" You have the most beautiful smile" he said without even blinking,
I smiled even harder - he continued to talk and I wasn't even listening,
I was caught in the moment - mesmorized by his gentle touch on my face,
I was floating on cloud nine or even in outer space,
" Come here, give me a kiss" he said while pulling my face closer to his,
I couldn't help but wonder what time it is,
He always seems to leave around 9 or 10,
I used to wonder if I was his only girlfriend,
" Oh man - I have to go" he said while looking at his watch,
Just as I thought - 10:27 on the dot,
As he released my face from his hand,
He faded away and then it began,
" Hello, who's this" I answered my phone,
" Look here - you tell Henry to get his butt home",
Same voice I've often heard of this time of night,
No one I recognize - no one in mind,
" Mrs. - you have the wrong number - I know no Henry",
" I know he's there little girl - don't play with me",
I don't know this man she continues to speak of,
There's no way it could be the man I love,
" Honey, that lady's playing on my phone again",
He gave the oddest response " Well, tell her he's on his way then",
" But Yhern - I don't want to feed into this madness",
" It's only way she'll leave you alone Gladys" (click),
How could he know that would end this game,
Maybe I should ask this lady her name,
I'm sure she'll call back anytime now,
I never knew how she got my number and I still wonder how,
" Umm hello - Gladys speaking" I answered my phone still stunned and thinking,
" Look - you leave Henry alone, I'm tired of him sneaking",
" Excuse me Mrs. - what's your name?",
" The names Navetta - Navetta James",
Ok - so I'm now confused - that's Yhern's last name,
" Well Mrs. - my boyfriends name is Yhern James"
" Silly silly girl - so naive about things, spell his name for me sweetheart please"
" Uhh - Y- H- E- R- N",
" Henry scrambled dear - he has a wife and kids"
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May I make a suggestion? Add this to your facebook or myspace site, this is not for progressive u.
I disagree. I think it's kind of original.
Fine... :P
It is a good short story or part of a story.
I think it could use some commentary about why people cheat on their spouses or whatever, that would probably make it fit here more.
I think I can agree with that. Some commentary would be a plus, and fit more into the "Progressive" ideals.
I could have sworn that Progressive was a place to express yourself. The poem was expressive, and I thought it was good. It doesnt need any commentary. Anyone who doesnt get it should take an English class.
There are 10 types of people in the world; Those who know binary and those who don't
*sigh*
Just word vomiting onto the page doesn't really cut it. Granted, this isn't exactly "word vomit" it's much more high class than that, but without commentary discussing what the author is trying to get across, maybe some statistics or facts behind the issue, and most importantly (!!!) what we can do to make a difference and change things... no, this blog really isn't Progressive. It's merely a sad story that sparks interest but no suggestions on how to improve and make real people experiencing these issues' lives better.
word vomiting? Interesting choice of words....I like it, lol. New phrase to be added to memory.
Why thank you.
That would be trademarked to Katie W. Thank-You-Very-Much. (You can use it as often as you wish: Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.)
: )
How can you tell someone that they arn't quite 'cutting it'. I would prefer something, such as this work, over the ranting that will follow.
I'm pretty sure that somewere on the site it sad, be expressive. Thats what makes it progressive, being heard, even if its not about abortion, cheating, divorce rates or anything else that people go on and on about.
There are 10 types of people in the world; Those who know binary and those who don't
Please use the reply button.
We are not discouraging this user in any way. Actually, I see quite a few compliments here. Usually people would not respond at all; so all of these comments are quite a compliment. I also see constructive criticism in an attempt to help this user succeed on ProU by obtaining more interest and reads from other users.
Please try and understand the difference between driving someone away and constructive criticism in order to meet the purpose of the site. This is not a creative writing website; but in my opinion creative writing like this blog can still have a purpose here as long as it's done right.
"Progressive U forces you to think. Writing a good blog post forces you to think. Reading opinions or ideas of others who think differently than you forces you to think. Pointing out inconsistencies or extending the arguments of others forces you to think."
http://www.progressiveu.org/about
Progressive Values:
http://www.progressiveu.org/progressive_definition
It's a little bit difficult to think about or discuss a topic that has no point beyond, "Wow that sad, he was cheating on his family."; something everyone here agrees on. How about, "I came up with this story, to make the point that we need to be tougher on adulterers and they should get the death penalty for tearing apart families." That is what ProgressiveU is about; creating discussion, disagreement, suggesting change (!!!), and maybe even wrecking havoc on the minds of others.
And just because other users sink to the level of ranting and raving, doesn't mean articulate author like this user have to. Don't encourage someone to go down, help them rise up.
I don't think that there is much to say behind this. I mean it's basically just a story that is pretty much explanitory.
We are working on developing some things for creative writing; probably next semester it will start. SO save this; I'll even leave it online for you...just in case you'll want to transfer it to that new area when I'm able to get it implemented ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence,
A-Team Member
... Constructive criticism hahn? I'll have to disagree.
Why???
Well, it's pretty simple, you can't base constructive critism off of your own opinion.
And from the information you posted above
""" That is what ProgressiveU is about; creating discussion, disagreement, suggesting change (!!!), and maybe even wrecking havoc on the minds of others. """
I think this fits. Thank you.
The quote "That is what ProgressiveU is about; creating discussion, disagreement, suggesting change (!!!), and maybe even wrecking havoc on the minds of others" is not an opinion...
All of the advice here has been constructive so far. Everyone said this is a good piece. I agree, it is very creative. But I also agree that this site is based on progressive principles, and simply writing a good creative piece isn't progressive on it's own. That would be like me posting about the protests in my city and only telling what happened, not why or how or what I think about it.
It's just not progressive if you don't make the point you're trying to prove.
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Alicia
http://progressiveu.org/143541-how-to-survive-the-2008-elections
I'll apologize for the fact that you didn't understand that I was using the quote to say that this peice does qualify for ProgressiveU. The opinion I was speaking on is this one
""" Just word vomiting onto the page doesn't really cut it. """
And I accept.
You took it out of context.
I feel no need to apologize, nor will I.
Also, please use the reply button to conserve the flow of conversation. Thank you.
Well, because the comment wasn't directed to you. I guess you shouldn't feel the need to apologize.
You lack of communication skills is irritating me. I don't understand whether you are being sarcastic, insulting, or are just plain incapable of communicating well.
Either explain more clearly, or drop the issue.
And use the damn reply button.
.......*** ... Clearly your angry, so maybe we should drop the issue. ...... You cursed at me. ...***...
And since I fail to communicate well, this message is for engkatiemarie.
***Some content has been edited. Fanaile Essence, November 10, 2007.