Living here, it's so easy to think "I've got this eating right thing down. I'm good. Good. To. Go!" but when you get out in the real world, you realize "Oh, shit. Um. Do I really need TWO starches? Nah. But I should. But I don't have to. So I won't. But I will. But I'll feel guilty."
The going back and forth drives me INSANE. Today, I met up with Cuyla, Lindsay, and Emily for lunch. First off, it was WEIRD being back at SDSU. Being on campus as an observer rather than a student was actually really nice. I was like "Huh, this is a pretty nice school." Do I want to go back there? No. Is it aesthetically pleasing? Yes, yes it is. It was nice admiring it from afar.
Secondly, seeing the girls was SO great. I really wish I would've hung out with them more when I was actually living with them in the dorms; damn the shaft!! The nuts are where the good people are :-). Cuyla said to me "You look good! You look really happy." Which was a really nice thing to hear, considering that, truthfully, I looked like crap. I made sure to shower this morning, though, so at least I was clean.
It's kind of weird seeing people again. I mean, I see people every day, but I mean people not living at the HG. People who know I'm in recovery. It's not awkward, it's just weird actually seeing the people in person who have supported me so much through texts, messages, etc.
Anyways, at lunch, I was quite tempted to go back to my old bowl-of-vegetables-no-dressing-cheese-or-croutons routine, but I thought "No, no. You can't." So I went somewhere else and got in ALL of my exchanges. That's right, baby. 2 starches, fruit, dairy, fat, and protein. When I was waiting in line, I even told Cuyla "Make SURE I get something with fat. Cheese or avocado?" I went with the cheese--2 slices, so it covered dairy and fat. And I felt extremely proud of myself afterwards. I admit, though, when I was eating it, I was trying to calculate the amount of fat in those two slices. After a while though, I just thought "Fuck it! Who cares?" and then started talking about Burrito Dick Girl (sick story...don't ask) and her new roommate.
We had interpretive dance again today. But before it started, I went to the bathroom and Francine (the expressive arts therapist....otherwise known as Franny) came in and starting BRUSHING HER TEETH. At first, I thought "What the HELL?" then I realized that this was Franny we were talking about, so it made it normal. When we got into the studio, we tied scarves around ourselves for giggles. We had to hold these Nerf-type balls, which Franny described as "Our own personal space ship! We're going into outer space and connecting with our inner space." I laughed so hard that I snorted, to which Franny said was completely acceptable. When Franny started teaching the dance, Laura and I started ghetto dancing behind her. Barb had a scarf tied around her head to make her look like a kung fu master, and once again I laughed so hard I almost had to go to the bathroom.
Barb is awesome. She rocks. She's nurturing, which I appreciate, and I have dependency issues, which works for her. She couldn't stand my black nail polish and had been commenting on it for weeks now. "Take that off!" or, in a more subtle manner "Hey, Angie. There's some nail polish remover in the upstairs bathroom if you, you know, ever needed it." Today, however, she had had it. She marched me into the bathroom and removed it.
"This is for you, honey. You'll feel much better when it's gone." She then painted my nails a pretty purple color. It was definitely an exercise in bonding.
At dinner, Barb put a random CD in to listen to while we ate. It was this weird, bluegrass, moany music that irritated me so much I wanted to launch my chicken across the room. Barb and I wound up laughing so hard during "Let's Talk More About Our Food Related Feelings! Time" after the meal that Adrienne had to pinch me to make me stop.
I talked to Meagan last night on the phone, and it is so, so nice to feel that connection. Hearing her violent tendencies cheered me up. I really appreciate the people in my life that I can tell EVERYTHING to without sounding crazy or irritating.
It's crazy to think you can become closer to certain people after moving away. There are people that I tell so much to now that are back home that while I was living there, we weren't that close. I must say, I feel my relationship with Amber Zio has certainly come full circle since our Country Girl days :-).
I get out about two days after my birthday. I have no idea what I want to do to celebrate. I feel like it has to be something meaningful, to kind of say "YOU MADE IT! YOU NOW DIGEST NORMAL FOOD!" Hopefully my "healthfulness" (if that's not a word, it is now!) will still be occurring at that time.
I'm having trouble sleeping lately. I get up SO early and can't fall back asleep. Aimee's told me that TWICE now, she's heard me either laughing or crying in my sleep. Um...WHAT?!? I have NO memory of these so-called sleep laugh/cries. And I try to think if I had any funny or sad dreams, and I can't remember at all. But it's really freaky.
If I stay up any longer, the rest of this note may be a bit capricious, so I'll end day 38 here.
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