I didn't asked to be raped.
But for a long time that is exactly what I thought. I asked for it. Not until I said the phrase: "I was raped" did I actually believe it.
One of my co-workers had become quite fond of me and I had thought he would be a good person to be friends with. And that is exactly what we started to be. Friends. And just that. He had a girlfriend and I knew that it could go no further than friends. One day, he had invited me over to hang out at his apartment and since he was my friend I thought it would be ok. When I arrived there he started to come on to me and then continued to rape me. I told him no. I screamed at him telling him he was hurting me. I tried to push him off. But I couldn't do it I wasn't strong enough to push him. I was raped.
At first I didn't think it was rape. I thought it was my fault because I had gone over there and because I had decided to be his friend. I didn't think it was rape because I knew him and he was supposed to be my friend. When I started thinking I may have been raped it was a few months after the actual act. Every time I would start to come to grips with the idea I'd make another excuse for him and place the blame on me. I started to think that I asked for it. I was wrong.
I didn't ask to be raped. I told him no. I tried to push him off. I screamed that he was hurting me. But I was raped. I was hurt and made to bleed. I can finally say with true certainty I was raped.
I read in a sociology book that many women are raped everyday that don't believe they were because they knew the person. A stranger can rape a woman. A friend can rape another friend. A brother can rape a sister. A husband can rape his wife. Rape can happen between any two people regardless of whether they know each other or not. I don't think enough women understand that, but they need to. Just like I needed to when it actually happened.
I was raped. By a friend. I was 17 years old. He was 22 years old. It was not my fault. I didn't ask to be raped.
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Thank you so much for posting this. Rape is a very sensitive subject to me, as my girlfriend was subjected to it several times over the course of her life. It's good to know that there are people out there who understand the hurt and are trying to educate others. If this makes one more girl stand up and say "I was raped" than would have, then it's done something.
i'm so happy that you posted this blog because i too was raped and didn't want to admit it at first. it makes me smile to see that there are others like me who have survived rape and are still standing strong. you should look at one of my blogs that talk about it.
I wish I could say something of great use to you... but I will say this: I'm proud of you for not trying to put the blame on yourself for what was forced upon you. That's very honorable, I think. :)
"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."
-Van Gogh
I agree with AmélieMellow.
I think it's absolutely astonishing how many women are raped or sexually harrassed/abused by people they know.
I've never had unwanted sexual attention before beyond catcalling on the street (which is offensive in its own right if you're paying attention, but not physically intrusive), but stories like yours almost terrify me for what could happen. I'm glad you're able to recognize it wasn't your fault. I worry that I would have a hard time admitting that if I were in the same situation.
The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine. I made sure she knew it was rape, and got her to file for statutory rape.
was really long, so I blogged it:
http://www.progressiveu.org/162800-sexual-abuse-response
Thank you for reaching out. I'm so sorry you had to go through it and I'm glad you realized that it is not your fault.
kfed:
Yeah, cat calling is rude, and it might lead to something more aggressive. If you ever feel paranoid, don't travel alone. Even if it's just going to the gas station or across the street.
I was walking in New Orleans once and I passed a shop with open French doors. There were a couple of guys standing in the door way. As I walked by one of them looked at me and I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The first one looked at his buddies and they started following me. Luckily I was with a few friends. The two girls I was with were walking ahead of me. One of them was married and her husband was walking behind me. Because of the way we were walking (each of us pausing to look into shop windows, etc) it looked like I was walking alone. When her husband saw the guys react (they started walking beside him), he casually stepped up beside me and put his arm around my shoulders and looked at the guy that had been walking beside him. The guys that had been following us dropped back because I wasn't alone.
Another thing you can do is have a person you trust on speed dial in your cell phone. If you can trust your parents, them, if not someone you do trust. Let that person know what your regular schedule is and if you do something different, let them know. Also, having a friend call you when you are on a date is a good idea. Work out a key phrase to let them know "things are not good, I need you to come get me out of here." If you are going to a movie, let that friend know when the movie will end and have them call. If things are not going well, your friend's call is a way to try to politely end the date. If things are going fine, then you tell your friend where you will be next, just in case.
Always look out for your safety, first. If your date can't understand why you have to leave because your friend "really needs to talk," chances are that is not a person you want to have a relationship with.
That's a really great system.
My 28th birthday, I went to the BAR with girlfriend. We were planning to have two or three drinks and a meal together. Just her and I. I was newly divorced. Her fiancee showed up after we ordered our second drink with his 'friend'. Her finacee was like my brother and good friend.
I had that sinking feeling and ignored it.
I left to go to the bathroom, leaving the 3 of them at the table, I came back to the table and proceeded to eat my nachos and have my drink, this was about 8 pm. Keep in mind I was a drinker, I could party with the best of them and hold my own. I drink men under the table and walk away winning the bet.
I do not remember anything after the half way mark on my drink, I woke at 3am in my girlfriends house on the floor half dressed. The fiancee and his friend were laughing and getting dressed. Suspect they drugged my drink.
The police discouraged my pressing charges due to the publicity and my pending custody fight in court.
ALWAYS trust your gutt.
Like you mentioned, go as a group and always be aware of the surroundings, look for a 'plan B' incase you get skidish you got a planned way out.
Never trust in just one person, also, now I leave a phone number with the BAR tender where I frequent, this is so if he thinks something bad is going to happen he can call me a designated driver to come get me out of the BAR. In this case I leave my car there until the next day.
It works, I went to the Bar recently and much later when I was proceeding to leave, these creeps followed me out, the Bar keep called the emergency number, my ride was living only about a mile away. By the time my ride got there I was half way thru the lot and headed for my car and these guys were grabbing and taunting at me. My ride stepped out, put his arm in front of me, I climbed into his truck, safe and sound. All because of a good Bar tender with a good eye for trouble and a plan.
My friend was raped, but she knew it was not her fault. just as you said, she did not ask for it. I would also like to add that not only men can commit rape. Women can too. I was just reading that part where you were saying a husband can rape his wife and a brother can rape a sister, but a woman can force herself on anyone, and if it is not willing it is rape.
What that man did to you was horrible and I hope you can go form that and live your life.
In the first place a 17 year old girl should not have been alone with a 22 year old man. You set yourself up for what happen. No way do I agree with what happen to you, next time use your head girl. Why did it take you so long to realize that you was raped. Something is not right here. I must be honest and not sugar coat this.....In a way you are at fault, never set yourself up like this again. Always be on guard and trust is something that is earned and not given. I am a man and I believe that most of us who works hard at being a real man get blame for the bad things that the dogs who call themselves men......but do not have a clue. In the future be more careful and pick your friends wisely. I'm just keeping it real.
Good luck
Barretta
Umm... I'm alone with older men all the time. One of my best friends in school is like 6 years older than me (I'm 19, he's 25, I believe). I hang out with guys that are a few years older than me. I hang out with guys that are a little younger than me (namely my boyfriend, and looking at us, you wouldn't guess he's younger). It has nothing to do with age. And saying she asked for it because she was hanging out with someone older is like saying she asked for it because she wore less than appropriate clothing. No girl deserves to be raped.
~C
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Only a man could say something so stupid!!!! Im not going to sugar coat it. You are an idiot. She did not deserve it. She was not at fault. I have a lot of guy friends, some older. I have hung out w/ them alone plenty of times. Why couldn't she hang out w/ someone she thought was her friend? She did not set her self up!!!! I have an idea for you to improve your intelligents and empathy, go to a rape crisis center. See how many women have trouble coming to terms with their rape. I have met girls who were raped by their ex's and didn't even realize it, until they were older and more mature.
Never ever say a woman set her self up, or is at fault. No woman ask a man to take something from them. I don't care if she was going over there hoping something may happen. Once she said no, he should had backed off. He was the only one at fault, adn the only one to blame, Period!!!!!
While I don't agree with Bar's comment, I don't condone being sexist. Attacking men's cerebral ability doesn't do anything to support the argument.
That being said, I agree that when she said no, it meant no.
It does not matter how old the male or female is. If she says no, it's rape. Even if it is her dad, or her sibling, or her cousin, or her parent's best friend, or her sibling's best friend, or some guy she never met, it is still rape and it is not her fault.
Also, if he says no, that is also rape. Women can rape men. In that case, it is not the man's fault that he was raped.
The blame game is of no use here. These are open ideals. She went to the apartment expecting an intimate situation and that's what she gots. Men are animals just like us. All of us has our needs.
"You set yourself up for it to happen"
She no more set herself up to be raped than trees set themselves up to be cut down to make paper. Humans are gregarious. We interact with other people. Sometimes those people are older or younger, taller or shorter, lighter or darker, lean or heavy, male or female. Just because she existed in the same space does not mean she was at fault for someone violating her.
There are always risks involved in meeting people and making friendships. If you had a friend that you thought you could trust and they stole your TV from your house while you were using the toilet, is it your fault for letting them come into your house?
If you never put yourself at risk for any harm, you will be living in a plastic bubble. I can't see that lasting very long. You wouldn't be able to trust anyone to bring you food. If anyone even knew where you were, they could come do harm to you in your sleep. That doesn't seem very "real" to me.
Age should have nothing to do with it. The ability of a person to be able to control their base instincts and respect another person's right to be safe and remain in control of their own body is all that matters.
In this circumstance *he* raped a girl. He showed no self control over his sexual desire, and took away another persons right to be safe. That is the only thing that should be considered. Age is meaningless.
Cathii
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Those who know everything have learned little from life.
Not everyone recognizes rape right away. I have a friend who was raped, and for about a month afterwards, she just said, "I had sex." She didn't realize it was rape until I told her that her parents could press charges against him for statutory rape because of the fact that she was a minor and he wasn't. Some people just don't want to admit that it can happen to them, and some are afraid that they'll be hurt if they admit it to someone. Also, it is hard to "pick your friends wisely," as you put it. Many sexual offenders are perfectly capable of acting like normal people, and are very good at talking people into doing things they normally wouldn't do. It's really hard to tell whether or not someone will attack you in that way, which is one of the main reasons I don't date. The one relationship I've had was very awkward, and I would rather just avoid the whole ordeal entirely.
I'm sorry, I don't put consensual sex, statutory rape or not, on the same level as rape. Two people having sex when both say yes is perfectly ok. A man putting a drug into a woman's drink so he can convince her to let him into her pants is not. To me, the two are worlds apart.
~C
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any girl should be able to be along with a guy no matter how old the man and not be in fear of him rapping her.
the man control his actions regardless of how old the young lady is.
even if a girl is rolling around in the guys bed naked
if she says no
and doesn't want to have sex.
IT'S RAPE
Excuse me, but you are very, very wrong. She was NOT at fault. He was a friend. Are you honestly telling me that you would not go over to a friend's house if asked, whether he was male or not? 5 years difference is not very much. Many of my best friends are much older than I am, and many are younger. One of my best guy friends is 4 years younger. I would never hurt him, and if the situation was reversed I know he would never hurt me.
My best friend was raped by her boyfriend. Repeatedly. She did not know how to get out. Regardless of whether she COULD have gotten out, she didn't know how, she didn't think she could, and she was NOT at fault. He made the mistake. He stole from her what she was not ready to give, and the same thing happened with lulu moran, but with a friend rather than a boyfriend.
Do not tell ANY rape victim that they are at fault, even in the slightest bit, because it is a lie and it is excusing what the rapist did, whether it is meant like that or not.
-Anne Michelle
No, you're not keeping anything real. Rape is rape, period. Anytime someone forces sex upon another person, regardless of age difference, being at a friend's house, or any other factor, rape is NOT the woman's fault. Have you ever been alone in a room with a teacher? A boss? An older friend, sibling, or relative? People are raped by others whom they are close to every day. In addition, I see no reason why a 17-year old and 22-year old cannot be alone together. This is not a very big age difference.
I love abortion. Read more here:
http://progressiveu.org/044921-i-love-abortion-even-if-it-murder
It is never the fault of the person who was raped. No one decides they want to be raped and being in a certain place at a certain time is unfortunate, but no their fault.
All blame is put on the rapist(as it should be) Men and women who rape people are evil. Some may actually be sick, but that still isn't an excuse.
Rape is sadly an all too common thing. I have been raped and I know that at least a quarter of my closest friends have been raped. It is true that I live in a high risk community, but it still wasn't my fault. Sadly it took over 15 years for me to not only understand that but to actually believe that it was true.
The one thing I would critique you on is the fact that you seem to imply that it is only women that are raped. I don't think that you believe that to be true but that is what is implied especially in the 2nd last paragraph.
I have a few male friends that have also been raped and the shame and guilt and feeling of responsibility seems to be just as great if not greater than how I felt.
Rape is only *your* fault if you are the rapist, the victim must never be blamed.
Cathii
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Those who know everything have learned little from life.
I seriously think that a 17 year old girl at to the apartment of a 22 year old man is looking for nothing but a good, old-fashioned raping. I say this with compassion. I was 14 when I attracted my first rape, it was something I really wanted. If it comes across as unusual, add to that the fact that it was a family member very close to me who I made do it. I went back for more and more and more until I ended up having a mongoloid baby with Downy (Sp?) syndrome and then another perfect child with no such hideous disfigurement although he was my brother's child and the first one was an uncles. My brother is also retarded so I do chalk a lot of that up to his bad jeans.
All of you are very brave. I don't think that 17 and 22 got pregnant, although that was the obvious original intent for that poor girl. I can't really talk about mine is such detail yet. But, I can share that I been eating myself into an ugly undesirable blob, hoping no one will be attracted to me enough to rape me ever again. I even hate that r word. I just laid there on my stomach as I was used. Then I was slapped in the back of my head with my own hairbrush...very hard...over and over, "like it? like it? like it?" ...like a drum on my skull and elsewhere. I am so upset and of course i will now turn to food. I went through an entire 8 pc grocery store chicken dinner and a box of Cinnabons from the mall (my product of rape is now 17 and she works there, not down syndrome as I didn't know my attacker) I wish I had half of your courage.
How could you think something like that, especially about yourself? People may want attention, but not rape. The two are not the same thing.
Um if you made him do it then you raped him...Women can rape men. And um that's just wrong. I suggest some psychiatric help.
"I am a Stephens Woman."
I was molested and it took years for me to come to terms to it. I'm proud of you and your strength.
"I am a Stephens Woman."
Many times I see the same act to where the girls are making excuses for themselves to place the blame of rape on them instead of the rapist. This is such a sensitive subject and should never be handled lightly. You cannot just accept the terms of the rape. This is such a damaging social barrier to rape victims. Once an act such as rape has been executed, it is a slow phasing process to mentally and physically heal from. I urge any one not to hold to themselves as it will create extensive damage later in life.
I was raped A year ago by my bestfriend.
We had been friends for about two year.
He was always just a friend and nothing more.
So when we went to go work on a project at his house I thought nothing of it.
He said he had the stuff upstairs so I followed.
Thinking nothing of it up to his bed room.
I had been up there befor with nothing happening.
But that time it was different.
And so my very bestfriend raped me and I'll never be the same.
So I understand....
I totally understand your situation here. I was also raped by a friend and what was an ex boyfriend. I ahted him but i tried to renew our friendship. I invited him over to my house one day while my father was at work. I blamed myself. I said "It was my fault for trying to be friends again." and "It was my fault i wore that skirt." but ive come to realize after two years that it wasn't my fault. I was merely too weak to push him off. I was too weak to get my hands from his grasp. I have had the ability to say "I was raped" and i honor your ability to stand up and say it. Many can not.
Is Baretta progressive or just a woman hater? (I'm referring to the jerk that implied being raped was any of the victims fault.)
It's not your fault.
Don't listen to judgemental stupid people who have never experienced what you did. There are too many women who have been effected by rape and have a personal understanding of what you've been through, and have the abilty to help you get through your feelings about it.
Again, whatever anybody says...it's not your fault.