So we are studying attachment disorders and failure to thrive and other unfortunate things that go wrong when babies don't attach well because the mom has issues: be it drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse, regular abuse, attachment issues herself, lack of support, being a single parent, whatever. And more and more, midwifery school is forcing me to realize my own fucked-up-ness; the lack of attachment I feel to my own, wierd, fucked-up family, the emotional abuse, the neglect and all the other tramatic things that have happened to me, including the things I've let so-called boyfriends do to me in order to feel "loved."
Looking at those things is super-painful; more often then not, I leave school crying. This does not mean Birthingway is not a good place for me to be; on the contrary; I've never dug so deep into my soul before and I feel that this is very healthy and useful for me; believe me, I've had a pretty fucked up past; even by American standards. And Americans have pretty high standards when it comes to fucking up their kids; we lead the world at producing sociopaths, attachment disorders, schitophrenia and many other disorders which I think can be partially blamed on our lack of loving parenting; our dependance on so-called "container parenting." Container parenting means we have specilized containers to keep our babies isolated and contained; cribs, cradles, playpens, bouncies, carriers, car seats, strollers, buggies, walkers, etc, ect....
We do not hold our kids nearly enough; we do not breastfeed nearly enough, we do not stare lovingly into our babies eyes enough and stroke their hair; we do not encourage small kids to sit in our laps, we don't cuddle, we don't snuggle, we are, (overall,) a cold and distant culture.
As adults, we certainly don't get enough "lovin" either; they say we need 13 or so loving touches a day to stay healthy; do any of us get that? So we have a culture of neurotic, needy, longing, lonely, sad, empty, depressed, medicated people, with road rage. And when we go looking for the loving we desire, we often find we have no frame of referance for how to even look for a relationship; so fucked up was our childhood....
I am having a great deal of trouble with this at the moment; I've relyed on the internet and alcohol to find men to fuck; but instead of filling my empty heart, my heart has become emptier and emptier, and now, I'm afraid to even venture out on that limb and ask the boy at the coffeeshop I frequent with the cute little bun of dreds on his head out...I'm thinking; yeah, he'll probably go on a few dates with me, fuck me and then say "see ya later..." like many other men I've picked up...as a culture, we have no idea how to have sustainable, lasting relationships...
Love ya,
Carrot
American culture leads everyone to develope personal space bubbles a mile wide. Some of my friends refuse to let anyone touch them and you have to ask for a formal invitation to touch their arms.
I am a creature of physical contact. We did a test in my sociology class, and it's my "language of love." Basically it means that touch imparts a greater feeling of being loved then any other affectionate thing, like compliments or presents.
An example: my friend Johnny touched me all the time. He would constantly hug me, touch my arm, randomly hold my hand, put his arm around me, etc. It was completely platonic on both sides, but now I think he has a love interest and, so that she doesn't get the wrong idea, he never touches me anymore. He doesn't even hug me back when I initiate contact, which I never had to do before. I've noticed that I'm more depressed and sadder. I miss someone's arms around me, anyone's. My friend Kim is the only one I have a lot of physical contact with, and our schedules mean that we don't see each other, so, no hugs for me. People need to touch each other more, to let people know that they're accepted and safe and loved.
Without feeling loved, people do tend to be angrier, and I'm sure it causes some deep-seated issues. But I think that all people have the capability to heal. I think you should ask out the boy with the dreads. Make sure you hug him.
for my infancy class we read this study this sociologist did where she watched teenagers interacting in McDonalds all over the world. In France, she said you couldn't tell which teens where couples and which where just friends, because they hung out in groups of three and four and all three or four frequently hugged and kissed and touched each other.
In the US, on the contrary, teens also hung out in small groups, but they did not touch; in fact, she noticed they frequently touched themselves (twittled their hair, rubbed hands together, cracked their knuckles, etc.) She feels they had to fill that missing touch that they where not experiencing; so we Americans "fidget" in order to get the touch we need.
In most places around the world, babies share their parents bed until they are a toddler, when they usually go sleep with another sibling or a grandmother or grandfather. So nighttime is another time Americans miss out on vital touch. Wouldn't it be lovely to cuddle with someone you know and trust your entire life? You first cuddle with mom and dad, then siblings, then your own partner...
We are raised as though we where physically isolated from one another...like the little monkeys in Maslows experiement who desperately clung to the wire "momma monkey" because they didn't have anything else to cling too...this is sad, but we wonder why boys in America have X-box and computer addictions and girls desperately seek attention by acting slutty and actually being slutty...we end up with girls like Brittany Spears in this culture; you don't see pop stars in France so desperate for attention...
Love ya,
Carrot
"So we have a culture of neurotic, needy, longing, lonely, sad, empty, depressed, medicated people, with road rage."
Nice turn of phrase! I laughed heartily (which is the English major's version of "lol").
And I think that researcher is so right! Observe a high school classroom when the students are forced to do anything outside of their desks. They become rigid and careful not to brush into each other, nervous, and twitchy. It is painful to watch.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I think that there is such a fear of having one's affections mistaken in America. If you touch someone, that must mean that you're in love with them etc. That and I think that a lot of people in America have a fear of intimacy and committment. And you're right, we're chronic fidgeters. I'm always cracking my knuckles. Hell, I even hug myself sometimes!