I swear to god, all that binging and purging fucked me up. For more reasons than the obvious. Now, whenever I eat the tiniest bit of sugar, I feel like I'm going into a fucking COMA.
It was dessert night tonight, and the weapon of choice was chocolate chip cookies (which, I'm pretty sure we were supposed to have two, but the staff member each gave us only one. And hey! Who am I to question a professional??). After eating it, I have a huge headache and just want to pass out. Which I will, as soon as I watch some episodes of the Golden Girls.
Some good news: I FELT NORMAL AGAIN TODAY!!! It's very dis concerning, this feeling of normalness. I still worry about my weight and the food and all that, but it seems like the fog from my mind is clearing away and I'm starting to see things in the proper perspective again.
Today was crazy. It was amazing, but now I'm completely drained (but once again, it could be the cookie's fault). I think I'm becoming a bad influence. When Nicola was feeling stressed, my first suggestion was "Let's break something." After deciding that we simply had too many small white plates and white coffee mugs, I took one of each and went out with Nicola to the pool. Nicola had the mug, I had the plate. I was quite disappointed that my anger didn't seem to resonate with the plate, as it did NOT EVEN GET A SCRATCH on it after I flung it like a frisbee towards the fence. It worked so much better a couple of weeks ago when we did this in the driveway. I was convinced my plate must be bulletproof until Nicola took it and shattered that shit like there was no tomorrow. The coffee mug she had her hands on isn't too pretty anymore, either, if you catch my drift.
I also apparently don't know how to work a laminating machine, since I'm pretty sure I broke ours today. I was feeding something into it, when all of a sudden it started groaning and smelled like smoke. It never came out the other side. Oops.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I wake up super early and can't fall back asleep. And I always wake up with a really bad stomachache. That's what happens when I'm nervous or excited or scared. I don't know if I'm dreading school starting or what.
I've been noticing though that for the past few days I haven't really been thinking about Ed. It's crossed my mind, obviously, like a million times, but it's less than the 3 million times it crossed my mind before. I don't want to get too overconfident and be like "Yeah, I'm finished, baby! No more worries for me!" because I am worried about it. Which is why, even after feeling more like myself than I have in a long while, I still want to do the transitional program. I still don't trust myself enough to be without any structure and have total independence yet.
We went to another AA meeting tonight. God fucking damn do I hate those things. This one was HUGE, and the guy reading the 12 steps had a cracking voice that made him sound like he was going through puberty. Nicola and I found this extremely hilarious for some reason. After passing the stress ball back and forth for a while (stress ball=love), we decided that AA could go FUCK itself and that we were going outside. This seemed like a good idea until we realized that it was freezing and raining out. We found this empty room and started throwing the stress ball back and forth--which I'm pretty sure would be considered a forbidden form of exercise, but I didn't really care. I was doing it for therapeutic reasons (mostly).
Lori just came in my room to tell me about a guy she's dating. It's so crazy. In any other situation, I would never have become friends with actual adults. But in here, the staff, the other residents, we're all on the same level. At the risk of sounding like an extremely bad episode of the ever-gay "7th Heaven", it's a really cool thing. We're all so different yet we have this huge thing that bonds us together.
I want to be able to help people some day. And maybe it's my love for the greatest cinematic masterpiece of all time--"Dead Poets Society"--but I've had this inkling to become a high school English teacher. English is my bitch, and I could work with teenagers. Not little kids though. Fuck. They drive me nuts.
I'm supposed to make a welcome sign for my roommate tomorrow. We make one for everybody coming into the house, and I remember being so happy to get mine. I was feeling like shit, and just to see this big bright sign with a painted sun that says ANGIE! made me smile. I hope my roommate's not a psycho. Or weird. Or loud. Or annoying. I'm kind of hoping she's mute and stays out of our room all the time, except to sleep. She can sleep downstairs if she wants, I won't protest.
I got into the 20's!!! 20 days without any behaviors. This excites me mucho!! I remember struggling so hard to get into the double digits, and now I'm not a teenager anymore!! Well, anorexically speaking.
Usually at this time of night is when I hear Ed trying to talk to me. I hear something tonight too. But this time, it sounds more like the Golden Girls theme song. :-)
