inadequate...

don't even know where to beging in all this. there's absolutely no way to say this....

well, yesterday while i was getting ready to go to church with Tony, my mom was pretty upset at me for going. i don't know what it is about it, but i have a feeling she feels threatened by me going off into the world, in a direction other than hers. i've been catholic since before i was born. and i've always realized that she never truly wanted me to go off to another church or religion. Tony is christian. and for some reason i feel that she isn't a big fan of any other religion other than being a catholic. that is what she brought me up to learn and that is what i should stick to. not even with my grandmother's decision to become a born-again christian she fully supports. oh well, i loved it, and if that's what i see myself doing, which i do, then alright. but for now, i will continue going to both churches...

for some odd reason, i felt that yesterday i just had to go. no matter what. i had to go to church. there was just something about yesterday, and i just had to go. Tony had to leave early to go to *Micheal Rutledge's* memorial at his home, so i stayed. i wanted to be there. i felt like i was meant to be there.

when we began service, i couldn't help but sing my heart out to the Lord and just close my eyes and imagine myself in heaven. i didn't care who saw or who heard, but i felt it in my heart and i knew i was there to sing to God and to praise him. i even carried James and sang to him. "how great is our God?" i can't even begin to imagine how great he is. but yesterday was so incredible, i felt God's presence circling around everyone and embracing each and every one of us. for a while, i couldn't help but just take a look at this precious baby in my arms and think, "James is a miracle of God. We are all miracles of God."

we left church and as i said good-bye to everyone, i knew God was still with me. as i said bye to Tony's dad, he hugged me and told me that God loved me and kissed my forehead. it was with such compassion. i felt loved. loved by the fatherly-figure i have waiting to have for so long. and just like that, i walked out of the church. touched, embraced by an angel of God.

i almost sensed something was wrong as i walked into the house. everyone was in their own worlds, as always. i walked into my parents' room to let them know i was home and all he said was, "turn on the light." it was then that it started: the yelling and the ranting about how i shouldn't have left and all this junk about never being home and always having something to do. that i never have time for my family and that i'm always too busy doing stuff with raiderettes, orchestra, mariachi, church, homework and everything else. like it's my fault. all of those things beat out having to stay here, not even being listened to. it's not like they even make the slightest effort to talk to me or see what's going on in my life and somehow this is my fault? it's my fault that my dad's never home and always doing something more important when he's not working. is it my fault that my mother no longer takes the time to even let me talk to her about the things that i need help with the most.

i have no one to talk to. no one to turn to. i keep to myself so much even when i know i shouldn't. i'm too scared to get close to someone. to allow my heart to be out off reach from me grasp. but it's too late now. it's too late to take anything back. that's when they said it. "leave. if you don't want to be here, then fine. leave. get a bag, put your things in it and go. we don't need you here. you're old enough to take care of yourself now. go on, get a job and finish building your life. leave. just go. you never do anything productive with your life. you're obviously not gonna get anywhere with your grades. just leave. pack your bags and go."

i'm only seventeen years old, what the heck am i supposed to do? run from them when i know i need their love. scream out to them and tell them that you're sorry for doing something that you never did. apoligize for some stupid lie that they forked over? so that's it, just like that they're going to kick me out of my house... for what, for going to church, for leaving, for always being busy with homework... what? i don't understand. i'm taking AP classes, im an A-B student, im in concurrent enrollment, im at the top of my class, i have great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, i do well in school... what more do they want? i don't understand. at first i thought they were joking around, but through all the yelling, i knew they weren't joking.

they don't want me here. no one wants me here. all i have is me. and not even i can look to that. it just hurts so much to even think that my parent's honestly don't care about me or what i do. my heart aches, and my stomach churns. i haven't eaten in i don't know how long, but nothing seems to matter anymore. nothing else is important other than that i can honestly say now, my parent's don't love me anymore...

"She is running, a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction. She is trying, but the canyon’s ever widening in the depths of her cold heart. So she sets out on another misadventure just to find, she’s another two years older and she’s three more steps behind. Does anybody hear her, can anybody see? Oh, does anybody even know she’s going down today, under the shadow of our people, with all the lost and lonely people, searching for a hope that’s tucked away in you and me? Oh, does anybody hear her, can anybody see? She is yearning for shelter and affection that she never found at home. She is searching, for a hero to ride in, to ride in and save the day. And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say, moment to realize a reason and she gives herself away. Does anybody hear her, can anybody see? Oh, does anybody even know she’s going down today, under the shadow of our people, with all the lost and lonely people, searching for a hope that’s tucked away in you and me? Oh, does anybody hear her, can anybody see? If judgment looms under every steeple, with lofty glances, from lofty people, can’t see past her scarlet letter, and we’ve never even met her. If judgment looms under every steeple, with lofty glances, from lofty people, can’t see past her scarlet letter, and we’ve never even met her. Does anybody hear her, can anybody see? Oh, does anybody even know she’s going down today, under the shadow of our people, with all the lost and lonely people, searching for a hope that’s tucked away in you and me? Oh, does anybody hear her, can anybody see? Does anybody hear her, can anybody see? Oh, does anybody even know she’s going down today, under the shadow of our people, with all the lost and lonely people, searching for a hope that’s tucked away in you and me? Oh, does anybody hear her, can anybody see? He is running, a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction…"

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