She's to Young to Die.

The trunk of the car slams closed, and my silent enraged friend continues his way into the drivers seat of the little white vehicle. "What’s wrong" I asked. Several times I received no answer. The more silence there was the more the tension continued to fester, finally it came out. Everything I thought I was ready to hear , echoed in the car, in the halls, in every class, in my head all day. I thought I could handle it, but the truth is with the two hours of sleep I received last night, I was in no shape to begin to hear that three months ago a close friend of mine was diagnosed with terminal cancer... and had only but six months left.

At first I was like wait did I hear that right and then it hit me. At twenty years old, just starting to truly begin her life, it was slowly being taken from her.

" What do you mean. wait... how did you find this out?" I asked.
" Laura* called me at 5am this morning screaming into the phone to come to the hotel she was staying at."
" When did she find out! how long did she know. what kind of cancer. how long....?!!!"

I continued to spit out questions quicker than he could answer them.

" She found out three months ago. it started as breast cancer, but due to the prolonged doctors visits and ignoring it, it spread. at least I think that’s about right. I just knw that they told her there’s about another six months, and she hasn’t told her parents yet.."

I couldn't even think of the words to say. I was confused, angry, sad, hurt, everything. I still am. I was so in shock that after having all the emotions mixed into one and trying not to show an emotion by the time I got into school, I had sent myself into a raging panic attack. All I can remember is hyperventilating, and being dizzy, and light headed. People kind of just stood there, unattentive. My friend gave me money to go buy a vault, and that calmed me down a little bit, but I couldn’t think of anything but my friend. why her. She’s to young to be dying is all I could think. She hasn’t even seen some of the best things life had to offer. I’ve been trying to call her all day, but for what exactly I don’t know... to confirm what I already know? I had no idea what I would say but I felt; and still feel, like I should get in touch with her. I couldn’t stop shaking for most of the day, and I could tell anybody what was going on.

On top of worrying about my friends I found out about the rest of last nights drama as well. so on top of thinking about Laura* I had to also share my attention to that fact that last night after my friend Caleb* broke up with his fiancé, he made a suicide attempt, an attempt to slit his wrist and OD on perkasets.

I want to comfort him but I just don’t know how anymore. I don’t know how to say everything is going to be okay to someone else when I don’t believe that for a minute.

"Why my friend, why does it have to be my friend dying of cancer?! ", was all I could say to my mom. She said "everything’s planned out. God has everything under control. Its her time. If it wasn’t her, it'd be someone else. Someone who'd be sitting on the phone with their mother asking them what your asking me."

I cant comfort Caleb* and tell him that everything is going to be better because just like me he wouldn’t understand or believe that. he's been through one failed marriage, or maybe it was two, already and this one is over before its even begun. Not that that justifies a suicide attempt, but I don’t think I can comfort him.

As for Laura*, just thinking about it makes me want to cry, to scream, to punch things. for the first time in almost two years I’ve considered retreating back to old habits. by old habits I mean "cutting". I feel depressed, and confused, and as much as I wish to speak to friends and have things be better, I don’t. They cant be better. I feel lost, in a state, that doesn’t seem to have an end.

I’ve been through a death due to cancer. My grandfather was holding my hand the moment that lung cancer decided to steal his life, but somehow this feels different. It could be that my grandfather got to experience what Laura* isn’t. It could be that he was older. There could be tons of reasons.

I used religion, faith in God, to get through it. I held on to the thought that he was going to a better place and that he would finally be out of pain, and that it would be better for him. That hopefully he died happy.

My mom said I should pray, pray for my friend, pray for myself. but I don’t want to. I cant comprehend that something so horrible could happen to someone so young. I’m just not ready to except it yet.

To anyone who is suffering or knows someone who is suffering I hope you can get through it. I hope you are able to understand and be there for someone who needs it.

Right now the only thing I think I have the strength to do is think and understand myself.

* names have been substituted