Several months after my birth, DeAnna joined the Army. Actually, joining the Army had been her plan all along. The plan was waylaid by her pregnancy. I would love to talk to her about that time. We received letters from her during her enlistment but most were sort of vague and general in nature. I know she spent some time in Germany and seemed to enjoy it there. She mentioned joining a Volksmarching group, a walking club. She talked about visiting a castle and doing some other sightseeing. I would love to hear more because I would love to travel. I hope I have a chance to travel in the future. There are so many things I want to see. At some point DeAnna ended up in Iraq. She was supposed to do telecommunications work but it didn’t turn out that way. I don’t know what happened or what kind of work she ended up doing, just that it was something other than what she was trained for. She wrote that she played volleyball in her spare time and during a visit she told my mom and dad about going for a walk and ending up lost in the desert. I want to know more. Overall did she enjoy her stint in the army? I want to know what her job was and what she did after she was discharged. I think she got married, maybe twice, but I’m not sure. Did she have a job or did she stay home with Sebastian and her other son? Is she happy? Is she healthy? I really don’t know. But I hope so.
I treasure all of the pictures and letters and visits. I don’t actually remember the visits but I know there were at least three. I am told that I requested the last one when I was five years old. I have a vague memory of meeting in a park; of DeAnna having a little boy with her. That little boy was Sebastian, my brother. I haven’t seen him since that day. I don’t know anything about him. Since then DeAnna has had another son, but I don’t know his name. Are we alike in anyway? Would we like each other? Could we be friends? Do they even know about me or who I am? There was another baby at that meeting, Daniel, my brother who is also adopted. This meeting took place on Mother’s Day 1995. A fact that I was oblivious to, but a fact that I imagine must have added to the already emotionally charged event.
To me the most essential part of the trip would be sharing my emotions about how I feel about all of this; about being adopted. Sometimes I really do not know how I feel about my birthparents. I would not say that it has been hard not really knowing my birthparents. I have just tried hard not to let it interfere with my day-to-day existence. On one hand, I really want to get to know them both, but on the other hand, I sometimes have strong feelings ranging from animosity to indifference toward DeAnna and Adolph. I want to tell her that I know that she meant well by placing me for adoption; I know she did not abandon me, but sometimes it feels very much like I was abandoned even though I know that she and my adoptive family love me very much. I really don’t know what Adolph thinks or feels about anything. I don’t even know what he looks like. Do I look anything like him? Do we share any characteristics or interests or hobbies? Where is he? What is he doing now? I know that he went to college for a while and eventually enlisted in the Army, but that’s all. I don’t want to hurt DeAnna’s feelings, but sometimes I want to talk to her and be honest about how I feel. There are other times when I don’t care what she or Adolph know, or what they think...
i couldn't imagine how that must feel. especially when you now have brothers that your birthparents are raising. i think its important to do what you feel when you feel it because it always seems like regret takes over when you don't. :)
Yeah. I really don't feel much anymore for either families. I'm pretty indifferent to the whole idea of family.