"If I was thin, I'd be happy. If I could just lose 10 pounds" I've found diaries of mine from when I was 11 years old, telling myself not to eat dinner. Journals filled with lists ot how many 'bad' things I ate. How many crunches I should be doing. And looking back, it breaks my heart.
But still, nothing has changed. I'm the same way I was 6 years ago. I struggle everyday with my self-esteem about my appearance. And the ironic part is, I'm not actually heavy. I could use a little exercise, but overall I'm just average. I'm almost 5'3'' and weigh 130 pounds. Thats not exactly fat. And I'm a swimmer, so I've got pretty built muscles.
But still, whenever I look at someone, I compare them to myself. I notice all the little things, and put myself down. but it seems as if I'm 2 different people. I dont want my friends to know I'm self-conscious. Just last night, we bought cookies to celebrate a girls night in. Guess who ended up eating practically all of them? Thats right. Me.
I can't stop myself. I try, I just don't know why I cant do it. And I honestly know a lot about health. I can give advice to anyone who asks about the correct way to exercise or why diets dont work. But I never take my own advice. I'm not anorexic, I'm too weak for that. Or maybe too strong, depending on how you look at it. Is there a diagnosis called mental anorexia? Because if so, I have it.
Its an obsession, but I dont ever do anything about it. I play sports and I eat healthy for the most part. But after a while, I give up. I'm breaking down, and I want help.
How can I actualy get in shape and get on the right track?
What you probably have is an ED-NOS, eating disorder not otherwise specified. What you describe is not healthy or normal eating. I think what has happened to you is that you are now, after so many years of obsessing over weight and food, completely out of touch with your body, hunger, and what it needs. Meeting with a nutritionist or dietician might help you a lot. They will probably help you get on a balanced meal plan, and you would have to spend a considerable amount of time on planning and following it, but it would help you rebalance your metabolism and your mental status around food.
See, the cycle of deprivation and binging is natural, if you are denying your body what it needs. You have to be certain that you are giving your body enough fuel every single day, or it tries to compensate whenever it gets a chance. Eating healthy is good, but it is very important to give yourself a few treats now and then, so you don't have that "oh well, I ate a cookie; the day's ruined so I might as well eat them all" feeling.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman