You know it is funny, I have so little to say to the world.
I read a lot of the blogs on this website and I enjoy almost all of them, I like to hear what people have to say and I find it interesting to see how they say it.
But when I evaluate my life and who I really am I find that I got nothing. In all honesty I’m a self loathing, self involved, egotistical, narcissistic, pessimist who really just wants to affect his small corner of the world. Now one might be saying “how can you be self loathing and narcissistic at the same time” and I would answer “ I don’t know, gtfo!” (haha)
But in the end I don’t want to change anyone, that means that If I don’t like you or we don’t match, I will leave or you will leave, either way im happy.
I am…. I seem to say this a lot and don’t quite know why. In the end I care nothing for anyone yet care everything for everyone. Though it is selfish I only think about myself and how I can be happy, yet I have this utter hypocritical stance that everyone should be happy and I want to help them understand how.
Yet the biggest surprise to me is that Im not happy, I would live so differently from how im living now that it isn’t even funny. My goal is to leave my life which I can’t do until im out of High School. I am constantly told that I will change when im older, I will mature as it is said and I don’t know how. I don’t want to become one of those people who do the same thing every day and just bathe in their utter stupidity, I don’t want to have some happyless life where I sit around and bitch. I want to either become a Psychiatrist or a Teacher (real original) both help others understand things, yet I don’t want to do this for the patients or the students, I want to do it because it is what I want to do.
At this point im battling with my own theories of how my life should be lived, that is my self loathing, yet I find that im happy with most of my choices and im happy with most of the things I choose to do.
In all honesty I have done nothing and will end nothing, I will be hopelessly light and no one will remember me in over 40 years after death, but im okay with that. Im just………….
(sorry but I have no idea how to end this wild string 0f utter shit)
Alright friend, you are not alone. I have this "selfish" need to do what I want with my life. I don't want to fit into social standards by going to one job and doing the same thing everyday for the rest of my life, over and over and over. I enjoy my decisions to choose a major that doesn't have high pay jobs, because I just want to learn. What's the point anyway? We go to high school to prepare for college, college to prepare for "real life", then we go to a job to prepare for retirement, and we ake our retirement to prepare for death. I understand where you are coming from, and you are not alone in your feelings. And if you do mature, hopefully it will be in a way you want to change, not your family or friends.