WOW.
Drama was a-brewin' today here at the HG. I have come to believe that the new girl is SATAN in human form. LARGE human form, at that. I'm happy to report that her stay at HG lasted for less than 24 hours :-). But I'm getting ahead of myself.
So last night, after NG (new girl) arrived, she sat at the table and proceeded to talk about nothing but how HUNGRY she was. I came down the stairs and said something about a boy, and she looked at me and repeated the boy's name in an excited manner. I thought she was going to ask details about him, but all of a sudden she shouted "I'M SO HUNGRY!!" which lead me to believe she wanted to devour said boy. I decided not to discuss any personal relationships I have in front of her, to protect them from being eaten.
This morning at breakfast, she INSISTED on showing me her brother's myspace. Um, okay. That's fascinating. Please leave me alone now. I felt so bad for Barb and Laura; they had to room with her and they said she snored so loud they couldn't sleep at all. In fact, she ADMITTED yesterday she'd gotten kicked out of 3 (yes, 3) previous treatment centers ON ACCOUNT OF HER SNORING! This fact was totally confirmed during group therapy today, when we did a guided breathing exercise to relax us. Relaxation was the last thing I achieved, however, because of NG WHEEZING next to me. I was scared she was going to have a heart attack. Right when we were at the "peak" of relaxation, she shouts "AH!! CAN I GET ANOTHER CHAIR?!?"
Give me a fucking stroke, why don't you! Holy shit, that scared me. THEN at lunch, she refused to eat a vegetable ("I HATE VEGETABLES!!") and made one of the staff get up and get her some celery. She also was pissed that she didn't get a laminated name tag like the rest of us (yeah, none of us had one our first day, bitch) so she RIPPED UP the one that the staff had made her and said "I'm pissed!" She also heard Aimee and I talking next to her (about how we were scared she was going to attack us), and shouted "What are they talking about??? Are they talking about me???" I was seriously scared for my life.
Laurie came over and went outside to talk with her after lunch, and came back in to inform us that NG was leaving. When NG came back inside, she started shouting "I'm leaving!! I can eat whatever I want!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
I seriously wanted to smack that fat bitch's face and tell her to shut the fuck up. I don't care if you got kicked out, I don't care if you're so ignorant of what you need in terms of recovery you're HAPPY about getting kicked out...don't you dare fucking hinder MY recovery by rejoicing in the binge you're about to indulge in the minute you leave here.
I did my pancake thing today at breakfast. With peanut butter.(And when NG saw what I was eating, she practically drooled and said "THAT LOOKS GOOD!!!!") And felt very liberated after the fact. But then I thought, "Oh, fuck me! I'm getting weighed today!!" So I got weighed at the dietitian and must've made my famous "I'm so fucking annoyed at this" face, because she asked me how I felt about getting weighed.
"Annoyed. And frustrated."
"Why?"
"Because I know my weight's gone up."
"Actually, it hasn't."
SAY WHAT??
"At ALL?"
"Nope," said the dietitian. Then, after giving me that joyous news, she informed me that I have two MANDATORY snacks now (even though I start transition tomorrow...so I basically don't HAVE to do it). She claims my body is still depleted of nutrients blah blah blah.
Speaking of starting transition tomorrow, I have two thoughts on the matter:
1. YEEEAHHH!!! FINALLY!!!
and...
2. FUCK NO!!!
I'm very apprehensive. I'm still unsure about this whole thing. I'll just try to take it slow, be mindful of how I'm feeling, and stick to my meal plan. That second snack pisses me off, though. No me gusta.
We learned today some coping skills of stress. And we have four choices. I don't remember them all off hand, but I do remember the last one was "Stay miserable."
That is so true. Sometimes when I feel like crap, I don't WANT to feel better. Seriously. I'm like "Stop acting happy around me, because I might absorb some of that feeling and I DON'T WANT IT!!! Let me be depressed, dammit." But when I feel this way, I'm not usually so depressed that I feel hopeless or anything.
TODAY IS MY 30 DAYS!!!!! I'm so excited. I want to go to the OA meeting on Saturday (even though I hate them and I technically don't have to go anymore) just to get a little token that says 30 DAYS on it. It will be weird standing up and saying "Hi, I'm Angie, I'm an anorexic/bulimic, and this is my 30 days." (Yes, people actually say these things). I'll feel like a douche, but like a liberated douche at that.
I can't believe that I've gotten 30 days already. And I think "If I can do 30 days in here, I can do it out there." It's also weird to think that I would be leaving now if I didn't decide to do transition. I didn't even know about the transition thing when I came in, so I pictured that at this time I would be leaving. And I can just say I am SO glad I am staying. I am definitely not ready to go out there on my own. Not yet.
I'm still considering my options about next semester. The dietitian suggested I take next semester off and stay in San Diego.
Let's check the scoreboard:
Therapist--Take semester off
Dietitian--Take semester off
Aimee, Megan, and others who have been in the same position--Take the semester off.
Me--Take the semester off.
....but also go back to school.
Shit.
I hate making decisions.
Maybe that's how I ended up here in the first place.
Hmmm.....
HELLO, INDEPENDENCE!!!!! See you tomorrow morning!!
Ugh. Wish me luck.
