I have been rather touched by death recently. My ex-boyfriend's mother died almost two months ago, we all just recently found out about a dear friend to many of us has died, and my friend's grandfather passed away earlier this week. Needless to say, this has caused a lot of thought about death and memories in my group of friends recently.
The thing that has been bugging me, though, has been whether or not we should only remember the good times, or if we should remember the faults as well.
While at lunch today with some of my friends, one was describing how her aunt and mother practically idolize their father, even though he was a horrible man (he beat their mother rather severely, apparently). Are they wrong to think about only the good? Are they simply in denial about the bad?
This has held me to think a lot about what I will remember certain people as. My ex's mother, for instance, seemed to never treat him well. That is more likely what I'll personally remember her for than all the good she likely did, because that's what I was exposed to. But my ex--will he remember her for the good, resent her for all the bad, or some combination thereof?
In regards to Kiota, I'll be honest.... I didn't like her. I won't go into why, because that's not important. But I sit here at my computer and read about all these people who loved her, and I wonder if they even saw the same person I did. I mean, I know she had good qualities, but she had just as many bad qualities as well. So, a year from now as we commemorate her death, will everyone see her as the good person those people make her out to be, or will we see that she was human, with faults?
In some ways, I think it's guilt that keeps people from remembering the bad. We may not have liked a person, but few would wish those people dead. We then begin to feel a little guilty for disliking them, even a little, during their lives, and force those memories away, favoring instead the ones that paint the people as true individuals.
This also reminds me of Speaker for the Dead, by Orson Scott Card. Ender was completely willing to tell the entire truth about a person, in order to help the community heal from the death. Remembering the good with the bad helped the people enjoy the life more, understand the motivations of the person more, and forgive them in the long run.
So, should we remember only the good times, or should we remember the good along with the bad?
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I think it's important to remember the good times, but not to forget the bad times either. Becuase the good and bad times are who the person really was. When we idolize them after they've passed and forget what they trully did, then we foget who they actually were to us.
When we idolize them after they've passed and forget what they trully did, then we foget who they actually were to us.
You took the words out of my mouth. When you remember only the good about a person, you're not remembering who they were; you're remembering who you wanted them to be.
I think, in the beginning of mourning, you want to remember the good times only, because it makes you feel better. It shouldn't be the only thing you remember always, though. As time goes on, you should be able to remember the not so good, and the bad as well, and be ok with knowing that you're remembering truth. It's not insulting their memory at all, it's remembering them as a whole peson, not just the bits and pieces.
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This is a really important topic to me, personally. I've been to so many funerals for friends and family and one thing that always really bothered me was that at so many of those funerals it seemed like it was less about the person and more about the religious beliefs. You would come away from the funeral not really feeling as if you had any closure because it was so rare that life events or the person was mentioned unless it was in some heavenly context.
When my grandfather died, we adamantly refused that sort of service. We wanted it to really BE his service and not a sermon. While the religious things were mentioned because they did have a big place in his life, it became more about him. My family always asks me to write a poem when someone close passes and so following that tradition, I did that and it was read at the funeral. All the grandkids brought things to put into the casket with him and his pastor (who did the sermon) shared the stories about his life, in addition to a video collage of photos of him and the grandkids who were such a big part of his life. And the stories that everyone swapped both at the funeral and during the days leading up to the funeral weren't just the about the good things. Grandpa was, despite that we adored him, human. In the end, being able to address the realities of who he was, his faults along with all the good he did, did more for everyone and in honoring him.
I've become adamant since that when I die, I want people to remember who I was, good and bad and not just the good things. We aren't perfect and it just feels hollow to pretend otherwise simply because someone has died. If they wouldn't have wanted that in life, why would they want that in death?
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~Fallon~
An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't- A. France
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Remember everything. When some more time passes you won't mind all the bad because you'll realize you not liking her doesn't mean that she wasn't a good person.
I wonder if they even saw the same person I did
Of course we did. But all people have different eyes.
This topic makes me think of something I heard red say on that 70's show, "When I die, I wanna be buried face down so everyone i didn't like can kiss my ass." Don't feel bad about not liking someone who has died, because that person probably still doesn't like you.
“I hope the departure is joyful and I hope never to return.” - Frida Kahlo
I'm gonna betch slap the dumb outta you
Are they wrong to think about only the good? Are they simply in denial about the bad?
I don't think it's shameful to define reality incorrectly, but I don't think you can move forward honestly without taking the good with the bad. Great blog. Very stimulating. I hope some swell nuances are in your future to combat such death!
The Once-ler: Well, what do you want? I should shut down my factory, fire a hundred-thousand workers? Is that good economics, is that sound for the country?
I wonder about this, too. People think I'm mean because I don't love my parents. I usually hear "But what about the good times?", but I think that I learned enough about them from the bad ones to know that I don't love them. Others tell me to fogive and forget, but after a certain point that becomes foolish. I think we should remember in order to avoid the bad situations in the future.
F*** Religion. Read more here:
http://www.progressiveu.org/020528-f-religion
I'm glad it got bumped up, because I think about this all the time. I hate how it becomes sacrilege to talk about the deceased's negative attributes or actions, even though the negatives were as much a part of who they were as the positives. I see this all the time with my brother and my cousin. I'm even guilty of it sometimes. But we learn from negative interactions with others, and if we forget the negatives, we forget the lessons we learned.
Also, not to be glib about such a serious subject, but for the past several minutes I've had the Facts of Life song in my head: "You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have The Fact of Life...The Facts of Life...There's a time you gotta go and show you're growin' now, you know about..." I could go on, but I won't.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman