Have you ever been stuck in the position where you are trapped with 2 people who baby talk, fondle each other, rave about how perfect each other are and of course have those silly arguements? (ie: your so pretty! no I'm not... YES you are! ect....) Of course you have, but imagine that with your best friend and their other half. Slightly worse, right? Probably. It gets even worse when you hate the guy or girl they are with. Ecspecially when you know that they are a not so good boyfriend/girlfriend. So like a good friend you warn you friend, but alas only to be told how sweet and charming their other half is. Then when things get bad, you could end up with the blame. So why, you might be thinking, would I even bother? One reason is because you can't see what goes on behind closed doors. Your bestfriend and her oh-so-sweet boyfriend could be having fist fights and even worse, what if she was so "in love" with this person, so desperate to save them that she wouldn't listen to anybody? What lengths would you go to for your best friend?
If you knew a boyfriend or girlfriend or even a spouse of your best friend was abusive, what would you do? Would you beg? plead? Tell the police? I honestly don't know what I would do. I think I would try and talk to them as a friend and tell them the most honest and unhurtful way I could. Even with this approach some friends take the defensive and close their emotions off to you. How do you help someone who isnt ready to help themselves. Simple, you don't. You can't. I believe that unless the friend is ready to admit their is a problem and is willing to fix it you are going to be just wasting your breath. You may have to wait until they figure it out or decide they need help.
Another common reason people stay with abusers is that they possibly feel they need to help this person. A person who is dating someone abusive could convince themselves that they can change their significant other. They believe that they need to save them from themselves and that this can only be achieved by sticking around and loving them no matter what. A good solution to this is get them to talk to other abuse victims or try and convince them to attend group therapy sessions. This can open their eyes and help them see that you cannot change a persons inner self. Or if they refuse this give them a reason, that involves someone elses welfare. (ie, think of how the way your boyfriend acts affects your child.) you can use pets, friends, family, children even you. It can help them see the effect that the abuse has, not just on them, but on the other people in their life. Show them the ripple effect of the events in their life. Maybe it will help change their mind.
Altogether you cannot force a person to leave someone but you can help them when they decide to. Give them every way possible to help them get out. They are having a hard enough time just leaving, nevermind worrying about where to go. Even though you can't make a decision for someone you can help them when they decide to make it or you can give them a reason to make it. I wouldn't leave my friend to suffer in an abusive relationship, would you?
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The first question to ask is whether it's truly abusive. Just because YOU don't like the person your friend is with doesn't mean that person is abusive. I can give the impression of being a serial killer to some; to others, a crazy guy who still hasn't figured out where he is; to still more others, an entirely straight-laced-boring guy. It depends on how much time you're willing to spend getting to know me.
If you're sure this is, indeed, an abusive relationship, then do what it takes to let her no that a violent boyfriend ISN'T normal, right, or even deserved. Creeps like that don't love anyone but themselves.
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If a society is willing to give freedom for temporary security, they deserve neither.
Creeps like that don't even love themselves! That is a huge reason for lashing out at others, we all do it to some degree.
As for your friend, if he is truly abusing her -- you've heard how he talks to her, or have seen bruises -- the best thing you can do is love her. Love her more than he does. Hopefully she will what love really is and kick him to the curb. If not, reiterate that abusive relationships are bad, that she deserve more and she knows it. But only bring up these topics when she is openly discussing them or the abuse is apparant and she cannot deny that you know. Otherwise, continual persistance without provocation will only push her further to him.
In my experience, they do. They love themselves so much that nobody else can compare; so they must harm them. Note that those who are the abusers in relationships aren't just abusing their partners - they are doing other things to other people, generally.
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If a society is willing to give freedom for temporary security, they deserve neither.
There was a time period where my bf was going through some stuff and he thought I was cheating on top of it, and I was NOT but everything else was going so horribly that he just couldnt handle the fact that maybe someone did love him. Anyway anytime he thought I was flirting with a guy he would get angry and scream at me and shake me. But I didnt want to break up with him because I knew that he needed me to show him that someone would be with him no mattter what. Instead, I told his sister what was up and she told his parents and he got counsiling, and I stayed with him the whole time of his counsling period...and he hasnt shook me or gotten that angry in 2 years. People can change, if they get professional help, and if they want to change.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner here.
This was actually a very good solution. I must applaud you. It's very brave to go through a boyfriend's family.
Would you suggest this to a friend of someone who is being shaken, beaten, etc.? I'm personally not in the situation, but it might be a good answer to offer for this thread.
He got really angry that i told his sister. he felt betrayed. I think he is still upset about that. But i think it was the best choice. his mom already hated me, so i did not want to go directly to her, and he and his dad were really close, so that would REALLY have been betraying him. But his sister was a year older than i, one younger than him, and we were close, so it was the best route. his mom knew that if she believed me, then it was not a lie. not to mention there was no way he could lie about it, several of our friends had seen him do it before.
Just because someone is not ready to listen does not mean that you would be "wasting your breath" by telling them to get out of the relationship. Never sit idly by if a person is being abused.
Some people get off on control. Men who abuse usually are like that. I know from personal experience. If your friend is like me, she might have been abused as a child and no one helped. I believed for years that no one cared or would help if I asked so I kept quiet. Be there for her, don't let the creep run her off!! Make sure she knows you love her.
Some people get off on control. Men who abuse usually are like that. I know from personal experience. If your friend is like me, she might have been abused as a child and no one helped. I believed for years that no one cared or would help if I asked so I kept quiet. Be there for her, don't let the creep run you off!! Make sure she knows you love her.
get them help. first youhave to make sure they want teh help
I believe this was the whole point of the debate. Exactly how do you help them? How do you get them to want the help? The question is not what to do; I believe the author of this thread already understands that something has to be done. The question is how to go about getting them help. The problem is that we already know that help is needed, but no one has a full-proof answer to the solution.
Well, my ex-best friend was in a relationship where her boyfriend didn't like me or my sister to hang out with her because he felt like she was spending more time with us than him. I didn't realize this because we went to two different high schools so the only time I saw her was after I got off work on the weekends and then I went off to school early. But when I got back I asked her why I hadn't talked to her all summer and she told me about how he was.
She broke up with him, but then he came to visit her at school. This dude got mad because she called MIKE JONES!!! 281-330-8004. That's not even his real number and he got pissed!! I tried to tell her to just leave him alone cause he was no good. But she didn't listen.
Now, I hear she's back with him again and they're moving in together or whatever. This dude's not in school, he's a wannabe gansta and those are the kind of guys she likes. I think in these kind of relationships you have to learn to love yourself first or else you're going to go out looking for love in all the wrong places.
I say absolutly do everything in your power to expose the abuse. My ex decided to go back to an extremely abusive ex husband. No amount of talking would make her see otherwise. I decided to make a website and expose her abuser for what he really is. You can never go to far when you are trying to protect someones life or the life of their children.
http://www.michellekingabuse.com/