Sexual Abuse Response

I recently read a blog about sexual abuse, encouraging people who have this sort of experience to share.

You can see Meaghan's Blog here:

http://www.progressiveu.org/183829-spreading-awareness-for-sexual-abuse-...

When I was seven, my parents divorced. After about a year, my mother found a boyfriend she liked well enough to introduce to us. Within what I remember as a very short period of time, he began sleeping at our house. One day my mom had to run some sort of errand, so I was left alone at the house with him.

He had me take a shower with him first. He "helped me" wash myself. Then he asked if I wanted to watch TV with him. So we crawled into my mom's bed and he put a tape in the VCR. The name of the tape was "I Do Windows, Too." Porn. He chose not to dress before getting into the bed. I had put on my nightgown, the one that matched the nightgown that my cabbage patch doll was wearing. He asked me if what the people on the video were doing looked like fun. He told me that I didn't have to wear my nightgown. He started to pull on the edge of my nightgown. Then the headlights to my mom's car pulled into the driveway. He sat me up and told me that this was "our secret" and that I shouldn't tell anyone about it. Then he got dressed. I didn't tell anyone. It didn't stop.

My mom seemed really happy with him. I just wanted to see her happy. So I didn't tell her about the "driving lessons" or the things he told me about their sex life. I didn't tell her why I threw "temper tantrums" when I didn't want to stay home alone with him. I didn't know why I had so many nightmares.

I finally told my mom when I was eleven. By then my mother was convinced that I was a hypochondriac. I constantly complained of stomach aches and not feeling "good." That morning I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I told her I didn't feel well, but she didn't think I was sick. She told me I could stay home. Alone. With him. I begged her to take me to work with her, but she said no. I told her I was feeling well enough to go to school, that I wanted to go to school. She told me that she couldn't take me to school now because I had wasted enough time that she was already going to be late. What happened ruined Bugs Bunny cartoons for me. That night when my mom tucked me into bed, I told her.

My mother kicked him out and put me in counselling. It didn't go well and it didn't last long. I went to court and testified before a jury. Several people in the jury were parents to my friends at school. Most of my friends were told not to talk to me after word of what happened got out. Not long after that we moved and he went with us.

When I was 14, my mother married the same man. That year my mother took me to the gynaecologist. It seemed like I was going to the doctor every month for a yeast infection. My mom thought I might be having sex with someone. She even asked me if I was pregnant. I had no friends my age, and I had never kissed a boy. The doctor asked her to leave the room. She asked me what I was worried about. She asked me if anyone was making me do anything I didn't want to do. I refused to answer her. She called my mother back into the room and told her to take me to counselling and that I likely had stomach ulcers. She gave us a prescription for the yeast infection and left, rather in a huff.

When I was 16, he tried to blackmail me into having sex with him using a car and social interactions with my friends. He even gave me alcohol, perhaps to remove my "inhibitions" regarding my "end of the bargain." You see, because he was fixing my car and taking me to the fair with my friends, I "owed him." My car was never finished. I refused.

By this time, I was quite disturbed. I couldn't sleep without nightmares. My stomach always hurt. I picked up strange eating habits. I spent days on end hiding in corners reading books. When the things in my mind kept me from reading, I would pace. From window to window, panting. It annoyed my mom. Usually she would tell me to go outside if I was pacing and she was around. I started sneaking into their room at night, staring at them while they were sleeping. I would just stand there, silent on the outside, but the screams inside were crippling. I wanted it to end. She woke up one night and gasped. When she did he woke up too. I didn't say anything. As soon as I made eye contact with him, I moved very slowly, very softly into the shadows. I never did anything to hurt them. I thought it was my fault. I thought i was the one who was causing the problems.

I tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Then I went to a collge program for rising seniors. I met people my I age that I could understand. I met people who made me promise never to hurt myself again. I still did not sleep, but I started eating. When I was 17 I moved out. The mental abuse has never stopped. Not for me, my siblings, or my mother. I checked on the Sex Offenders websites, he isn't listed on any of them. I called to ask for him to be registered. They told me that he had to register himself.

If you are raped or abused, even if it's something small, report it. As soon as it happens. Even if it is something small, it can get worse. Just living with yourself knowing you did nothing is hard. You have to reach out. It doesn't mean you are weak. It doesn't mean you are bad or cruel. Do not be ashamed. Do not tolerate ANY advance that you do not want. No matter who it is.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network can give you information about what to do if you are a victim.

http://www.rainn.org

You can also call their hot line: 1.800.656.HOPE

You are not alone. You did not deserve it. It's not your fault. Don't punish yourself. Don't be ashamed to cry. Don't be afraid to ask for help.