Emotional

Fck

here I am

up all late

with so much shit on my mind

and writing is all i have

Im so in love with someone and I don't know if she is ever going to be right for me

Like, what do you do when potential is not enough?

She has all the potential in the fckin world to make me happy

Without a second thought, if she calls me up and tells me she wants to be with me, I'm hers

But yet she still doesn't think that she's ready

It scares me sometimes

Because, how long does it take for a person to know whether or not she can love someone right?

If she knows that she can't then why does she keep me waiting

and if she knows that she can, then why deosn't she just do it?

I'm so impatient and I hate to wait on things

But the more I think about it

The more I have to convince myself that it is worth the wait

That all our damn dreams and shit

That all that can become a reality

That one day I am going to have her children

and that one day we are going to have our own place

I know that shit will never be perfect

But in my mind, I fabricate this near-perfection that we can accomplish

There are always going to be arguments

and that's how you build a real relationship

i feel like I have showed her all of my faults

and that she has seen all of my flaws

and at times I fear that I am far to imperfect for her to love

And that that's the reason why it is taking so long

She is working so hard on becoming perfection for me

Someone who is perfectly flawed in every aspect of life

It scares me shitless that we are never going to see years with each other

That in a few months she, we might be a vague memory

People have years together and we have months

And yet things are probably so much more complicated

I push her away at times

Because I'm now afraid to let her get any closer

I've let her touch my soul and grasp hold of my heart

And now I feel like I have exposed too much

My insecurities pushed her to seek attention elsewhere

And I started to feel like I needed to be perfect

Only making myself less of a person

And that shit hurt like hell

How do I know, honestly, that my insecurities won't get the best of me

And that she won't do it again?

My insecurities have deepened and grew far worse than I ever imagined them being

Because now, I want to be so perfect more than ever

So that she won't have to try so hard

And I will be enough

I'm not enough and I know that I'm not

My inadequacies push her away

I'm inadequate in the sense that I'm not some cocky bitch

I don't have self-confidence

When I look in the mirror, most times I want to gag

And who would want to awaken every morning to someone who doesn't ever feel beautiful

I feel like if we do make it years from now

That my lack of having a self-esteem at all

Is going to push her away until she finds someone with a self-esteem and who thinks of herself highly

I'm just afraid right now

Even more so because I feel like I'm losing my confidante

I call on her for ALMOST everything

and it has gotten to the point that I'm afraid to talk to her

I'm afraid to show my humanity and show her that I have emotions

Like I'm back at square one where I want her to think that shit with me is perfect

And that I don't have a care in the world

I want to get on the fucking computer

And make this image for myself

And tell the world my problems and hope that she reads it so that I won't have to tell her

I don't know how to talk to her anymore

Because she is so unsure right now

And I'm afraid that when she is sure

The only thing she is going to be sure of is the fact that she doesn't want to be with me

I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally preparing myself

For her to ring my doorbell

Leave my heart on the step

With a note attached

Reading "Sorry I can't do it"

Maybe I do make things more complicated and complex than they have to be

But I only do it so I can see if she can handle it when it gets that bad

And she can't

And that's why she doesn't think that she's ready

And I don't know if I'm ready for her to be ready

Because I'm not right for her

Hell, I'm not right for anyone

First true love and this shit is fcking me up in so many ways

And the more people that I talk to

And flirt with

The more I feel like I'm not right for anyone

I'm not right for them because I'm using them to keep my mind off of her

And I'm not right for her

Because I need her

And I'm not supposed to need anyone

I shouldn't depend on anyone

And one day she's going to tell me that not only does she not need me

But she doesn't want me