Throughout my life, I've only had one constant, that everything changes. These changes may take place over time or in a quick rush, but a constant whirl of chaotic change nevertheless. Even I seem to change dramatically over the years, but don't they say, 'Everyone changes.' I am known for my constant changes to my whole being. It seems that who I am changes with every stage I enter. I personally believe that it's just the way I take to growing up. I want to experience everything, so I have to be so many different people in one lifetime to make that happen. But the basic fundamentals that make me who I am never change no matter what stage I may be in.
Picture this...I am 25 years old and have three kids. One is my son and I have two step-daughters. I am married to a wonderful woman whom I couldn't picture my life without. I live for my family. They are the center of my universe. They are the reason I have gotten back into school and am going to someday receive my bachelor's degree. They are my motivation to achieving that goal. I want to create a wonderful life for them.
But four years ago....
I was a queen!!!
From the time I was 18 until I was 21 I 'practiced the homosexual lifestyle' (as my wife and I have so lovingly deemed that era of my past). I not only practiced that lifestyle, but it consumed my entire being. I started performing and became a drag queen. As if being gay wasn't a slap in the face to my parents, especially my mom, but I was also a drag queen! I actually heard through the grapevine that my mom told people that her son isn't gay, he just likes to wear women's clothes. That made me smile.
Along with that lifestyle I adapted some very bad habits. I did drugs and crimes that I am ashamed to admit (which is why I won 't in this blog). I was selfish and self-centered. I never cared what was going on in my family's lives. I was the topic of most of my conversations. I would go out in public in drag just to make a scene because I craved the attention. At that point I had developed a sexual identity crisis and believed that I was going to become a woman. I had the surgeries planned. Thank God I was born on the bottom half of the poverty line and never had the money to fund those operations, because I would have regretted it severely in the end. To say the least I was a mess. It was then that I dropped out of college to pursue my dream of being a professional drag queen (did I mention I was on drugs and living in some serious delusions).
But like so many of the stages in my life I sat back and analyzed my life and decided that where I was going wasn't where I wanted to go in my life. At that point I wasn't too sure of where I did want my life to go, but I knew that it wasn't there. So I moved and didn't tell anyone where I moved to. I stopped performing and just worked and hung out with a few select friends that were allowed to know my phone number and where I lived. One of those friends was my current wife. Then she was my best friend of 10 years and she was dating the father of her two daughters. When they broke up somehow we started dating.
Then all Hell broke loose.
My mom was jumping up and down saying I told you so to everyone while my friends (which consisted mostly of women) were furious that they were no longer a fag hag at this fag's side. No one could understand how a gay man could go straight. And of his own volition. I didn't go to a summer program that taught you how to be straight, I just didn't want to be with men anymore. Now some people think that because I was with a woman and was straight now that there was no longer attraction to men and they didn't understand how that would go away. Well it didn't. I'm still attracted to men, but that doesn't mean I want to go into the woods and fraternize with them. My sexual appetite had changed. Personally, I don't know why so many people acted they way they did over my lifestyle change. It's my life and I am going to do what makes me happy, not continue sexual relations with men so my friend's worlds will make sense at the end of the day.
Throughout these last three years I have had to deal with alot from people because I made a decision that bettered the all around quality of my life. And no one is concerned with the fact that I am a happy family-orientated man, or that I no longer use drugs and I'm back in school. No. They're concerned with who I had sex with 4 or 5 years ago. My wife's aunt asked her if she missed being with a real man. As if the only factor that makes a man a man is his sexual orientation. It didn't matter that I was working and supporting two children that weren't mine and still dealing with the drama of my wife's ex who didn't want to come around to be a father to his children, but to try and win back 'his' woman. Or the fact that I was a single man with no strings and nothing to tie me down and I gave all that up to become a domesticated father and husband. And what about the fact that I gave up all drugs, everything, and even quit smoking to be the type of parent I believed I should be. None of that makes me a 'real man.'
In my life I have seen so many types of discrimination and prejudice. We try to teach our children tolerance and acceptance. We take them to the gay pride parade every year. Our kids know that it is okay to be gay, that it's just about love. A man can love a man and a woman can love a woman and that will always be okay. But I keep it a secret that I used to be gay and a drag queen. My wife's oldest daughter was six when we got together, and I've been in her life since she was born as her 'uncle.' My wife and I ask her questions about what she remembers because we're curious if she believes that I used to make clothes for drag queens and do their make-up for them.
It seems that everyone I knew, with the exception of my mom, wanted me to be gay. Even my wife's family preferred me as the homo next door. I've never experienced so much anger and prejudice than I have when I decided to live a straight lifestyle...not even when I came out of the closet!!!!!!
All I want is acceptance.
You don't have to understand any of it to accept it.
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I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you want. I believe in the end you will be a lot happier because you lived to the fullest.
don't let anyone tell you otherwise, they're just jealous.
(because they're boring)
I think you did great and made a wonderful decision for yourself and i a pplaud you on being a great father figure for your children
Thank you. It makes me feel good that people can take a positive message away from blog.
No day but today
-RENT
Thanks for posting this! It takes a lot of courage to admit that you once struggled with same sex attraction and people can be harsh on both sides, you're right.
Sometimes people who leave the homosexual lifestyle are judged and maltreated just as much as homosexuals. I myself have been attracted to other girls and nearly pursued relationships with them but I am currently happily in a relationship with a man I really love. I like that you said the attraction doesn't just go away and you're right, it's something that reoccurs for me personally from time to time, but I honestly love my boyfriend and I wouldn't leave him for somebody else. It really annoys me when people dismiss me as some "repressed lesbian" or something!
I think it's horrible that you were judged by your own family but sometimes they can be the ones that hurt you most.
I'm glad for you that you have a wife and children and you're happy now. God bless you and your family!
Thank you for such a nice comment. It's always nice to know that there is someone out there that is going through the same thing that you are.
No day but today
-RENT
givign up what you wanted or thought you wanted is a great sacrifice no matter what other people think. In my book you are A REAL MAN. How many single mothers do you know that wish they had someone who would love to help them out and take in their kids like they were their own.
http://www.progressiveu.org/user/enter360 Read it.
THANK YOU!!! That's what I've been saying all along. And my wife's comment to her aunt was something along those lines as well. I do love her kids as my own. Most people don't even know they aren't biologically mine until something like that comes up in a conversation. I believe that's the way it should be. I fell in love with my wife, but it's a whole package. She comes with two beautiful girls who I couldn't be happier raising as my own.
No day but today
-RENT
Seems to me that you're bisexual. You wanted to be with men, and now you want to be with a woman. It is your life. Go for it dude.
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If I had had more time I would have written less. -- Thomas Jefferson
RachelSetzer.com
Sexuality is such a complicated thing. When people ask me about it, I usually tell them I'm Brandy-sexual (Brandy is my wife's name). The world would be such a better place if we didn't have labels. I found that my most grief came from the people that I was closest to....my best friends...my, using a label from the gay world, 'fag hags.' But I've had some interesting encounters from people that I knew when I was practicing that lifestyle who only knew me as gay. I've come up with responses when the inevitable question escapes their lips, 'But I thought you were gay.' I usually use, 'I know .I changed my mind,' or 'The heart wants what the heart wants.' or 'You would think that from the way I dressed and acted, but no...I was never gay.' Most of them just laugh it off.
No day but today
-RENT
while it may not be applicable to this post and i know your intention isn't to offend, it is generally respectful not to label someone's sexual identity until they identify themselves to you. In the end, if you don't know someone, putting them into a box isn't important when you're having a conversation or even if you're talking about sexual identity. What's important is how THEY identify and the person may not even feel the need for a label.
a lot of people (and this is me speaking from my general knowledge and not about the author) have issues with labels and words such as "bisexual" because these words may be too constraining. when most people use the word bisexual, they reinforce the idea that there are only men and women in a strict, rigid dichotomy, whereas gender isn't necessarily something that is fixed (for example with genderqueer, agender, genderfuck, etc). additionally, the word "bisexual" is pretty loaded. you and i may think bisexual people are just people, but bisexuality can be looked down upon in many communities. a lot of people assume that bisexual people are "confused" or "doing it for attention" and also have been historically considered "traitors" in the early lesbian movement. regardless of a person's own opinion on the word bisexual, some peopl do not want to be associated with those assumptions and would prefer to not identify as bisexual.
I've never been one to worry about other people's assumptions. They don't bother me because I know what's true in my heart...and in my pants ;) I don't believe in labels myself, but some people are pretty uncomfortable trying to figure certain things out about sexuality, so labels help them understand and I'm all about promoting understanding. That's why I usually tell everyone that I'm Brandy-sexual (Brandy is my wife). That tends to help people understand and feel comfortable with me and my situation.
No day but today
-RENT
We're all very proud of you. Winning the struggle against your...ah..same-sex attractions. Yes, very proud. You should right a book. Really. I think you could make a lot of money off that.
All sarcasm aside. What point were you trying to make with this? As far as I can tell the only "ex-gays" that are discriminated against are the one's who have made a career out of demonizing gays. The "ex-gay " for pay group. You, who have moved on to a different life and wish only to be left only are not the hated enemy...
Of course the way you talk about the "gay lifestyle" seems kind of suspect. And the way you equate being gay with dressing in drag and doing drugs sounds a little..questionable. But what do I know. I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that gay people are, as a whole, drugged up drag queens.
Bigots are bigots are bigots. However you dress them up. Not to say that I think that's what you are, mind you. But maybe you should spend more time enjoying what you have now instead of denigrating what you were then. Maybe you should say a polite "fuck you" to the bigots in your life and move on. Maybe you really should write a book. I'm sure NARTH would love to read it.
Bright. Gay. Gun Owner. You want to make something of it?
"Of course the way you talk about the "gay lifestyle" seems kind of suspect." That's kind of what I thought too.
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I wish people would stop saying Hip Hop is the story of my life
Well, the point of any blog is to share a point of view. This is my point of view on something that occured in my life. You don't have to agree with it. And the way I talk about gays and that lifestyle is the way I experienced it. I have plenty of gay friends that are successful in their careers and don't do drugs. A good friend of mine named Jeff just got his bachelor's in marketing, works for wells fargo, has a wonderful boyfriend and two dogs and moved to the west side (which is the upper class society in the city that I live in). Another friend of mine actually is a career drag queen and has two national titles, her own house, and her own car. It just depends on who you are. I'm sure that if I hadn't explored that alternate lifestyle I would have ended up on drugs and spiraling out of control like I was anyway. I just had the dilusions of a drag queen career and the pressures of the gay life to go along with it. So I wasn't equating the gay lifestyle with drugs and drag queens, that's just what was going on in my life. Maybe someday I will write a book and I hope to get a critic as understanding and compassionate as you.
No day but today
-RENT
If you ever write a book I'd enjoy reading. I admire you for your fortitude. As well as for your aparent even temper. I'm glad you make the distinction between what your own experience and that of others. Too often I've had to face down people who take their own suffering and missteps and use them as a broad brush to paint the entire gay community. Good luck to you and your wife. I wish you laughter in the good times, serentity in the rough, and the strength to see them all through.
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Bright. Gay. Gun Owner. You want to make something of it?
Thank you very much. I have often thought about writing a book someday, but I could never figure out what context to write in. I think my life is interesting enough, but i'm not sure I can say what it takes to make it a best seller, or even be something that people would want to read. I wish you happiness as well.
No day but today
-RENT
On a side note, I never said I was struggling with my same sex sexual attractions. I struggled with my friends and family and the descrimination I recieved from them.
No day but today
-RENT
That's true. One of the earlier commentators did. I apologize for pinning that on you.
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Bright. Gay. Gun Owner. You want to make something of it?
Wow.
I'm stoked for you. It takes a lottt to be able to spill all that.
I think it's kind of a wrong assumption to equate homosexuality with drag queens and drugs because that was your particular experience. Although there is a drug problem in gay community, but that could be said for almost any minority. I understand what you mean about your attraction to men, although I'm a girl. I actually realized today that I am attracted to guys but don't want to go any further that just looking. It's kind of confusing to some of my friends.
I must say it's hard to see exactly where you stand on homosexuality.
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I wish people would stop saying Hip Hop is the story of my life
It seems like you are saying that while you were in the gay community you did all these things, like drugs, cause you did not really have anything to hold on to. Then you made many changes, all of which you like, which also resulted in stopping the bad activities, and you like it much better...to me it does not seem like equating the whole of the gay community to drag and drugs.
Very good post I say! It takes a lot of courage to say something like this.
Because being gay...being involved in the "gay lifestyle" leaves you with nothing to hold onto? If you're gay you can either get high or be empty because there's nothing for you there?
What a message. It takes alot of courage to say something like that.
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Bright. Gay. Gun Owner. You want to make something of it?
I understand where the other person was coming from because personally, I didn't have anything to hold onto and so I turned to drugs. She was making a statement about me, not a generalization about the gay community. And that was my intent on describing my experience as well. I think that the drugs and drag queens part of the blog is getting the most attention because that is what people like you are looking for. You're trying to say we are generalizing so you can pass judement on us and say that we are bigots for equating drugs and drag with the gay community as a whole. But if you read the whole blog, it was mainly about the descrimination I got from my friends and family. Why aren't you looking at the whole picture???
No day but today
-RENT
Because it hurts. Because I've faced too much discrimination and am therefore inclined to expect more. Because that's what I've seen before. I apologize for painting you with such broad strokes and ignoring the deeper content of your post. I won't apologize for my earlier tone or my words. When I said them they were true because the only information I had was your single post and that was the impression I pulled from it. Your later posts have clarified the issue for me and shifted my views.
Though I've reread the comment and I'm still inclined to believe that the statement was a generalization regarding the gay community. But that is something the the person who posted it will have to address.
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Bright. Gay. Gun Owner. You want to make something of it?
i would never ask you to appologize for the passion you feel when you see injustice in the world. I should apologize for my harsh reaction because you took it a way that I did not intend. Maybe the other person was generalizing a bit, but they're the ones that have to live with themself of that is true. I do understand where you're coming from though. There is a lot of descrimination and prejudices when the gay community is concerned. But on the other hand, there are more people accepting of it than ever before as well. I truely believe that there will come a day when being gay is such a common place thing that it won't be regarded as such a big deal anymore. There won't be so much hate because there will be more understanding.
No day but today
-RENT
That's an amazing story. I can't say I've ever heard one like it before. But at least you're happy, so you shouldn't let the discrimination have too much of an impact on you.
You have great courage. hope your life goes well.
Thank you. It's going better now than ever. I wish you all the luck in your life as well.
No day but today
-RENT
That's an interesting story, and while I applaud you for getting your life together it seems kind of weird that you were able to ignore your sexual attraction to men and turn from being gay to being straight. That you're able to do that just causes me to think that you were never really gay, but instead you just choose to live that lifestyle, which you just as easily decided wasn't working out for you, therefore you should go back to being straight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that everything worked out for you. But I tend to see why people might get confused, or as you say discriminate against you, because of your change in lifestyle. Your change in lifestyle seems to be putting out the message that it is easy to be a gay man or women and ignore your desires and sexual orientation and live life the way society wants you to live it. Because whether we like it or not, it is probably easier to live in the closet and pretend to be straight that to come out and learn to live with all the hate and prejudice the world has to offer you.
That's why my wife and I refer to that time in my life as 'practicing the homosexual lifestyle.' During that time I labeled myself as gay, but never really truely was. I did have sex with women every once in a while, but it's easy to blame that on drugs and alcohol. For the most part, I considered myself gay because that was the main part of my sexual urges that I was tending to. I know now that I was never fully gay. As for my friends, their confusion is what bred the descrimination. People tend to fear what they don't understand and that's why there is so much bigotry in the world. I don't believe that I was pretending to be gay, just as now I'm not pretending to be straight. I just happen to be a man with many interests in many areas of my life including my sex life. My wife likes that part of me. Certain things about my openness allow us to experiment....but I'm getting off the subject. Which I just so happened to forget, so I wish you all the happiness life can bring you.
No day but today
-RENT
I believe sexuality really shouldn't be labeled like we all try to do, but in this case I don't like the whole terminology of not being a part of the gay lifestyle anymore and such. Maybe you are still "gay", but are "straight" for your wife.
I just don't appreciate it when people say they just up and left a community that deals with so much oppression because of the lives we live (NOT BY CHOICE). It is stories like this that oppressors read and think "see! any homosexual person could easily give up that lifestyle!". It is stories like this that oppressors read and make the conviction that the life of a homosexual is a choice.
Brittni
It's Worth Reading
It would be sad that an oppressor could read my story and that's what they get from it. But it seems that's what you get from it as well. Any lifestyle is a choice. You could choose to live your life as a business man or a wanderer. There's so many ways to live your life that you can change if you have the desire or power to do so. I make suggestions to people about my sexuality to help them understand it better. If you read any of the other comments before you would see that I said I never suddenly stopped being attracted to men. It's something that's always there. So if me labeling myself bi makes you or an oppressor more comfortable, I could do that. I'm bisexual. And if an oppressor did read my story and thought, "see! any homosexual person could easily give up that lifestyle!" on some level they would be correct. Just because you have those urges, doesn't mean you have to act upon them, let alone start a whole lifestyle by going to gay pride events, rallying for aids victims, and checking out the local gay scene. That's what I gave up when I gave up the gay lifestyle. I didn't give up my sexuality just because I chose to live my life a certain way. It makes me sad that you could read this story and all the comments and only take away from it that oppressers could use my story to oppress. of course they could, but those individuals who are strong enough to live their life no matter what someone else thinks can deal with all the descrimination and hatred that the gay lifestyle brings.
No day but today
-RENT
My point being that the oppression against homosexuals shouldn't exist. It is people who clearly make it seem like a choice that harm the chances of gay people ever being accepted. It is hard to rise above in a society when "ex-gays" are citing it as a past "lifestyle" that they could easily leave at any time because it was never true in the first place.
I have a friend who "chooses" to be gay because he thinks it is "fun" or something to be with boys. It made me very upset when I found this out because there are so many people slaving to prove that it is biologically based (with some environment of course). Who would willingly choose to live such a hard life? I don't understand that.
And it is an attitude such as "but those individuals who are strong enough to live their life no matter what someone else thinks can deal with all the descrimination and hatred that the gay lifestyle brings" that makes people feel it is alright to discriminate and hate against homosexuals.
Brittni
It's Worth Reading
P.S. It wasn't the only thing I got from the story; just something I wanted to discuss.
i am a bisexual and queer woman, and i am interested in people regardless of their gender. for all practical purposes that means i'm into both men and women. i would say that my preferences are pretty biological but i am pretty grateful that i'm attracted to women as well as men. if i could choose, i would choose to be bisexual because i'd have more choices despite the hardships. yes, i can say that i'd feel comfortable choosing to be a member of a marginalized group because i do have a lot of privilege (my class and the fact that i look like a straight gender-normative woman). if it weren't for that, my answer might change. at the same time though, i definitely do go through the oppression of being someone queer. for example, i would probably be disowned from my very traditional chinese family if i ever came out to them, so the fact that i would choose is in the face of some hardships.
your question of "why would someone choose to be gay" to me is kind of shocking. it's kind of like saying, "why would someone choose to be a woman" or "why would someone choose to be a person of color" because those communities are also pretty oppressed, but most people would not ask those questions. it sounds like the reason why your friend upsets you is because they're using being gay for attention rather than for living a healthy & sexually fulfilling life.
People don't ask "why would someone choose to be a woman" because you generally don't choose that. And that would be the point I'm trying to make about it not being a choice. So I don't understand why you question me making that comment. And I know why my friend upsets me. It isn't for those reasons that you stated.
Brittni
It's Worth Reading
i'm sorry that i said anything about your friend - i shouldn't have when you stated it for yourself, and i didn't mean to disrespect you.
to cut down on the word count: when you ask "why would anyone choose to be gay?" i would say, "why not?" even if being gay were a choice, it still wouldn't be right to be homophobic.
There is always a choice in the matter. You may not be able to choose who you are attracted to, but you can choose how you live your life. I don't choose that I'm attracted to males and females, but I can choose who I want to be with and how I want to live my life. I loved the attention I got from going out in public in drag and creating a scene, but that's not why I lived that lifestyle. At that point in my life, I thought that I was choosing that part of my sexuality, the gay part, the part that's attracted to men, for the rest of my life. Even before I got with my wife I told her that she doesn't want to be with me because I'm gay, but throughout it all, I wasn't gay...that's just how I was choosing to live my life. That's the part of my sexuality I was exploring. I feel really sorry for your friend who is doing for the same attention that you find offensive. Maybe that's why it bother's you so much. You detest the negative attention that gay's get from society while your friend is just eating it up. I do find it hard to believe that he is having sex with men purely for the attention it gets him. There has to be some attraction there.
(And it is an attitude such as "but those individuals who are strong enough to live their life no matter what someone else thinks can deal with all the descrimination and hatred that the gay lifestyle brings" that makes people feel it is alright to discriminate and hate against homosexuals.)
That is not an attitude, it's a fact. Most gay people know what they're up against when they decide to live their life the way they do. Before they made their way onto the gay scene, they were still gay, they just weren't living the lifestyle. And you can live your whole life being gay and not living that lifestyle. Men sneak around behind their wives backs have quickies in the park or in a pay by the hour motel room. They're still gay, but they don't live the lifestyle...they're just in it for the sex. Most of my gay friends don't give a shit what people think. They live their lives to the fullest no matter what the opposition might think. I'm trying to do the same with my wife and my kids. It takes a lot of my strength having to fight people's descrimination against me. I don't know how many times I've heard, 'Once a fag, always a fag,' or other negative comments like that because I've decided to live my life a different way than the way I was living it. It's like they don't think I have a right to be a husband and a father because of the choices I've made in the past. That's the oppression that I live with. But I'm strong enough to take it. I knew what I was up against when I came out of the closet, and I now know what I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life because I stepped back in (so to speak....there's nothing really secretive about my sexuality amongst my peers and friends, but I choose not to tell my children at this time). That's my example of being strong enough to live my life no matter what someone else thinks. And I can deal with the descrimination that my choices have brought me just like most gay men can deal with all the descrimination and hatred that the their chosen lifestyle brings
No day but today
-RENT
im going to begin by commenting on what an amazing life story the author has, and i applaud you for sharing it and subjecting yourself to all the harsh words that people have.
with that said ill jump right into what i want to say. but first, i must clarfiy that yes i am a gay teenager, and that, due to the community i live in, and my loved ones, i am still "in the closet." so what i have to say is taken from the point of view of a teenager in the closet.
this country we live in is in a constant struggle between two major political parties, and while there are republicans who are sympathetic to the gay, well, lets call it a "movement" from here on in. most of them are conservative. but most of the liberals, who support the gay movement, are found in the democratic party.
and while these two political parties are in constant struggle, more and more people are embrassing the thought that sexuality is not something you choose, but something that is biologically decided.
and while more and more people are jumping onto this train of thoughts there are still organizations out there who think that homosexuality is a disease of the mind, and with the right amount of therapy someone can over come this. this thought scares me to death. mostly because being gay is something that i have come to terms with, and it is part of who i am. if someone were to try and change me then i wouldnt be me anymore.
i look forward to the day when people will just be "Sexual," none of this label shit, it only serves to divide people.
You may know what you need, but to get what you want better see that you keep what you have. -Sondheim
I, too, am looking forward to the day when labels aren't what binds people's thinking about sexuality. I think that's what caused alot of people's distraught over my very controversal blog...the labels. I am a sexual being who is attracted to both males and females. I used to live as a homesexual male, but that's not what I was all along. It's so hard to explain to people without using labels as a way to try and get them to see what I was going through.
No day but today
-RENT
Hey man,
you are definately a strong person for changing yourself. I too change as I grow up. My experiences have been much different from yours, but there is a sense of maturity in everything that you wrote, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. The only important part of the entire subject is that you bettered yourself over time, as any person that wants their life to be a success would. Godd for you man! Keep looking up!
Thank you! Looking back on my life and all the changes and stages I went through, I wouldn't want to have it any other way. Not only does it make me who I am today, it helps me to build a better tomorrow for my children. May your life bring you hapiness and wisdom.
No day but today
-RENT
I applaud you for telling your story. I am the mother of 5 boys and my second to oldest son I have a feeling is gay. I have a couple of great friends that are gay and they have given me wonderful insight into parenting him and his brothers in a way that they know they are loved and accepted no matter what. I just wish I could plant the seeds of understanding and acceptance in other family members, especially my ultra conservative in-laws. My son is only 10 so there is still plenty of time to work on them.
A wise woman once said to me "God wants everyone to love and be loved. What is the greater sin to live your life without love or to share your love with someone of the same sex?"
Personally, I believe that going through life without actually finding someone that makes you feel whole, without loveing is far worse than sharing your life with someone of the same gender.
Erin
"No one cares how much you know, untill they know how much you care...about them"
I loved your comment. It was sincere and heartfelt. I also beleive that it's all about love. You're not wrong for who you love, whether or not it's a person of the same sex or not. We raise our children with that belief and I'm so glad that they are going to be open-minded (I hope). Our oldest daughter is definitely going to open-minded and accepting, we can just tell by the way she talks. She mimicks our beliefs. We, too, also tell our children that we will love them and accept them no matter what, so if they are gay I think they won't have too much of a hard time coming out to us. The only advise I could give coming from someone who had to deal with his parents is be for them no matter what.
No day but today
-RENT
Your story, whether you like it or not is putting out the message that being gay is a choice. It is people like yourself, and don't take this the wrong way, who decide to become gay, as if its like changing boyfriends or girlfriends, that give people who discriminate against truly gay people their ammuniation. They'll use your story as an example to prove their point, whether you like it or not. It does not matter that this was not your intentation. They see it as, " well, obviously since he thought he was gay and then became straight again after finding out how horrible that lifestyle is, it must not be a real orientation". People how discriminate agaist anyone are closed mind and take a well intentioned story, like someone's ability to change his life for the better, and manipulate them to serve their own purpose.
I do know the power of the closed mind. I've dealt with it alot in my life. I can see that a bigot could read my story and take from it certain points to fuel their fire of hatred, but I was just stressing that it wasn't my intention so someone who isn't a bigot will better understand where I'm coming from. But those bigots won't care if that wasn't my intention either, because they'll take from it what they want. People like that will always find some statistic or some story, even if it wasn't mind. That's because that's what they want to serve their own jaded agenda. And to clarify, my life got better because of family, values, and I stopped doing drugs....not because I wasn't gay anymore. I know that you didn't put it in those terms, but I just wanted to clarify that because of your ending statement. I chose to live my life a certain way. Just because I'm with a woman now and I'm content with my family life does not mean I still don't have attraction to men. That's something that will always be there no matter how I choose to live.
No day but today
-RENT
I also used to be gay. Maybe it wasn't gay, just experimenting for 4 years. Regardless, I feel that sexual orientation is something akin to an aesthetic appreciation, and therefore, the dichotomy between gay and straight isn't nearly as clear cut as people would like to believe. I can't say that I've faced the same type of discrimination that you have, but I as well as many other straight people experience a kind of disdain from the queer community (which I still consider myself a part of) because somehow heterosexuality is based on a social normative rather than an actual expression of love.
--Mike
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My wife and I have dealt with the same issue you so elequently described above. Most people ask her, 'If he's not gay, then what is he?" It's sad that they only see it in black and white. A very renowned psychologist named Kinsey (you might have heard about his ground breaking report in the 60's of modern day human sexuality referred to as the Kinsey report) actually came up with a scale theory on human bisexuality. He believed that everyone, to some degree, is bisexual. The scale goes from 1 to 6, and 3 would be the perfect bisexual with the same amount of attraction to male as to female. 6 would then be totally gay with a slight attraction to the opposite sex, and 1 would be completely straight with a slight attraction to the same sex. I thought that this was interesting enough to share with you.
(but I as well as many other straight people experience a kind of disdain from the queer community (which I still consider myself a part of) because somehow heterosexuality is based on a social normative rather than an actual expression of love.)
I actually never thought of it that way, but looking back I can see what you're talking about.
No day but today
-RENT
The Kinsey Scale ranges from 0 to 6.
percivale
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"Vi Veri Vniversum Vivus Vici." ~ V.
Oh...sorry, I thought it was 1 to 6. But 0 to 6 would make more sense becaue then 3 would be the perfect median, with three degrees above and below.
No day but today
-RENT
I've heard of the Kinsey scale (we often talk about it when discussing gender/sexuality in my school's Anarchist Social Theory Club). I still think that it is too limiting and still conforms to the heteronormative outlook to things, mainly because it assumes that there is a such thing as gender or gender binaries to begin with.
I think that sexuality is no different than being attracted to blondes or girls with big tits or whatever. I often liken sexuality to musical taste. There are some things that some think are great and others think are horrible. Some genres that people will like wholesale and some will only like in part. Sure you can choose what you listen to, but rarely do we choose what we like.
--Mike
Check out the ProgU News Feed:
http://www.progressiveu.org/news
Keep an eye out for the new FAQ and Topic of the Week, coming this fall!
It bothers me when I hear of people who say they used to be gay or were expermenting. Again because it gives so much ammuniation to the oppressors. You give them reason to believe that its just another crazy fad that will soon go away like the hippies. You give them reason to believe that being gay is not a choice but, rather, how a person was born into the world.
Thank you! Agree with you again
Brittni
It's Worth Reading
Let me begin with a compliment and a bit of support. Your blog strikes me as being very open and heartfelt. Thanks for witing it. Always be who you are, and to heck with whatever everyone else thinks about you.
That being said, I think that its obvious that your presentation is a little unclear. I've read enough of your blogs now to know that you aren't the typical "ex-gay" nutjob that tries so desperately to convince everyone (themselves included) that they have somehow magically changed thier sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. However, I do have to say that your blog does make use of quite a few of the buzz words and catch phrases that we often hear from those folks, and your comments seem to vacillate between a postition of extreme self-awareness and a place of broad-brushed stereotypical shallowness.
A good example of this is your use of the term "homsexual lifestyle." This strikes me as a very odd phrase, coming from someone who admits (in a later response) that he knows plenty of gay people that don't fit the mold of "that lifestyle." In a way, you are perpetuating one of the main stereotypes that you seem to be fighting against by teaching your children that "it is okay to be gay," but at the same time reinforcing the myth that you can make negative assumptions about the lifestyle of a gay person simply because of who they are.
I also think that you are making the same mistake that many straight people make when they think about themselves in relation to gay people. A bisexual person is not a homosexual person. They are similar in many respects, but they are also different. Just as a heterosexual person might not connect when you explain to them that you are also attracted to men (even if you aren't still having sex with them), so too do you seem to be missing the fact that there is a part of your sexuality that a homosexual person will find equally alien, and there are aspects of your experience that simply do not apply to homosexual people.
For example, you tout yourself as having changed yourself and stopped being "gay." You then go on to say that there is "always a choice," but you seem to imply that everyone has access to the same choices as you. That simply isn't true. Again, the choices may be similar, but a bisexual person has a few options that your average homosexual person does not.
When you describe your relationship to your wife as being "Brandy-sexual," you are describing something that almost anyone in a serious, loving and long-term relationship can understand. The human tendency to fixate on the person we love is a response known to lovers of all stripes. It is common when two people fall in love that their desire for one another increases. Their desire for others tends to decrease in response, though it rarely goes away entirely.
I am an exclusively homosexual man, and I love my husband. I am still attracted to other men, but that attraction is hardly sufficient to lead me to act in such as to endanger the feelings of love and trust that are the foundations of my marriage. In my experience, it seems that loving heterosexual couples are similar in this regard. But the thing to remember is that even when we fall in love with a single person, our underlying sexuality does not just change or go away. It is still there, but simply directed in a more tightly focused manner.
When you fell in love with your wife, your sexuality didn't change, either. You seem to be aware of this when you acknowledge that you are still attracted to men as well as women. Because of this, I have to question you when you say that you stopped being gay. It seems to me that you did nothing of the sort.
You fell in love with a woman, which as a bisexual person was always a possibility. After all, even when you were trying live an exclusively gay "lifestyle," you still found yourself in bed with women from time to time. Having an emotionally honest, romantic and physical relationship with a woman is a choice that your homosexual friends do not share, and I think you are doing those friends a disservice when you imply that they could just "choose" who they want to be with.
As for the discrimination that you've experienced from both the gay and straight communities, that is unfortunate. I think a lot of people on both sides of the great divide tend to mistakenly view bisexual people as either "heterosexuals who are just experimenting" or "homosexuals who just won't admit that they're gay." But the reality is that sexual orientation is not as simple as an switch with two settings.
In the end, I applaud you for being comfortable with who you are, but I would caution you to be careful in the words that you choose when you try to explain yourself to others. And, don't confuse your lifestyle choices with the gay community as a whole. There are a great many people in this would who would grasp onto your story use some of the more stereotypical sounding comments in it to support their own brands of propaganda.
TTFN,
percivale
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"Vi Veri Vniversum Vivus Vici." ~ V.
First, I would like to thank you for your comment. You gave criticism with class. It seems that you have read this blog and kept an open mind to both sides of the argument about the lifestyle, orientation, and all of the concerns of the commentors about people's bigotry and prejudice. I fine it interesting that people have chosen to focus on the buzz words that I used in my blog....gay, lifestyle, changed lifestyle, drugs, drag queen, etc. The only reason that most of them are there is because of the way I chose to live my life throughout that era.
Secondly, I do know that not everyone has the same choices that I have, but they still have a choice on the way they live their life. I have referred to the gay lifestyle broadly, because that was the easiest way I could explain my experience. In the gay community, there are dozens of choices of the way you want to live your life. You could be a barfly, an activist, be in a serious relationship....the possiblities are as open as they are in the straight community. But there are choices as to whether or not your in everyone's face about who you are. The only reason that becomes such a case with gays is because of the oppression that they have gone through and most straight people don't consider that 'the norm.'
I don't believe that referring to a certain lifestyle is in any way perpetuating a stereotype. Maybe to someone who is ignorant and can't decipher the difference between who you are and the way you live your life, but not to most of the educated and thoughtful people I have encountered here at progressive u. Those ignorant and bias people are the ones reinforcing the myth that you can make negative assumptions about the lifestyle of a gay person simply because of who they are, not me and my casual statement about a certain lifestyle and the way it's lived.
I do understand your concern with the way my story is told. There are idiots out there that could try to use my story for their own propaganda, as you put it. But I do believe that those people will find amunition anywhere because that is what they are looking for. I wouldn't want my story to be used in such a manner, but those people could probably find a way of using my story to fuel their hatred no matter how I told the story.
Thank you for your critisism are your words of encouragement. I wish you the best of luck to you and your husband. May life bring you hapiness and wisdom (I can see you already have some wisdom, so let's focus on the happy part)
No day but today
-RENT
http://progressiveu.org/222330-it-takes-strength-to-listen
i think understanding is the basis of acceptance.. maybe you don't need to relate or even sympathize to accept, but not understanding even where you're coming from won't get anyone anywhere.
I understand what you're saying, but I think you're choice of wording can be misinterpreted if someone doesn't actually read the post.
To me, it's more like you're being discriminated against because you are genderqueer. When people can't put someone's sexual orientation into a neat little box, they have a problem with it. There are so many misconceptions about cross-dressers and bisexuals out there. Hopefully, people will come to understand that sexuality is fluid and changes over time.
Fluid?....I like that! It makes me think of the tide ebbing, everytime the tide comes in it's a different chapter in your sexuality. Or your sexuality moving like the undercurrents of a river. Thanks for your comment, I enjoyed it very much.
No day but today
-RENT
I have one question: If you're not ashamed about living the gay lifestyle once, why is it that you keep it a secret from your kids?
I actually have several reasons that I keep it a secret....right now. I will someday want to share this with my kids. The first reason I want to keep this is purely for my benefit. You're right, I'm not ashamed, but how my kids view me is very important to me. I don't feel that I could explain it to them in a way that they would understand. I mean, how could they, they're too young right now. The second reason is because I don't want to give their peers any ammunition to use against them. Kids are cruel and I don't want the choices in my life to affect theirs. I sometimes question how much my oldest daughter does remember because she's actually seen me in drag, way back when I was the gay uncle Dennis.
No day but today
-RENT
I see you have a quote from RENT as your signature. Let me tell you, I live by a RENT saying myself, "I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be." So, I can see how you can go from being gay to straight (I hate those terms I think it is so much more complicated than you sleep with boys and you sleep with girls). So, I say do what is natural to you, and you did. I applaud you for opening people's eyes and saying that being "gay" is not something that you can label.
~ Life can be wonderful, if you let it.
I love pretty much everything about RENT. And so does my kids. My five year old knows pretty much the whole musical by heart. I love it when she runs around the house singing, 'Today for you, tomorrow for me.' Angel is her favorite character. It's really hard explaining the HIV/AIDS concept of the musical. Their biological father's step-dad is diagnosed with AIDS and I want to tell them but my wife and their dad doesn't want to. I want to tell them so that they know that it's real and it affects real people in their lives. Well, that was way off subject so I'll get back to your comment. I agree with you...it's too complicated to label it. Thank you very much for your support.
No day but today
-RENT
that sucks.... and I see that you've had it rough....
I just want to say this, and no one PLEASE say anything back because I'm just tired.
From your blog it seems to me that a gay lifestyle is bad -- drugs and crimes and self centered. That people want to be your friend just to "use" you. So why would you tell "your" daughters that being gay is okay? That just seems kinda odd to me. And again it's not okay, even if there was no religion, it just isn't. Our bodies weren't meant to have the things we put in places put there. As someone once said (can't remember who at the moment), "there are IN holes and there are OUT holes, things aren't supposed to go in the out, that's why it's an out!" amen to that. BUT then what about vagina or mouth right? well, mouth mainly goes in, coming out (throwing up) is bad it means you're sick (not like "oh that's sick and wrong" means you are literally sick). vagina was clearly made to take the penis in and push the babies out.
no not all gays, and even straights, practice anal sex. it's wrong, just plain and simple. BUT that's besides the point. you said that you did things you regret.... you did drugs and a lot of bad things while being a queen.... so you're testifying to the fact that a homosexual life style is bad. and then you still say it's okay.
oh and another thing, homosexual relationships are found to be mostly lust. why do i say that? they don't last long, the majority of them (i say majority bc i know someone will come out and say something against if i said all.... but i haven't seen one life long homosexual relationship). so its not true love, it's just the desire to have sex.
okay, im done. i hope this was clear. i'm not trying to change your mind, honestly, just point some things out that you said that don't make sense, and about gays that don't make sense.
but i will say, you have done a great thing, something few men will do.... own up. and i applaud that.
And this same progeny of evils comes from our debate, from our dissension; We are their parents and original. -- A Midsummer Night's Dream Act II, Scene I, Lines 115-117
This is exactly the kind of ignorant assumtions that I was talking about when I cautioned you against your ill choice of words.
percivale
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"Vi Veri Vniversum Vivus Vici." ~ V.
I do see what you mean. I didn't want people to take me the wrong way, that's why I tried to clarify it so much in the comments. I don't think being gay is wrong. The way that I lived my life when I was sleeping with men is wrong. I will never say that being gay is wrong, because it's not. That would be like saying you're wrong for having brown hair or big feet. It's something that you are no matter what, and I will not believe otherwise. Hopefully other people will someday see that.
No day but today
-RENT
I came out 2 summers ago, and everyone is always like... You aren't GAY ENOUGH, or why dont you do this, or that.
Just be who you are. But dont lie to yourself.
I know exactly what you mean because I have a cousin who came out a while after I did and people compare how gay he was to me, because I was flaming. One of my wife's best friends from middle school is black and she got a lot of shit from people because she didn't 'act her color.' It was like she wasn't black enough for the black girls at our school, and I thought of that when I read your comment. Thank you for you words of encouragement.
No day but today
-RENT
I have never read anything like this in my life. I am in shock I need water.
Tiffany Southall signing out by keeping you up-to-date.
that rigid sex taboos are funny.
people who uphold them are funny.
they're missing out!!
but to the author of this post.....
i'm glad that you have the chance to raise children. even if I ended up with a woman...i would still want children.
they are so worth it all, aren't they?
good job i am glad that you made a good choice
Honestly, I agree with you. My best friend in high school (from freshman year, I transferred schools later) was gay. And, quite frankly, he's the only "real" man I've ever met. To me, a real man respects women, and is confident. You seem to be a perfect reflection of my friend, the only real man I know, besides my own father.
I think you'll do a great job raising your kids. Hey, no one said fatherhood was easy, right?
Thank you very much. Most gay men are the 'real men' out there. I've often wondered if they understand and respect women more because they don't have the sexual attraction muddling up their thinking process. They take the time to actually listen to what women have to say, and that's what most women want. I am learning everyday how difficult it is to raise children. They constantly challenge you to try and figure out how you're going to handle a situation. It's so hard when you think you made a bad decision or choice handling something in their lives because then you constantly critisize yourself. I think I'm doing a good job. No parent is perfect, right?
No day but today
-RENT
When I was little my folks took me to Greenwood Dairy for big scoops of black raspberry ice cream. In my teens I liked peanut butter ice cream. Now, 20 years later I love black raspberry ice cream again, and the satisfaction I get from its taste is stronger than ever before.
I fault no one for going any way the wind blows. Oh, sorry about the "blows." But, Love there is sort of an error in your logic. (Oh, sorry about the "butt Love")
You see, after you start skating on the Hershey Highway, it's not something you just "forget." If your sexuality is such a disposable, fluid thing, your error is in not admitting that if you slipped OUT of a lifestyle so fluidly, that the reverse can happen just as easily.
It is also a bit dangerous for us to go around preaching that sexuality is a sort of "phase" thing that we can choose. For gay people, for centuries, they have been told that they should choose to adopt a so-called "normal" lifestyle, like it's choosing to wear a red sweater. You don't forget how to ride a bike, ever. You might be eating fish right now, yes, but you still remember and love the taste of boykielbasa.