~~Prologue: All Good things Must End~~
"Oh God, why have you forsaken me?" Jesus cried out on the cross.
"Oh, looks like Jesus is struggling on the crucifix... and look as the crowd goes wild!" the cruci-caster announced.
"That's right Bob... the crowd is truly enjoying the execution of their messiah - and now for the weather, Jan?"
The camera skipped to their weather girl, Jan. "Well, it looks like the next couple days are going to be one Hell of a natural disaster. It's going to rain frogs, and another locust swarm looks imminent. It sure is going to make Bethlehem one holy mess." she proclaimed.
"Oh, breaking news... it looks like Jesus is just about to... yes, Jesus is dead. I repeat, Jesus is indeed dead." The main cruci-caster announced.
The crowd viewing the event goes silent for a moment, making sure his breaths have ceased. In one instance, they conclude it to be the end and walk away, immediately bored, in search of other entertainment.
~~I: With a Vengeance~~
They tortured me, mocked me, questioned my word and credibility, and in the end... killed me. Who am I? I'm Jesus, and I'll be serving a world of plague on your candy-ass.
I threw on my robe and tucked in the inner pocket a small flask of holy water, and in the other, outside pocket I kept a small cross. It's mass-time!
I walked down the town center's road where the merchandise was on display. On the right of me I spotted a Muslim merchant. "What are you selling, kind sir?" I politely inquired.
He looked at me with a smirk. "Oh, we're selling some good things today. We have herbs, potions, poisons - if that's your thing... and we have a few other... choice items in stock." he insinuated with a wink.
"What other 'choice items' do you have?" I asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"Come with me. What you see here you tell no one." he commanded. I followed him into the back rooms of his shop where he then showed me a big iron capsule. "This here is the finest in holy warfare." he insisted.
"What is it?" I curiously asked.
"Oh, this is what the West side is calling a 'bomb'. What it does is you'd throw it at someone and they will disappear forever." he excitedly confessed. "I like to call it 'Fire Rain'."
"I admire your ambition, my Islamic friend. Perhaps someday our ideologies shall meet... and I'm sure they will have a wonderful time collaborating with one another. Today though, my good sir, I am not yet in need of your services. I shall take my leave." I admitted.
"No you won't!" he shouted. Suddenly I felt a cool metal poking my back... a knife.
"Hello Jesus." A voice greeted. I knew that voice...
"Judas! You betrayed me... again!" I proclaimed. He removed the knife from my flesh and walked to my front, into my sights.
"I'm sorry, but you have to understand... when you lie to everyone, saying your friend isn't a messiah, then to have him return from the dead... people won't be so inclined to take you seriously any longer. You have to die... and stay dead." he insisted.
~~II: The Heretic's Playground~~
Judas along with two Muslims shackled me and now are dragging me deeper into the shop, down stairs to an underground lair. We made it to a bleak chamber where I spotted pentacles, goat heads, mutilated and deformed skeletons and so forth. This place stunk of satanic essence.
“What is it you’re planning, Judas?” I asked.
He halted dragging me, turned and said “We’re going to kill you through satanic rituals, making sure you never come back, but are sent straight to Hell.” He proclaimed.
He turned his head away and began dragging me closer to an upside down cross. He turned back and in my place was a skeleton. “What in the…?”
“World?” I completed his sentence. I stood right in front of him, no longer shackled. I then drew out the cross from my pocket and chucked it at him, piercing him through his left eye. He screeched.
The other two Muslims started toward me until I then took out my holy water flask and tossed some water on the ground beneath them. The ground shuttered and shook, then gave out, sending them into a fiery abyss.
“Thy will be done.”
~~III: Unshackled and Uncensored (Conclusion)~~
After Judas’ decent I felt little more had to be dealt with… until I discovered Pontius Pilot’s plot to begin his own religion – made up completely of a false messiah… himself.
I knew he would have his quarters swarming with guards. I need to step up my arsenal. I grabbed my usual cross and flask, and added my jujutsu staff, made of the very cross I hung on.
I made way to Pilot’s palace where two guards stood armed with swords. “What is your business here? No one sees Reverend Pontius!” one guard stated.
“I have business with Pontius” I said swaying my hand in his sight. “He told me to come quick and tell no one.” I continued. “It is okay for me to enter.” I finished.
“He has business with Pontius. It’s okay for him to enter.” The guard told the other guard.
I began walking down a long corridor where suddenly I heard a series of clicks and clings. Out from behind the pillars on the walls were several men with swords, lances, and shields.
I got into a crouching stance, holding the staff to my side. They began approaching me, then I began swooping the staff frantically, knocking three down with one full swoop.
Another ran at me. I smacked the staff down on the top of his head, hard and holy enough to cause him to spit his skull straight out of his mouth. “Nothing like a good head job.” I subtly quipped.
The final guard ran at me. I pulled the staff back and impaled him through his chest, pulling it out, turning his pouring blood into wine.
I dashed down the hallway and threw myself, legs first at the door, knocking it down, landing on the collapsed wood. “Jesus!” a robed man behind a large desk shouted.
“Hello Pontius.” I replied. Pontius got up from his chair and approached me.
“You have a lot of nerve coming here all like this. Do you have any idea the controversy you’re causing? People are really starting to believe you’re returning from the dead!” he proclaimed.
“I know. It doesn’t matter to me what they think. It’s irrelevant to my cause. The Matrix…”
“The Matrix will never end!” he shouted, interrupting me.
“The Matrix will end. Whether it happens today or a millennia from now… it will happen!” I shouted back.
“The Smithsonian won’t look too kindly on that idea. I think it’s time you’ve been silenced once and for all. Freeing you from the Matrix was too easy an attempt on silencing you. I should’ve known you’d return.
He drew his sword out and pointed it at me. I drew out my cross and immediately chucked it at his forehead, going straight through his skull and out the other end. His eyes crossed and he fell to the floor, lifeless.
“You’ve just been crucified!” I announced.
I approached the exit of his palace, where I viewed many people, from peasants to bourgeoisie running frantically, attacking all of Pilot’s men, ending his reign and regime once and for all, ridding the Matrix from the dreaded black pill codenamed Ridolic.
The end is nigh… and so is the beginning.
~~COMING SOON~~
“Resurrection’s a Bitch 2: Dial J for Jesus” – the next big story by Nick Pellegrino. This. Summer. Will. Be. A. Hot. One.
After two millennia Jesus remained to the living realm. Corruption riddled the world’s most influential people and governing authorities. With his holy connections, Jesus will assassinate every last one of them.
If you need a hard job done easily, dial “J” for Jesus.
In a chapel near you on the second coming of CHRIST!
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I'm not quite sure what the progressive message in this was, but at least it was well-written. =0)
Find out everything you need to know about poop here:
http://progressiveu.org/000701-everything-you-need-know-about-poop