I can feel all the walls closing in around me. It takes me forever to get to sleep at night and once I finally do get to sleep, in the wee hours of the morning, I never want to wake up. I sleep though the entire morning and well into the afternoon, awaken constantly by the ringing phone. Damn creditors. By the time I am able to drag myself out from under my warm comforter, I can hardly move due to the pain, so I pop a painkiller and wait for it to kick in before I bother to get up.
I used to have a good job with health insurance, but as soon as I was approved for FMLA, they “eliminated” my position. Funny thing is, the work I used to do has not been eliminated… they just have someone else doing it. Now I try to do temp jobs whenever one is available, but for the past week and 2 days I have been unemployed. Even while employed, since they are temp jobs I am still uninsured, so all medical expenses are out of pocket.
So here I am, feeling sorry for myself, terrified that when the meds run out this time, I will be stuck in bed and then unable to even find a temp job and then I will lose my house and everything else I had worked so hard for. What the hell am I doing to myself?
I have a tendency to live in the negative. It’s like everything going wrong in my life sticks like a magnet right in front of my eyes and blocks the view of all the good things in life. You would think that the events in my life in the past year would end this useless focus on the negative. My brother’s miraculous recovery from 100% brain damage (not a full recovery, mind you, but he IS alive when top neurosurgeons first predicted death within two days and later said he would be nothing more than a vegetable) should serve as a constant reminder that life is short and precious and that my life really is not bad by far.
I am not unique in my struggle to see the silver lining in every storm cloud. In fact, too many find it impossible to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. It is so easy to get all wrapped up in everything going wrong, but how can we accentuate the positive? Of course, there are always antidepressants to take when times are tough, but with the cost of health care, there are still those who cannot afford to take a happy pill every day. I conducted a Google search for fighting depression and every site so far recommends finding a therapists. Guess what? Therapy costs money too! Considering I am struggling to find the money for my mortgage, how in the hell am I to pay for a therapist? Exercise is another well-documented “antidepressant.” Well, I’ll just increase my consumption of painkillers and jump right on that exercise kick. It sure is a shame that looking for a cure for my depression is causing me to become more depressed.
So, I through the computer across the room (does that count as exercise?) and light up a cigarette (nicotine is a stimulant, maybe an antidepressant as well?) and finally it hit me. I, like many Americans, am searching for a “quick fix” to change my current emotional outlook on life. What I currently lack is perspective. My financial issues are temporary. Even if I lost my house, I doubt my family would let me be homeless. The creditors? Hell, they can’t get blood from a stone, right? My health problems? I am not living in a hospital and I can still walk; so many others can’t say that so why am I complaining? None of these problems represent the end of the world and I shouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself when I could be occupying my time writing papers, reading books, and job hunting. Those things can help me pass the time until these bad times pass. The point is, it WILL pass. Depression can only consume me it I let it.
Behavioralism worked for Pavlov’s dogs and it can work for me. By reminding myself that my current situation is only temporary, I can work on improving my situation without feeling so overwhelmed. What I need to do is keep reminding myself of the GOOD in my life. Everyone has bad times, but they don’t have to dictate our emotions. In the end, we are in charge of how we let things affect us. I’m not saying it’s easy – far from it. It helps me to make a list of all of the good things in my life and to keep rereading that list. This way, I am forcing my brain to see the goodness in life. Once you start counting up all of the small, tiny good things in life, you start to see how quickly they add up. Maybe I have just begun a path towards a depression free life. Well, it’s nice to dream, anyway! I’d call that progress!
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I have been depressed ever since I have existed. It is hard to go on everyday, but you have to try and think positive. Your brother is alive and that is amazing. Just think how I do it helps. "it could be ALOT worse." I used to think my life was so bad and everything sucked then my mom died. I was an idiot I really didn't how bad life could really get. Keep looking forward. Like you said this will pass. Every bad thing that happens is a reminder of how cruel the world is. But it also reminds you that you can change behaviors like thinking positive if you want to and you can pull yourself out of something. I always hope for the best but expect the worse. That way you are neutrol. You don't want to be too overly positive because your hopes can crash and burn then making you more depressed. If you think negative then the same will happen. :) keep your head up!!!
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
one must remember that even the brightest clouds can still bring rain. try to avoid becoming too optimistic, for when hope is crushed it is easy to slip into hopelessness again. that is something that i have had to deal with many times in my life, now i just wait for bad times to pass, i tough it out, and search for funner things to do, more active people to hangout with. usually the darkness does pass.
another thing to keep in mind, is there is always the center of the storm, it could get tough again, but it is good to be steadfast, ready for the coming wind and rain, grab raincoat and someone to tough it out with you. friends will suffer loudly with you when you are down in the dumps, but true friends are there already and will suffer silently with you. good friends will try and cheer you up.
THINK OF THE SOLUTION, NOT THE PROBLEM.
Yours truly,
.demosthenes
My problem is that I push everyone as far away from me as I can when times are rough. I hate bugging my friends with my problems. I'd rather just stay home by myself until things are going good.