Tonight I did something I have not done since coming to HG, and I have NO idea why:
HOT TUB, BABY!!
Ahhh, there's nothing like being in a swimsuit outside in the middle of January. At first I was concerned about being in a swimsuit--like I always am--but then I realized "Fuck it! Who am I kidding? We ALL have eating disorders!" It was quite a shock getting in, however, as someone had not bothered to TURN THE HEAT ON. FUCK. There is NOTHING like getting into a cold-ass hot tub in the middle of the night.
So today I was all worried about my parents. I was dreading it so much I even did LAUNDRY to calm my mind. You know I'm distressed when I resort to chores for their therapeutic effects. Then I call my mom and found out my dad is too sick to drive down here.
Oh, damn. Imagine my disappointment!
I spent most of the day doing homework for Human Sexuality. Most of what I did isn't due for awhile, but it was so interesting I couldn't stop. Tee hee. I better get a fucking A in this class. Some of the videos we have to watch online are quite explicit, though. I must say, I was taken aback when viewing a video on this device that measures mens' arousal. And they showed it. IT! I was SO thankful Aimee was out today and therefor not privy to what must have looked like an internet porn session.
A class I WON'T be getting an A in, however, is Financial Accounting. A spreadsheet? What the FUCK is that? We had this assignment that, once we submit, gets graded instantly. And needless to say, I failed.
I FAILED THE FIRST HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT.
Do I care about liabilities and equity? Maybe if I knew what they were I could. But I don't know, and therefore I cannot possibly care about them.
Tonight was a challenge meal night, which I cooked with Barb. And honestly, I'm at the point where I feel like I don't even care anymore. I don't feel the need to supress my feelings with food and then violently get rid of it or to restrict myself because it makes me feel good. I admit, when I was worried about my parents coming, I thought "I wish I could just NOT eat. That would feel SO GOOD." What was my logic behind that, exactly? I have no idea. But the idea was fleeting and not all-encompassing. Yay for progress!
I still think I look better very thin, though. I can't help it. I don't know if it's Ed or what, but I'll look at recent pictures and think "Yeah, I was very unhealthy. But I looked good!" But it's basically just an observation. The desire to get back to that isn't as strong. Which is also a plus, I guess.
We got to watch the Super Bowl today. Which nobody really cared about, especially me, since Green Bay wasn't in it, but we did catch the half time show. And let me just say: I LOVE TOM PETTY. TP is THE MAN! He kind of seemed a little bit medicated, in my opinion. It's weird; when people say "Did you see the halftime show at the Super Bowl this year?" I can say "You bet I did!" I've been out of the loop for so long it's shocking to actually be INFORMED about the outside world.
Aimee went shopping today. I really admire her for this. I have yet to face this fear. I remember last year, shopping was such a treat. Every time I went, I wore a smaller size than I did the last time I went. I know it shouldn't matter, the size or whatever. But it still FREAKS me out. I think everyone's Ed reels them in in different ways. For some people, it's the weight on the scale. Since I never weigh myself, this was never really an issue. For me, it's definitely the clothes size thing. Right when I get that "LET'S RECOVER!" attitude, I think "But wait!!! That might mean bigger sizes! Never mind!"
I just have to get over it. If I go up a size, then I'll go up. I'll still be the same person--in fact, I hope I'll be a BETTER person. I want to be free of this mental obsession. I want to be the old me. Because, excuse me for saying this, but she was AWESOME. She didn't lie. She didn't obsess about imperfections or hide her feelings or manipulate people to fuel her disorder. And to be like that again? Damn. I can't think of anything in the world I want more.
And hey! My birthday's coming up. That would be a pretty kick ass present.
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