[[take a deep breath]]
I have to keep telling myself that
and i have to tell myself
[[breath out slowly]]
because if i dont
i feel like i am going to pass out
take this fork
and carve some foreign language
into my heart
because no one knows my sorrows
i can sit and tell you
for days and days
of every event of my life
but you're biased to your own life
and your own experiences
until you have lived my life
you cant tell me
whether im strong or weak
im broken
and i ask you not to fix me
because you cannot
many have tried
and they have all failed
you see this smile
and you assume that im whole
i come from a broken home
do you know that that means?
no mommy and daddy didnt get a divorce
let me break it down in laymens:
i was born out of wedlock to a teenage couple that planned to have me and conceived of me in a hallway on november night or afternoon in newark, new jersey. my mother, although alive now, died giving birth to me because her petite figure couldnt push out a child, so there was an emergency c-section performed to ensure my own life. my mother cheated on my father and up and left one night with me and my younger brother and brought us to North Carolina, she left, he didn't. he came and tried to live with us for the sake of his children but my mother's constant lies and infedility pushed him away and he left and went back to new jersey. my father passed when i was 7 years old, so there werent many memories that i had of him because at the age of 4 a child barely remembers anything, and after that age until his death all i had was summers with my father; 3 summers. my mother went from man to man throughout her life. i saw her have sex with men before i even understood the concept of sex or knew what a porno was and i feel that those images have pushed me to the sexual being that i am; my electra (or is it elexa?) complect was all fucked up from like the age of 5 so forgive me if i come off as kinky, im just a little fucked up in the head is all. time progressed and i realized that my mothers dependency on male affection had rubbed off on me but i didnt look for male affection because i liked it, it was because it was given to me and i needed the attention at that point in my life even though male affection sickened me to some extent.
lets skip ahead
i graduated at 16 years of age...that was nearly a year ago. so yes i am 17 years old and proud of it. my mother found out that i was into females about 4 months before i graduated and wanted to stop me from going on a path of destruction. her of all people wanted me to now be destroyed, whereas she was sleeping in the same bed with a man that she took from his wife and 3 kids (does that sentence make sense?). now she is married, in a miserable marriage with a bi-polar man that is old enough to be her father; he graduated high school the year she was born. im glad to be out of the house but when i come back its like the devil has taken this famil by force and is slowly destorying everyone. my mother was hospitilized today for an anxiety attack at work. my brother, 15 years old, was beating on some girl today. my sisters, i have 2, father was just released from prison on wednsday. Hell has officially entered this home. its not my home though.
i dont have anywhere to escape because my constant mood swings and psychological problems have pushed many of my friends out of my life. I blog on this shit because i just need to relieve some stress. you probably still dont understand what my fuckin problem is because this stupid shit only lets me type 5000 characters and im running short and i can type a whole fucking book on my shit, which i might be doing soon, so look for that shit... its going to be called "FAILED ATTEMPTS TO PURGE." Nice title right? I wanna see how many bitches try and steal that shit.
yeah... my words never run low
my patience for typing my life has
like a brick through a thin glass widow
i am broken
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