The other day, it was my turn to do an internal monologue. I had been dreading this moment. It was all fine and good to listen to other people, but doing it myself would be a totally different experience! And an experience it was…
In case you missed the other entry, I’ll give you an idea of what an internal monologue is. You are intended to confront a person you need to talk to, whether it be about an issue or simply what you need from them. You of course confront them in a non physical sense. The person is not in the room with you.
We did these in Acting class and it was quite an interesting experience. In the other blog entry titled “Internal Monologues: It’s All About Perspective”, I explained how these monologues provided the rare insight into who a person really was and how they can change your opinion of someone else.
Then it was my turn in the chair, and I was nervous. I had told myself earlier to not be nervous about this, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. I didn’t want to get emotional either. Through the first days of the exercise I kept trying to think how I would do my monologue, who it would be to, and how I would get it done and over with, with no extreme emotions shed.
Well, so much for that planning.
My friend Amber did an especially hard monologue, and that may have been the deciding factor in who my monologue was about. I did my monologue to my mother, a parent who has never been there for me and most likely never will. I said what I originally could not say. I said the things that had been bubbling up inside for years, the accusations and the anger that I could not express on the rare occasions when she was actually present. I also admitted how I could not completely trust her anymore because of the way she’d acted. She never visited, called, or otherwise contacted me. Every few years or so there’d be a phone call, another year or two an impromptu visit.
So it was there, in that dreaded chair, that I told my mother I hated her. I also gave her the ultimatum: attempt to be a part of my life, or get yourself completely out of it.
I wonder now if I’d ever be able to say any of these things in real life to her. I also wonder if doing that particular monologue has helped me internally resolve some things and even make it easier for me to tell her all this in the future. Perhaps only time will tell.
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That is a crazy exercise to do with your class.
I could never do that, good job.
+mspin
I didn't think I could do it either. You'd be surprised what you could be capable of.
I honestly think that was good for you to get all of those feelings out and would make it easier to tell her in the future. I know that probably sucked doing it in front of the class but keeping that stuff in is bad but i can't say much because i do the same thing.
It didn't necessarily suck but certain aspects of the exercise were difficult to go through. Really it's not that bad doing it in front of the class because they all have to do the same thing!
It's hard, but there are benefits to the exercise. The main point is to get in touch with real emotions and express a vulnerability, and this makes acting later on more authentic. However, it also seems to acheive a kind of "putting things at rest" kind of attitude. It seems to help some people therapeutically put things behind them to move on.
That takes guts, you should be extremely proud of yourself and your accomplishment!
Thanks! It was an interesting experience, that was for sure.