The Long Rambling Writing Dilemma... Answers Encouraged.

I feel that this should come with a whining warning... so... whining and bitching with very little of progressive value included ahead. But please proceed anyway... I could use a little clarity

Since I began writing in earnest a few years ago, people have continually asked me when I'm going to publish. The first year, my answer remained the same. I wasn't going too.

Once when asked why he wrote, Isaac Asimov said "I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die." I came across that quote about a year into my own writing and it was one of those that stuck with me because it says it exactly how I feel it.

Food, water, peace and quiet, shelter, private toilets, and writing. The things in life that I need to survive. I don't write for other people, I write for me. Because I need too. Because I have too. Because if I don't, I'll go insane. When it wakes me up in the middle of the night, I have to get it out. If I don't, I begin to feel a little insane. The longer I remain away, the more insane I feel. Stories clamor around in my head, trying to out yell one another for my attention. "Write, write, write," echoes around in there through the cacophony.

It's truly maddening. And it shows. When I don't write, I not only drive myself insane, I drive my husband, my sister and the boys insane. I talk too much, move around too much, obsess too much. I'm like a crack addict in dire need of a fix torturing oneself by withhold the drug. It's the only thing on my mind. The thing I crave. I tell myself no and want to tear my hair out.

I've learned it's easier to give in to the compulsion and make the time to write than it is to stop feeding the addiction and drive myself and everyone around me mad as a result. So, publishing hasn't ever been on my list of shit to do because it's simply not what want to do. Don't get me wrong, I've published small things before; short stories, a children's book locally, poetry, the like. Which is part of the problem now. I know what a pain in the ass it can become. It's partly because I did that I'm now being badgered.

After that first year though, I caved just to get them to shut up. I agreed that I'd eventually attempt to publish. That wasn't a good enough answer. I spent the next six months being badgered about when I'd attempt it. So... I finally struck a deal with my family and friends. After I've completed six entire manuscripts to my complete and total satisfaction, I promised that I'd give the endless cycle of query letters a go. And in the meantime, I put together a haphazard collection of poetry I'd written over the years to get them to ease up (which didn't work at all as intended).

Those six works are now in various stages of completion and I have to confess, I'm more than a little apprehensive about the prospect. It's not that I mind other people reading what I write. I usually don't mind... just so long as you do so quietly and don't pepper me with questions or demands.

What makes me apprehensive though is the thought that if I publish people will read it. And if they read it, some of them might like it. And if they like it, I'll probably end up with yet other people badgering me to continue publishing. And with those people added to the list of people already badgering me... writing will begin to drive me just as mad as not writing. And of those that don't like it, some will hate it. And if they hate it, they'll find it necessary to write to me to tell me that they hate it. Probably in droves since I'm not that great a writer. And either way ends with me insane.

Publishing adds an entirely new list of worries to an already overflowing list. What if they like it and drive me insane demanding more? What if they hate it and drive me insane demanding my head? And I don't want to add anymore worries to writing. I already obsess over it. Am never satisfied unless it's absolutely perfect (which it never is). Never get enough of it done.

So... what's a girl to do?

Get a pen name of course... and a PO Box that I can not check as I see fit. I never really understood why anyone needed a pen name until the publication horizon was in sight. Now... I'd worship at the feet of whomever invented such an ingenious thing. I'm thinking it's a great thing.

I'm also thinking that if I half ass it for once in my life and self publish... I've done what I promised without having to worry that someone will actually pick it up.

Is that a cop out?
Probably so.

But... I figure it's a lot easier to self publish under a pen name and remain obscure than to risk other people liking what I write and wanting me to do more of it. Or absolutely hating it and writing me angry letters every day of the week in disgust.

My husband thinks I've totally lost my ever loving mind. "Why," he says, "would you not want people to like what you write? Isn't that kinda the point?"

Well no, not really. But... try telling that to him. He likes what I write, I think, because it's the other thing aside from subtitles that he reads (and I'm not being mean, I'm being serious... he doesn't read) and because he married me and therefore probably has to like it.

At any rate, publishing begins to look infinitely easier after attempting that task. He just can't fathom it even though he knows how obsessive I am about peace and quiet and not being bothered by other people.

I'm trying hard to talk myself into keeping the promise but the closer it gets... the more terrified of the possibility I become. A stack of nothing but rejection letters begins to look infinitely more appealing than a single yes.

It makes me wonder though... am I the only one wishing for nothing but rejection letters? Is publishing every writers dream or is it the last thing you'd want for yourself? It's different somehow when it's an entire book with your name on it being sold on a shelf. It's less private, you aren't as able to kind of blend in with the crowd. People will read it. They will have something to say about it. To you. Whether they liked it or not... you will hear it.

Does that intimidate the crap out of anyone else?

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