When I was younger I always seeked for a mans approval. As I've learned this does nothing but get you in trouble. My first boyfriend was 17 when I was 14 and he was nice and went to church ( a good christian boy) I really thought that this would be a great start to forever.
Well a great start to a year that felt like forever anyway. He and I were very young and I was very naive. I wanted him to like me and so we took it slow. We started off just going to church and hanging out at each others houses with our parents there and it was a blast for about 6 months then it was strange. My brother asked me to go to my boyfriends brothers house to play some video games. Hell yeah tomboy. Well my boyfriend was there and I thought well I get the best of both worlds. NOT. I soon found out what this guy was really like.
He took me aside and yelled at me for going there, I did not ask for his permission and it was wrong of me. I was not used to this kind od behavior I answered to my parents noone else. Well I figured I just stepped on a sore spot or something, whatever I'll let it go. Then soon after that he didn't want to go to church anymore, he just wanted me to come over because now he said he didn't like my parents. Well as sad as it sounds I continued to see him. Shortyly after that I was diagnosed with cancer and he told me he was in love with me. It felt great I was in a time of need and it was a cushion. I thought that this would help things but it only got worse.
After that it was I don't want you to go to church there is a guy who is talking to you, or I don't want you to talk to your dad he is trying to tell you to go to church, your friends shouldn't be important to you I am the one who is important. I didn't know what to do. But for some reason I never told my mom what was really going on. We never had sex or any physical contact really. But one day he thought it was ok to try to have sex with another girl. I found out about it and after 1 year of all this shit I finally said I'm done.
2 weeks later he comes to my hjouse to ask me for his key back. it was kind of a thing. Well is said I would look for it and get back to him. He asked me if he could come over that night to have a fire and we would talk. So I said yes and he came over reall late, he had already been drinking, which I didn't know he did, and he tried to get back together with me. Well we started seeing eachother on and off for the next year and I slowly found out his lies.
This boy was an alcholic, Smoked and covered it up, did cocaine,(had no clue) slept with many girls when we were together but wouldn't even touch me, pot was his favorite, and God only knows what else. But the worse of all is I didn't know any of this until that night. The night that I was raped.
He was supposed to pick me up at 8, which turned out to be midnight, where we went to the local bar just to go bowling. We started to bowl as he tried many times over to undress me. I knew he was already drunk I could smell it all over him. He finally got agressive and threw me up against the wall holding my hands so I couldn't move. He said I knew why you won't have sex with me. You have an STD. He thought I wouold have sex with him just to prove I didn't. He was kind of stupid. Well I got pissed took his keys and his belongings and walked out the door told him to pay and meet me out there. I got out there about the same time he did after putting on my shoes. And he took the keys from me telling me it was his car he drive blah blah blah. I finally got in the car and told him to get in or I would leave without him. He got in and I had to take the back roads. ( I just started to drive around this time) He then grabbed my hands from the wheel and said I want to die with you right here. I screamed and got back one of my hands. He started to feel me up as I drove I couldn't do much about it with one hand but I got to his house and was going to drop him off.
He told me I needed to get out of the car and come get something that was minbe so I got out and he took me to the ground. He held me down and said it felt good to have power. He said he liked it. I told him that he was a drunk and it would be the last time he would ever see me. He said he better make it good then. And so he pretty much tore off my clothes and had his way with me right next to the street in the grass. The whole time he said you know I love you. I really love you. I just cried and finally it was over. I got in the car crying, as I drove to my house, I told him he could die for all I cared and said he had to drive himself home.
The next morning he called and he said he could remember what happened at all. ( which was a lie) but he said he was sorry if he mistreated me in anyway, I said don't worry about it and I had to go. Over a year and a half later my mom asked me a question about him and some hoe the situation got brought up. I went to school thinking nothing of it and then a cop calls me. My mom turned him in. I cried and cried I don't even know why. I never wanted to see him again and I had to know because of court.
Well I had to see him and I sat there not saying a word until I was asked to. I was so scared. Then next day his brother tried to run me off the road. I felt unsafe everywhere. I broke down and could leave my house for a week and I didn't even feel safe there. I had multiple panic attacks because of this and there is still more to come. The trial just started 2 months ago.
I'm so sorry to hear about your expearience. I can't say I haven't been through the same thing - and worse. All I can say is that it's not the time to be a nice lil church girl. Get urself some protection - a gun, knife . . something u KNOW how to use, see if it's legal to have in ur state or have a good reason for it to be there. I keep a axe handel in my car and one of those alumin baseball bats in my house, whitch I drilled a small hole into and inserted beebees. It's all good and gravy to go to court and get a order for ppl to stay away from u . . yada yada. If they were afraid of going to jail and paying some fines they would have never touched u . . or tried to.
I also know it's easier to hide from ur problems then deal with them - kinda like existing but not liveing. The best advice I have ever seen in my life came from a myspace quote I found the other day.
"Overcome your fear and no one can control you"
I have a love of quotes :D
If u ever feel the need to vent or anything I'm here. I understand, and sometimes it can be hard to find someone who does.
You know it's really hard to find someone one that gives a shit about somethjing that happened to you. It happens all the time whats the big deal right. You sound like a very nice person. I'm glad your are interested. I don't do these to brag or to feel better about myself, I'm just praying the right people will read the message and do what is right. I hated the fact that my mom called the police but I understand if this happened to my child I would be out on a kill lol. Well thank you for everything and keep reading em they might get better. Well you're on my prayer list now just to let you know. God bless you.
Ur right - this happens all the time, but I think ppl see it as "It'll never happen to me, so why worry?"
Who would brag about being raped? UNless they secretly enjoyed it . . . but thats a whole nother subject completly.
Fact of the matter is - is that it helps to talk, talk to everyone, strangers, friends and ppl u overhear talking about the same stuff. It helps u (even if it doesn't seem to at the moment) and it gives ppl a whole new view of the world around them - it might keep them safe or give them the curage to go to the cops later if it ever happens to them.
What we really need is a better form of punishment for these ppl - including a way to prove that their guilty. My father *who we thought was my father but after a DNA found out he wasn't) molested me until I was 5 - but charges were dropped after he was found not to be my father . . . I have been raped many times as an adult - let's just say I used to drink a lot - and I'd wake up with strangers on top of me. What did the cops do? Nothing. It's shameful.
When the cops came to talk to me they were supportive but I'll I have is a restraining order and alot of good that does when you can't prove anything. Plus he doesn't care about jail or anything that does bother him and to a lot of people like that if they can commit an act like that they don't care about much
Ppl who commit rape and other crimes of the like (not talking about the ppl out there who rob for food or out of desperation) have more then one screw lose. What everyone needs to remember is not to become angery at the person who does it or to feel like the person who got raped deserved to be treated that way (for yourself or others . . tho sometimes it's vary tempting) and never should anyone take it as a compliment. Fact of the matter is - is that 1) It's a sickness 2)It's so common it's like knowing someone who does drugs (it's bad yeah, but everyone does it, and who wants the drama?)
At least thats my expearience with people
The only person u can count on is urself, everyone that is there to support u emotionally isn't vary likely to be there to protect u psychially. Plus let's face it, the cops take an hr to get across the street.
Have u taken any classes on self defence? Bought a can of mace? I mean I don know these ppl personally or anything . . but where there is one psycho there r more - they come in flocks, and they sit and stew . . . then 2 yr's later u wonder who's throwing rocks in your windows and stealing ur car overnight. Who is trying to make u think ur insane or makeing u afraid to go home?
Ppl r evil man, and the mental sickness just grows with age. Sexual preditors r everywhere too, it's hard to avoid them.
I was on peej eariler and they talked about finding registered sex offenders on myspace. 12 days and almost 800 offenders. I have 3 liveing across the street from me - I have a tendency to date them . . . big blind spot (why i don date no more) and I've found them through the chruch, in my class and in the dayacre system . . . pedifiles to out and out rapest's.
The world is a scary place, but being afraid and haveing ur back against the wall just isn't worth it. My goal has become to be the preditor's preditor. Does that make any sence?
Fear ME! Vendictive BITCH on the loose!! Mwahahaha
I used to think that the only person I could count on was myself and at times I still happen to believe that it's true. I don't believe that to be true about everyone, I know emotionally peopole are right there to tell you what helps, but then when it comes to people physically helping you depends for each person. If you choose your friends right or have the right family and most of all have God your protection physically will be there. Sometimes I guess we just have to learn on our own.
Not that I know exactly what happened with you, and the emotional tormoil you've had to encounter day after day with what this ass hole did to you, but I do know some what of what you've had to go through. I was molested by a guy a year younger than me on the school bus, and I tried to press charges, but another student said "no that's not what happened." So I was unable to press those charges and they were dropped. A year or two later he was charged with assualt and molesting a girl trying to pull down her pants in school. Guys (and in some cases girls) can be complete and total asses, and are most of the time. Even when the guy says he doesn't want to rush you, he's mainly saying that hoping to use reverse-psychology.
The only thing I can really say is that I hope you have people to be there for you. And as you said you went to church I hope that God and your faith will help you emotionally with all this mess. It's nothing that anyone should have to go through in they're life, and deffiantly not a young lady. I truly hope the best for you! I hope that he does get thrown into jail for many, many, many years and that you are able to grow and find some kind of good in all of this down the road. My prayers will be for you, and I seriously hope the best for you :). If you need to talk to anyone, I am here. I've been known to be a good listener :D God Bless.
*Chels*
Thank you Chels, I appreciate the responses I am getting from this. As a matter of a fact I have a wonderful fiance who wouldn't hurt a fly, I thought I was over this but have recently found out you never are but having a wonderful support system really does help me and most of all God has been the biggest part in my recovery from everything I am going threw. Thank you for your positive remarks and do let me know if something is troubeling you I would be more than happy to put you on my prayer list.
God Bless
~Brit~
It is sad that some people don't really care about others or have any empathy for others. I think that many people often forget that other people have a soul as well. I find it sad that people exploit others, much like my brother did to his old girlfriend... It makes me sad even thinking about it. I just don't understand why people do such awful things. I can feel the burden that you have gone through.
I have had to witness such an event before... and all it brings is bad memories. My half brother did that to his girlfriend in my basement... and I walked in. I was afraid seeing such a thing. It is an awful thing to see... Later I found out he was high when he did it, but that still doesn't dismiss the fact he did that stupid thing.
That's terrible, I know it happened to me and sometimes it feels like just yesterday and sometimes it feels like it was so very long ago. But I tend to push it out of my thoughts but when you are confronted with it so often it becomes even more difficult to do so. No even being high does not make this ok being high does't mean that they don't know what's right from wrong and I'm sure he did it was that when you're high you just don't care. It's sad but it's true. I'm truly very sorry and I hope things go better for you.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. That is horrible and no one deserves to be treated like that. I hope he gets what he deserves and justice is served.
ps. although you did not say anything right away, i applaud you for finally coming out without and telling your mom everything. that takes a lot of courage, especially since you kept it a secret for so long. And speaking from experience once you've tried to bury something in the past, to bring it back up and let it all out is one of the hardest thing anyone can do
tat is so much to go through especially with being sick and all. I will pray for you . I hope you feel better.
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http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tiffany-southall
http://www.progressiveu.org/161923-the-little-you-inside
you know what-i will tell you pretty much what everyone else told you-that your experience was absolutely horrid and NO ONE should ever have to endure that-or be afraid for themselves either. but i also wanted to say how proud of you i am. i'm proud of you because there are so many women who get raped and then dont ever tell anyone (which i think is the worst thing u can do) but u spoke up. and now you are posting your story on here and i cant imagine how many other girls (unfortunately) will read this and get strength enough from your story to speak up about their abuse. you are a wonderful person and i am so very proud of you. i sincerely hope that all works out for you and you can move on with your life. blessed be.
This is something no one in the world should ever have to go through. I know this because I went through it myself. And after years of therapy, I have finally been able to tell a person or two without feeling ashamed. I have never told my parents and doubt if i ever could. It happened when I was 14. I was dating some punk kid who thought it was cool to deal drugs. Well, he ran off with the drugs and money and left me there standing in front of two drunken, doped up, and angry country hicks. I can still remember the smell of them. It is a hard thing to get over. There are so many things that make me think of that night. I will never truly be over it. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Really I am. Mine took place 7 years ago and i still feel the stab of pain from time to time. God, I am so sorry. This really hurts me and tears me up knowing that other people have gone through this and many more will. It is an awful selfish thing to do to someone. It is something that an innocent person ends up paying for with every piece of their being. I am so sorry. My best of luck to you. I hope that jerk rots. I never got my day in court. I hope yours goes well for you.
~"nonviolence is the highest of ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other beings, we are still savages" -Thomas Edison
You are unlucky and so lucky at the same time.
You're still here.
Stick close to the people who truly care about you, like close friends and family...people who knew you before you met this guy.
It's important that you know that no part of what he did to you was your fault.
It's not your fault. You did not do anything to cause what he did to you.
You are not lying, no matter what they say.
You are still beautiful despite what he's done.
In time, you will understand how brave and beautiful you really are.
I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I wish I really had an answer but I don't. protection orders don't work very well. Or at least they didn't for my mom because along time ago before I was born her husband still came into the house and nothing was done. Don't ever think that this is in any way your fault because it is not. I have not been through this kind of experience to that extent so I can't totally relate but I really do hope everything goes well for you. Try not to be afraid everything will come together and work out.
I agree that protection orders are worthless. I was too afraid to take one out on my ex-husband.
I am very sorry for what you had to go through. Statistics say that 1 in every 4 women are raped. It is going to be so difficult for you to have to relive everything for the police and the trial, but you can do it. Just stay strong and hopefully he will serve time in prison for what he has done. Maybe with you pressing charges someone else he may have hurt will step forward as well and his jail sentence will be longer.
Just keep thinking about the day after the trial, when it will all be over and you can start working on your future. That's how I always get through scary times, knowing that it will be over soon.
I also like the idea about learning self defense. You can take some self defense classes and maybe carry some mace.
Good luck with the trial! I know you will do great.