment was "You better not be spending that kind of money on a ring, no woman is worth that much." Alright - First of all, it's only $2,000. Second, I didn't even know the money existed until he told me it was, and then informed me what he intended to use the money for, so it's not like I demanded that he had to spend it on me. I may not care how much my future engagement ring costs, but that's not to say that I'm not worth $2,000!
I've tried to be nice to her, I really have. I haven't blown up at her (yet). And in the beginning I didn't even vent to my beau about his mother, because I didn't think it would be right. Ultimately, though, her actions hurt my feelings so bad, and they were so outlandish that I had to say something to him. Now we both recognize, and joke about, his mother's bitchy, negative ways.
Anyways. Having used this singular relationship of mine as a personal example, I would love to know what switch gets flipped to "bitch" when a woman has a son. And I beg of you, any woman out there who has a young son, and the switch hasn't flipped yet -- Don't let it happen! For the sake of your son's future girlfriends and wife...Just don't! Do you really want your son's girlfriend reccomending that they figure a way for you to get counseling before she marries your son, just so the marriage will go smoother? Do you really want your son's relationships to be damaged by your unexplicably rude ways?
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You know.. . I don't know what it is with mother's and their sons but, it is definitely something bizarre! I have 3 brothers and my mother is the same way with them. My sister has a son and she is the same way with him. I continuously tell her, "What in the he## are you doing??? For cripes sake, leave the kid alone; quit coddling him and trying to make him a 'momma's boy'"
My brothers. . . WELL! One calls her every now and then. One calls only when he needs something and, the third, he never calls. Yet, it is her DAUGHTERS (me and my sister) that she treats like second class citizens. Although we are the only 2 of her 5 children that have ever taken care of her. Go figure.
To mother's, their sons can do no wrong. I personally have 3 daughers. And, I suppose the Good Lord knew what he was doing by not giving me a son. I do not believe in coddling boys and they would have to 'tow the line'. I make my girls do the same. They have learned to be self sufficient and independent.
To this day, my mother-in-law still buys my husband 'toys'. Although they've become bigger and more expensive over the years, they are toys nonetheless.
I think it is a jealousy/envy kind of thing. They can't handle the fact that their son can actually have love for another female in their life other than their mother. In some strange way, they think it takes away from their relationship. This is especially true if they do not have a good relationship with their spouse. As bizarre as it sounds, they have let the male child 'take the place' of their spouse. . . in all ways except for the physical affection. Kind of a territorial type thing.
The switch gets turned to 'b' (I like that little phrase) as soon as the ring is on the finger. Or, if they hear any type of negative comment come out of your mouth concerning their holyier than thou, son.
You are already one step ahead though, if that is any consolation. If your 'beau' recognizes the signs now, prior to marriage, it will make your marriage that much easier. You can limit the time you spend with the in-laws.
The further you move away, the better. That way, she can learn to cherish the times she has together with him or else, she will have to do without seeing him! Boundaries have to be set when you deal with difficult in-laws.
I am lucky that I get along with mine. My ex. . well, that was a different story. I love my mother-in-law to death! I would do anything for her. She has managed to stay neutral for the most part because she likes to see her grandchildren. And, we get along great. If you can just recognize her fear for what it is, sometimes it's easier to let those little digs roll off your back. Otherwise, you could spend a lifetime obsessing over all the snide comments and frankly, who has time for that!
Good Luck to you. In time, hopefully, when she sees you are not the 'monster' who is 'stealing' her son; she will realize she has the potential to gain a 'daughter' and a friend!
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"Truths Are The Roots To Trust"
I honestly think my MIL person has mental issues. My beau says she used to be fun, but she's just horribly negative now. No one can do any right by anything (her little boy excluded, of course.) I wasn't totally kidding when I said we should get her counseling. Getting her to go would be a whole 'nother matter.
I have no problem letting the digs roll off my back. I just intend to let her know someday that her rude comments and insensitive tone with me will get her no where. A "put her in her place" type of thing. Not that that place is necessarily below me, but when I marry *I* will be the number one woman in my husbands life. And I completly have have plans to marry her son (engagement is immenent..tee-hee *blush*) so she is going to have to learn to accept that or SHE is in for the lifetime of obsessing.
I don't plan on having children until we are FAR FAR away. Being as she obsessively bitched about what we named our DOG (!!?!? *insert random cursing*) yea...no kids until we are long gone.
It's debatable or not whether its progressive that the beau admits there is issues with his mom. He admits it freely - to me. He does not stand up for me, or do anything about her controlling antics. He says it won't do any good. That if he says anything it will "just make it worse". I think by allowing this behavior and ignoring it it makes it worse, because it makes it look like she is in the right (and trust me she needs no one to inforce THAT fact...lol).
I try to laugh about it, and make it a joke between my boyfriend and I. It makes it easier to deal with. I will say something one day though, because I can only take so much crap without saying something, and like I said, I don't want her to think that her bitchiness it appreciated or accepted.
Oh yeah. My boyfriend also has this idea that it's normal for girls not to get along with their MIL's. That its only some freak of nature when they do. I think that's wrong, and it's completly possible if both parties are willing.
Sorry this was long-winded. I could talk about this subject all night lol
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"So stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!"
Welllllll. . . as any long-time married couple could probably attest to. . there is no way on God's green earth that you could possibly MAKE the future MIL go to counseling. What I CAN tell you is this. . if the situation is not dealt with now (or shortly after your engaged/married) it will be the two of you in counseling. . not her. Her son is the one who needs to confront her on the issue of disrespecting his 'other half'. If he, in the end, won't do it then, of course, you will be left holding the bag and be forced to stick up for yourself.
And, no, it is not some 'freak of nature' to get along with your MIL. I think what you hear about most are the people who don't get along.. . makes for more juicy conversation.
Your 'beau' isn't the only guy who feels that if he were to confront her on it, it would make it worse. It's called, "not wanting to rock the boat." It is merely a way of dodging the inevitable!
I don't know how old your boyfriend's mother is but, it may be possible she is going through menopause. Who knows! Could be lots of things that play into her attitude.
In any case. . . good luck with all that. Been there, done it. . . don't envy you (wink, wink)
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"Truths Are The Roots To Trust"
http://www.unitedforpeace.org/calendar.php?sortby=&caltype=51
You can find a listing of the locations where protests are happening there. Not all of them are registered, though, so you could also google your city and "4th anniversary protest" and see what comes up.