Nov. 15, 1996 11:42 pm
This last week has been really stressful. Most of the causes are the same, overworked, depressed about ( why is it that when wanted to write Val’s name I thought of Melanie’s) I have now determined my life is very complicated and complex What I need to do is study Psychology so I can understand myself not other people. Will write more later...
Later that night:
I tried reading while I was on break but I could not stay focused. I think I am getting mentally drained from all this work and bill paying, and the bullshit between friends. Specking of fiends Bill was jumped by Shane and Bobby. Now because he looks like shit his military career could be fucked. I cannot help but think part of that is my fault. If I did not introduce Bill to Shane none of this shit would have happened. Well I am starting to get tired and can not write so until next.
T
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Recently I friend of mine said I needed to write something more happy and upbeat. As much as I would like to do that, I can not. At the time I wrote these entries my life was not upbeat and happy. I was depressed and confused, not that I am saying that I am that way now, but to much shit was going on at that time.
Melanie was a girl that I dated for a little while in 89. I was not serious and all we did was argue all the time. So why was I thinking about her instead of Val. Maybe my brain did not want to be reminded of what I had lost, and the only way I could deal with it was to block it out. Every time I thought about Val I would break down emotionally. Let’s just say I did a lot of crying in when i was alone, and always managed to hide it when I was with others. Actually I held it in check would be a better way to put it.
I was so messed up I blamed myself for what others did, I could not control what one person did to another. just because I introduced those two to each other. At the time i did not realize that you control your the actions of your life not some one else's. You can not be held responsible for there actions. I just wish that I did not have to go through all that I did to realize this now.
I will promise that, although these entries are dark and sad. I will try to write something more upbeat. It does get better.
