September 15, 2008, 8:20-ish am:
Me (in my head): Hmm, it's morning
Ed: You're fat
Me: Uck. I should get up. I have to leave for kickboxing soon.
Ed: You need the exercise. Get up, fat ass. What are you waiting for? Oh, and by the way, you're the fattest one in the class. Just to let you know. Why are you still laying there?!? I SAID GET UP!!!!!
I AM GOING INSANE.
Seriously. IT NEVER STOPS. Yeah, the days I don't binge and purge are good. But then it's the other side of me that comes out, the YOU MUST EXERCISE FOR 3 HOURS and "Why don't you choose that 80 calorie yogurt over the 90 calorie one? Believe me, you need to save all the calores you can!" voice that comes out and it's just a constant presence all day long.
I need a thought turner-offer. No matter what I do, unless I'm sleeping, I can't get away from it. It is always, ALWAYS there. Add to the fact all the thinthinthin people I see walking around campus--I was about to call the hospital today after seeing a HUMAN SKELETON walking to her car this morning--it's even worse. And how, in kickboxing, these two girls start talking about how they need to lose weight (ummm....no you don't) but they just eat bad stuff, I literally have to clench my mouth shut so I don't start screaming. I am SO JEALOUS of these girls. They are PERFECT, in my opinion. They're perfect because they're not scary skinny; they're thin, muscular, and fit. They look healthy and beautiful and happy and I'm thinking "Motherfucker. What I wouldn't give to be one of them."
I think I binge and purge just so the restrictive side of me stops talking for a goddamn minute. And vice versa. The only way to get one of them to stop is to listen to the other one.
One of the many reasons why CALIFORNIA IS THE BEST PLACE ON EARTH! according to my father, was that we would be together! We could celebrate the fact that we're father and daughter! We could buy Best Friend Forever bracelets and I would go to "Take Your Daughter to Work Day!" We could sing songs and paint pictures and just be so goshdarn happy that we're THISCLOSE.
I didn't even see the fucker this weekend. I was gone all day Saturday, and yesterday I spent being sick and sleeping. I realized "Gee. I never even SEE my dad," yet in his mind, because my car is in the driveway and there's a light on in my room and nonfat soymilk in the fridge, then everything's okay because I'm here. He told Ed Lady, and I quote: "It's lonely in the house without her."
Lonely?? LONELY?!?! Not to be modest, but WHAT DO I CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOUSEHOLD??? Other than my "Friends--The Complete Second Season" DVDs in the living room, you wouldn't even know I was here!
My brain hurts. I've been exhausted lately. Maybe it's because I'm sick. But I'm starting to feel better. Yet I feel so physically tired that my body just says sleep, sleep, sleep.
I'm still sick of school. All my classes are driving me crazy. I went on ratemyprofessor.com the other day just for kicks, and apparently my geology teacher likes to make his tests impossible to pass. Since I haven't read ONE WORD out of the book yet, I figure, Why study? I'm gonna fail the test anyways. Might as well not waste any time reading!!
Heh heh.
I'm thinking I could get a two year degree. I don't know exactly what I could do with that. I was like "Hmm....nursing!" just because I know you can do that with an associate's degree. But I'm thinking my absolute hatred for anything science related and the thought of dissecting a dead body or whatever it is they do in nursing school makes me want to hurl, I'm thinking that's not the right career path. I think I really want to be a school guidance counseler, but obviously that requires more schooling. But this way, I could talk to kids who really need it and can't afford or don't want to tell their parents they need a therapist and they could do it while they're at school. I doubt it makes a lot of money, but I could really give a shit about that. Money is the last thing that leads to happiness--and as materialistic as I am, even I know this.
Besides, with the way things are going, I'm never going to go clothes shopping again, and I haven't even worn eyeshadow in about 2 months. I may look like shit, but at least I'm saving money!!
Damn. All this writing has left me exhausted. A mid-morning nap sounds like a fabulous idea.
