Well, This is Weirdly Normal: Day 20

I can't believe it's been 20 days since I've been here.

19 days without my "behavior".

10 days until I'm "free." I put quotes around free because I'm doing the transitional thing. I think. I'm pretty sure. I know it doesn't seem like I'm any closer to a decision, but I am. I want to know at least by Monday. I think it's because we're getting a new girl on Monday which means....ANGIE GETS A ROOMMATE!!

Oh, joy. If I decide that she's driving me FUCKING INSANE, I might reconsider staying. But I probably won't. I know how I am.

So, today. Day 20. Day 20 was AMAZING. I'm not sure exactly why, but I felt normal...ALL DAY. It was also the first day (actually, maybe the second, but I don't remember why this would've happened before) that I SHOWERED RIGHT AWAY. No more hanging out in my PJ's all day. Don't worry, I haven't abandoned my love of lounge wear. We were just going to be out all day, and even in my current hippie lifestyle, I have limits on just how unhygienic I'll allow myself to be.

Not only did I shower right away, I WORE MAKEUP. Hello, recovery! While I was eating breakfast, I didn't really think "I put too much cereal in my bowl. I ate too much! Ahhh!" I was just...not thinking about food.

And then we went to the OA meeting, which normally causes me extreme depression because EVERYONE there seems to speak of nothing but their constant relapses. And I admit, I did need the stress ball that Nicola passed to me mid-meeting, but compared to be for, I was very calm. And after the meeting, we got Starbucks, which speaks for itself.

Today something happened that has not occured for 20 days: I SAW LYSSA!! Thank God that girl always locks herself out of the apartment and that Erica is 4 hours away in Bakersfield, leaving her no choice but to pick the key up from me!! I think running at her and jumping into her arms with my crazy afro (it was surprisingly rainy today) scared her a little, but I was quite ecstatic :).

I had a thought today: I think it was while I was eating. It was at lunch and I was eating a bagel, which usually would stress me out. But I thought "I don't fucking care." And it wasn't one of those "I don't fucking care I'm gonna eat everything and barf it up" type of thoughts, it was "I'm NOT going to gain fifty pounds from eating this. Who the fuck cares?"

WHO THE FUCK CARES.

Were more beautiful words ever spoken? I think not.

Maybe it's just because I'm in a good mood, but I'm starting to think there really is a reason for me being here. In California, in San Diego, at HG. Maybe it was so I could meet Nicola. It's crazy to think that two people from across the world have so many thoughts and worries and fears in common. And she can always tell when I'm upset. ALWAYS. But like I said, maybe it's just because I am an extremely obvious person.

Sometimes, if I'm in a good mood, I'll test myself to see if I'm REALLY happy or not. Call me a masochist, but I try to do things that if I were in a crappy mood or depressed, would make me feel even crappier or more depressed. I was at the gym yesterday, and I was feeling good. Maybe I was scared it was the Ed since I was exercising, so I decided to test it. I put on a song--one of THOSE songs--the ones that I banned from my eardrums and swore I would NEVER listen to again. And you know what?? I DIDN'T CARE! I was like "I like this song. WAIT A MINUTE!" It didn't cause me stress or anxiety. It actually brought back some good memories.

You know how when someone dies, you mourn them for a while, but eventually start remembering the good times? I feel like this is what happened. It's over, it's done, and I've been fine with that for a while now, but just knowing that I truly, TRULY am okay with it makes me so much happier.

I think that digging up shit that I tried to suppress may be what's helping. I've been so ANGRY at so many people and things and situations that have fucked me over and upset me for the past 5 months and before. Acknowledging that anger and trying to let it go has been helping.

In a sick way, I kind of LIKE stressful situations now. Because I get stressed and can't act on my behaviors. I have to learn other ways of coping. Like today, during my mini-anxiety attack at the OA meeting, I took out my journal and just starting writing. I don't do this a lot, seeing as I'm completely too lazy to reach into my purse and get it, but I thought "Fuck it. Let's see if this helps." And it DID. By the end of writing, I was like "Yeeeeeaaah, who feels good?! Me, baby, that's who!!"

I don't know why I share these things with the public.

So I have 10 more days of "structure", of rigid regulations, of "have-to's". Even if I do the transitional thing, I can pretty much do whatever I want, but just get the support I need. That alone scares me, but it's going to happen eventually and I just know I need to get through it.

The only thing that has gotten me this far has been my stubbornness. I have been more doubtful and pissed off and depressed and anxious and hopeless about this situation than I have about anything else in my life. But I'm still doing it, as much as I write and bitch and complain about how I can't and won't and how it isn't possible to overcome, but it IS. The staff here is living proof of it. If someone can overcome anorexia AND alcoholism, then I can definitely do this.

I'm extremely lucky. For the friends I have and the gifts and opportunities I've been given. I think, for some fucked up reason that only God knows, this is something that was meant to happen, and I am meant to get over it. To get through it.

And I will. My stubbornness wouldn't allow anything less.