My friend who passed away on August 6th of this year, that is.
I have been thinking about her alot of course. She was in the church band with me. She worked with me. She was a fellow fan of The Who. And I didn't know she was as depressed as she was. She never seemed to be. But I should've seen the signs.
The dream seemed to open with me finding out I could go back to when I first met her and relive those days. Of course, it was in a dream world so it was nothing like our first meeting after I returned from a service trip to Africa. But I was more affectionate now than I had been. I was hugging her and trying to make her laugh every second...
I'll never know if that would've helpd cause the dream ended rather abruptly. I can't even remember how it ended. But I keep thinking, there must've been something I could've done.
I'm not certain it was definitely a suicide now because, all though they found a note, there were also signs of an aneurisym. It was most likely suicide... God, it hurts to think about it.
I remember finding out too. It was the day after playing a service with her and I had called the pastor to find out if he had gotten the money for my friend in Africa's bicycle and he just told me "Oh yes, Laura died." I was numb from the shock because I had just seen her. As events unfolded it seemed more and more like a suicide. I wanted to believe it was an accident... that she just took one too many of her meds and didn't intend to... but it wasn't...
I have had dreams about talking to her ever since... and no matter how many times she says I shouldn't feel guilty about it... that there was nothing I could've done... I still feel these terrible pangs of guilt.. like I could've called her and noticed she was upset... noticed she was planning this...
But I didn't.
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It's not your fault, and it sounds like you were a really good friend to her and cared a lot. There is no easy way to ease the pain from a loss, and I know saying I'm sorry doesn't make things any easier, I am sorry. I hope your friend is at peace now, and I hope you will come to cherish the memories and time you did have together and realize that she probably really did value your friendship.
Cheers
I do have some pretty great memories. I know her husband said she talked about me all the time.....
my eyes watered as i read this. i can sort of relate to your situation except nothing extreme as death has happened yet. Now i'm scared. thank you for writing this. I'll be kinder, appreciative, and loving to my friend from now on.
It seems like she's around when she's not. I'm sorry to here about that and it seems like the person that told you wasnt very nice! It really isn't your fault though. You seemed to be a really good friend and I wish I knew somebody who cared as much as you. Keep your head up because your a really good person who seems very affectionate.
**PhYL!c!a**
It is so great to hear that you care so much, and I am so sorry that you had to go through such a loss. You want the honest truth?
I'm a christian, and i've been involved in the worship band in my church for years. A while ago, I lost a friend and became very depressed. I was able to cover it up to most people, except for the few i let see what i was really going through, but to everyone else I was the happy go lucky cute chick who sang onstage. Sectrely I had been contimplating suicide for quite a while. I had began cutting myself and fell into a world that hardly anyone knew I was struggling with. Thankfully, I got help in the nick of time and one of the few that knew decided to tell on me to my parents so I didnt have to deal with it on my own anymore. When people found out they were completely shocked, and a few didnt even believe that I could've done such a thing to myself behind closed doors.
Your friend was probably going through so many things that she never realy felt that she wanted to burden anyone else with it, so she struggled through it on her own. I know that type of mindset that I used to get in, and believe me there was nothing that you couldve done about it. The love that I had been shown during that period of time, even tho they had no idea that I was even dealing with depression, was so great... but it wasn't good enough to stop me from doing what I did. It was her decision.. and hers alone. You dont have to live with that pain of guilt or any other feeling of loss, because its in the Lords hands. I truly hope that she rests in peace, and that you will be able to overcome this loss and find joy. Remember the good times that you had with her.