Gay Mormon, an oxymoron

Here is my personal experience growing up Mormon (LDS) in Utah, and being gay.
From the time I was old enough to be attracted to anything I knew that I liked/ preferred men. I say prefer, but when I say that I can only think of 3 single events when I was actually attracted to a women (aside from just knowing that a female is aesthetically pleasing I mean).
To try to overcome this “abnormality” I did several things:
First, I would do punishments. Whenever I saw a man I liked I would immediately find a female counterpart and think of ten things that were better about her. The highest I was ever able to get to was 5. I even went so far as to say for every man I looked at that was one meal I would skip. After several involuntary fasts, and almost fainting a time or two I changed meals to acts of random kindness. Long story short, it didn’t work.
Second, I took to more extreme measures. I decided that the only way to overcome this thing would be to expose myself to erotic images of the opposite sex. I’m not proud of this fact. It literally tore me up inside. I believe I am still suffering several mental and physiological problems due to this method of self-help. In the long run I found the homosexual counterparts and was caught-up in an addiction that lasted most of my adolescent years. Even the recollection of this arouses feelings of self-hatred and heart-ache.
Third, I turned toward my homegrown religion. I had read enough posts on the internet to know that it wasn’t healthy to expect religion to miraculously change me, still though I hoped it would. What can I say? I’m a optimistic realist. My family wasn’t particularly active in our church, nor was it inactive. It vacillated somewhere toward a middle ground, but one thing was clear, religion was viewed as a chore. It was necessary, but arduous. When I was about 16 I decided that I would become fully devoted to the church. I attended church with my sister, the rest of my family usually didn’t attend. A year and a half later she decided to serve a full-time mission. During her time in Brazil I continued going to church every week. I fulfilled positions of leadership, organized service projects, and was the all-around exemplary member of our congregation. My sister returned from her mission and shortly after I left for mine.
I want to make it clear that at the time my motives for leaving on a mission were pure. I had no intention that the mission would change my orientation, in fact I thought I would return home the same and be faced with a whole new world of trials. I served an honorable two years and came home. Despite my gung-ho attitude something changed on my mission. I went from a strong belief, dare say I, even a knowledge, that the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was the one and only true church to a somewhat waning hope. My knowledge had come from prayer, and likewise my confusion from the same enlightened source.
I continued on this path, which lead me to a church college, to Brigham Young University. Only this path wasn’t lined with support and comradery. What I found was loneliness, confusion, and being labeled as an outcast. I attended that institution for one year, but it finally grew to be too much.
Now, I am in a state of transition. Many things are unsure, yet many are more concrete than I ever imagined. Several of my friends and family know, most don’t. Where I go from here I don’t know. Actually, that’s my purpose…If you have any thoughts, advice, perhaps an anecdote, please share. I will say this, I no longer believe in the Church of Jesus Christ as the Lord’s institution, perhaps that will help guide comments.
More posts, will in ensue, perhaps containing stories, feelings, thoughts, and responses to what I hope will be a sort of discussion between anyone willing to share.

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