On one side is my mom, and on the other is my dad. A photograph torn in two, unable to ever be glued back together. Divorced. What does that word even mean? Two people who were married became … unmarried? Two people who once believed they were each other’s everything. Honestly though, I wouldn’t rather have my parents together. It was a great relief to have the fighting I had to endure and listen to everyday finally cease. The police were scary. The yelling was scary. The hitting was scary. The death threats were scary. The divorce papers were scary. The leaving was scary. The crying was scary. To my 8 year old self, everything they forced each other through was scary.
I live with my mom, but she‘s getting on my nerves. Whenever these thoughts run though my head, I don’t understand myself. I feel guilty and horrible about it, because my mom is sick. Very sick. With cancer… so why would I want to get away from the woman who raised me and loved me as her child? I don’t think my friends understand me either, but my mom is just so paranoid about everything. Everything HAS to be her way, and she bans me from leaving the house simply because she says that the friends I have now aren’t worth it. She constantly lectures me about how I’ll forget these people I call “friends” in the near future. She says the only thing that really matters is college, but that’s not true. That’s actually one of the reasons my dad wanted to leave her. I’ve asked him about it, and he’s told me. He said that she worried about everything and was too controlling. I guess I do understand that.
A lot of you may disagree with me and tell me that a mom’s love is some pure holy unstained thing like that… and I would agree. It’s just too much. I don’t know what to do about it. She doesn’t let me go out, stay after school, or do anything. It’s as if I have no life. So, I lie to her. I doubt she really knows anything about me either. Wrong… I know. Still, I don’t know what else to do about it. With her, there’s no room for compromise. I think I’m just ranting here, but I feel so compressed. It’s like I have walls trying to contain me and restrain me from moving. That’s the only way I can describe this. Chains that I keep trying to break… but it’s getting hard. I have nowhere to turn anymore… My friends are hating on me because of my boyfriend. My mom’s restricting me from everything. My dad doesn’t care what happens as long as I’m still breathing. I’m confused. This post doesn’t even make much sense to me. I think I’m becoming a mental case as well. I guess we’re both at fault here…
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You may have thought this post was crazy, but I thought it was quite honest. Our inner feelings are quite irrational, aren't they?
Oh and by the way, nice screenname! Unique.
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This is a signature, an automated thingy that pops up when I comment, not a demand to see my blog!
Mind Control is Easier Than You Think
I have lived through a war that was fought in much the same way. Mom against dad from the beginning. Mom thinking I was on dad's side. I was stuck in the middle with no one to talk to, controlling mother, and a determination to make my life better.
I was stubborn and willful to a fault. It is the only way I got through 18 years of hell. I moved out with defiance only to regret it later. I left my baby brother and sister behind living the same life I did. I thought I should have been a shield for them.
In a way, this will make you stronger later. Trust me. You know what some of the things you are willing to deal with are, you can later try to understand your mom when you are free of the jail cell. People told me that feeling like you do was just "me being a teenager and not understanding". No, it is you being a person. Don't let them persuade you otherwise.
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You can't ignore me, for I'll not lie down quietly.
http://insanitek.net
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