More than post a blog that reveals only my feelings on this isssue, I really want to spur to debate. I am really interested in what every single person who reads this has to say. Although I presume that most bloggers on this site are in college and they days of their parents' tyrannical rule were not that long ago, I know there are users who are parents and I trust that most users on this site are without a bias. With that being said, here is my story.
As some of you may have noticed, I have not posted in several days (since Wed). Sometimes I do not post because I am busy for a couple days at a time; but that was not the case. My parents would not let me touch the computer. In fact, I was entirely banished from everything. No, I did not steal a car, lie, etc... My parents have been threatening to kick me out a lot lately. Everytime I do the tiniest thing wrong, the reply is- your skating on thin ice- we are so close to kicking you out. I am 17- I wont be 18 until the end of May, several days after graduation. So, I dont have the ability to just leave without being reported as a runaway. I actually have to get kicked out. Which, until recently, I was trying to avoid. Where the heck would I go? Finally my mother pushed me over the edge- she said if you dont like the rules, why dont you just leave. This was minutes after she had told my boyfriend that she would prefer it if he would get out of our lives (hes 21, and shes a cop, so he doesnt have much choice but to do what she says -she could threaten to slap him with a charge of dating a minor against a parent's will- even though we have been dating for about 8 months already). Telling the one person who had been there for me to stay out of my life, was all I could handle. He has done nothing to her. I dont drink, I dont do drugs, Im obviously pretty involved in school, everything most parents would settle for in a child. My boyfriend is a Christian, kind, responsible, and respectful to her. So, these outbursts are unwarranted and random!
So I left, even told her whose house I was going to. The next day she and my stepdad came out there and got me, brought me home, told me I was not allowed to use the computer, even for school work, not allowed to use the phone, period, not allowed to go anywhere- you get the idea. I was on lock down. The situation is somewhat better now- IE I get to use the computer and I was allowed to go to my school's play last night. But everything else is still the same. Still, how much control should a parent have over their child's life as a teenager? Especially one that is getting ready to graduate. Do other parents do that to their children? Ground them from the computer, even for school work and say too bad, you brought it upon yourself? Do they threaten to use their postion or "job" to hurt people who dont deserve it? And should they be able to? OR do I just have a very disfunctional family? Lol. Please let me know. And dont just comment on what happened with my parents, I am talking about in general. Should parents have complete control over their children's life? How much is too much?
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I think that the control they get shouldn't be entirely dictatorial, but they certainly should be able to control some of the things you do.
If they don't give you any choice, they're really digging their own graves, and setting you up for a not-so-great life. Some parents are like that, and those are the parents that have kids grow up to be bad people.
Just wait until you're 18 and get out of there and oo somewhere else. While nobody is justifying what your parents are doing, it is their right to excercise it.
By the way - I think at the age of 16 you have the right to leave your parents' house. If it really is bad, if I were you, I would seek legal council to take care of this situation. You certainly shouldn't have to deal weith unreasonable caretakers like this.
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If a society is willing to give freedom for temporary security, they deserve neither.
I really think control is brought on in different amounts. Some parents go control hungry, when their kids are actually very good compared to most. Others, on the other hand, do not even try to have as much control, when their kids are the one's who really need the discipline. Control should be moderated at a fair rate. It is unfair how some kids get treated or dont get treated, but its the parents choice. They are the one's who ultimately get to decide. It seems unfair that they abuse their power at times at the expense of childrens happiness if they dont deserve it. Maybe one day they'll realize....
Debatechick, here's an article I think you should read:
http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/19811/
It ties together ideas about parental control with political philosopy, and since you're interested in both, I think you'll find it interesting.
I'll post more substantive comments later today, but I wanted to get you this link before you lose access to your computer again :-)
Lol, if all else fails, I can post at school, but we go on spring break in 3 days. I will just have to play it safe so I do not lose access again, at least until SB is over.
Lol, if all else fails, I can post at school, but we go on spring break in 3 days. I will just have to play it safe so I do not lose access again, at least until SB is over. BTW thanks for the article, it was really intruiging. I liked the idea of framing the debate. Im not sure which category my parents fall into, but Im sure I can guess, lol...
Glad to see you've still got computer access and are actively blogging!
I don't know your parents, but from your description they sound pretty strict. They've probably influenced your outlook on the world. On the other hand, you seem to realize they've gone a bit overboard, hence your liberalness on some issues, such as freedom of speech.
As aaa4-life says, try to work it out. They are confused themselves, that's why they're confusing you. At the same time, you have your own life, and you will need to gradually assert your indepence from them. Good luck.
There is a thin line between control and dictatorship. You have to trust your child to make the right decisions. Your parents went over board and are confusing you. They say they want to to leave- and when you do they panic. Just tell them that threats is not getting them anywhere. There has to be something deeper than the little stuff. Get to the bottom of it. All they are doing is pushing you away.
There should be a limit as to how much control. But a lot of it has to do with trust. Sometimes parents need to trust thier kids a little bit and know that they have taught them well. It's funny how the parents who are ridiculously strict sometimes are the ones with the best kids and it's so sad for the kids to go through so much.
There is something I have been meaning to ask you. What does your screen name mean?
Unfortunately it pretty much comes down to the fact that your parents still fully support you financially. And until that's not the case there's no argument against that fact - they buy your food, clothes, etc. Don't get me wrong - I really feel sympathy for you in this case. I have gone through a lot of stuff with parents myself - they have been emotionally abusive (my mom has screamed at me for hours, telling me everything that she hates about me), really controlling, have made me break promises to friends and coworkers. But even though I am over 18 years old, as long as I can't support myself, I know there isn't much I can do. It's not fair. It's how it is though.
Actually they do not support me at all, they have kicked me out and now I have to pay for it all on my own.
You said that your mom was a cop. Maybe that's a big factor of why they're strict on you. She sees things that go wrong around her and doesn't want her child to do the same. True you may not be doing those things but all mother's worry. Im going to an out of state college in the fall and my mother's freaking out because she hears stories from her work about how all kids do is party and such and now, she's almost banning me from going there. She knows that I'm not going to drink my life off but she's still scared and now she has these rules that don't allow me to hang out with my friends a lot. If i do, she wants to know where i am, when im coming home, who i'm with. Maybe it has to do with us graduating and moving on?
but if she was really worried about me, kicking me out was not the answer. That = I do not care about you at all.
Read my blog "Who votes for this stuff anyway"
Parents have less control than most kids think. But no, you can't leave once you turn 16 unless you want to end up in the foster care system as a run away even if your parents kick you out.
So what did you REALLY do?
As for the boyfriend... check your state's statutes on age of consent. Unless he's in the military, there shouldn't be any laws that she could use to press charges against him for seeing you once you reach the age of consent. IF he is in the armed services the military has it's own guidelines so once he is 21 would not be allowed to date anyone under 18 or could face potential charges.
Karen G
Well I ended up getting kicked out. But my mom signed a parent to parent agreement with a friend of mine's foster mom so that SRS would stay out of it since I Was going to be 18 in two months. My 18th was yeasterday! I am free!
As far as my bf goes, my mom is a cop- so she can make up all kinds of stuff. We had to stop seeing each other while it all cooled down for awhile because he was scared of going to jail and that caused a fight, but we made up, and everything is fine- especailly now that she cannot touch me because i am an adult.
I went through something similar eons ago, except that I was 15 and a year and a half away from graduation, not 17 and so close to graduation.
However, I did leave when my mother said to for not following her rules. Her rules were ludicrous, and I still believe that to this day. For example, I was working full-time at McDonald; since I was also in high school and on various sports and choirs, I was usually closing. My curfew was at 8:30 PM every night. She would come pick me up from work, and then ground me for missing curfew. I mean seriously?
Now, at this time I was living in Connecticut, and you might want to check this out. I left at 15 and got an apartment. I had an older cousin help me sign the lease. At the time, as long as I was sustaining myself, working, and still in school the police could not force me to move back home. The most they could do was come check on me, ask the school for transcripts, and forward a message that my parents were worried. This might have changed, I don't know, it was nearly 15 years ago - but still an option to look into.
However, all that aside, unfortunately, my tune has changed slightly regarding parents' rule over children. I don't believe they should be tyrants, as our mothers appear to be, but if they establish a rule and offer up a reason (not a motivation like "because I said so" but a real reason) then they really should be followed. Even if you're only going along with it out of courtesy to them and plan on changing things around once you turn 18. In many cases they have these rules because they honestly feel that's what's best (I know that sounds horribly cliched, and I'm sorry for that).
Have you tried talking to your mother, without yelling or sounding combative? If so, and you got no where, with it, perhaps it is time you began preparing to leave. Although, I think that if you did your parents would be really hurt (otherwise, why would they have come to get you?)
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"Dream as though you'll live forever, but live as though there's no tomorrow" --James Dean
http://www.progressiveu.org/user/fanaile-drupal-org
I think the parent SHOULD have full contorl over their child untill the child matures enough to be able to make some decisions of their own. Example? Myspace.com! Would you like to know if you're daughter is trying to hook up with some random guy off there or not? Parents NEED TO control thier children to a point untill they leave their homes. But if you're 17, and your parent won't let you even go out with a couple clsoe friends or whatever, won't let you use the phone at all, ect. for no good reason, there is a problem. A parent has to let up some control over the span of their childs life. Otherwise there will be many many problems.
I think parent should have control over minor, because they are responsible for you. I think you parent and you should talk about the situation.
I moved out. And now we dont talk at all. there was no talking to my parents. I was a straight A student who had never done anything wrong, and they verbally and mentally abused me a ll the time. With the help of a friend's foster mom, I moved out a year ago, during my senior year, and went to live with my friend and her foster mom and went to therapy.
Francesca Chambers
omg! i am in the same situation! help tell me what you did