My five-year-old charge is a princess. He loves pink and frills. Polly Pockets, Groovy Girls, and Disney princesses fill his toy box. He just had a playdate with one of his many girl friends, and he traded her a unicorn costume he had outgrown for the dress she was wearing. I let her go home in the unicorn costume, because it doesn't fit him anymore, but I made him take off her dress and I sent it home with her. He was bereft. Why couldn't I let him keep her dress for a couple of days? He's five. It's probably just a phase, right?
It's a phase that began at 18 months of age. That's when he began accessorizing. Since then, he has eschewed all things "boy" in favor of "girl" things. He wishes he had a "bagina." He wants to be a girl so he can "wear the swimsuit with both parts" and so he can have a baby in his tummy. He has girl friends almost exclusively. On the rare occasions a boy comes over to play, he dresses up as a princess, feigns utter helplessness, and lets the boy rescue him.
His parents don't make a big deal out of it. He likes what he likes, so why shame him? Shaming him into doing "boy" things won't make him enjoy "girl" things any less; it'll just make him feel bad about himself and teach him not to trust his own feelings. They buy him princesses and Groovy Girls because they love him and it makes him happy. When he wears his princess dress, his dad dances ballroom-style with him while his mom or older brother plays the piano. At parent-teacher conferences, his dad advocated for him by telling his kindergarten teacher, "Our son's gender may not match his sex. Please let us know if this leads to any teasing, and please don't try to 'correct' his preference for traditionally female pursuits."
So, as the feminist lesbian nanny, I should be over the moon about working for such an accepting, enlightened family. And I am. He is the luckiest potentially transgender kid on the planet! He is secure enough in his self-concept to stand up to people who question his choice of book, toy, or clothing. He loves his life. But I have a few problems with the situation, as well.
First of all, he is gravitating toward the stereotype of femininity, not one of female empowerment. If he were a girl, I would NEVER read him stories about Cinderella's quest to find the perfect wedding invitation (Disney has a whole series of children's books about wedding planning and impressing your prince). And yet, here I am, reading this tripe to him because I don't want to send the message that he shouldn't like feminine things. He gets enough of that from the rest of the world. This is a classic struggle between the male-to-female transgender/transexual population and the feminist lesbians, and I am already experiencing it with a five-year-old.
The other issue I have with the situation is my fear that people will blame me. I know his grandparents do, while at the same time, acknowledging that I am the best nanny they have ever seen. I'm still a...lesbian (be sure to whisper it). Surely some of that rubbed off on him. (Although if it had, he would be dressing up in sensible shoes, and not glass slippers). This fear I have keeps me from ever giving him a gift he really wants. I instead opt for gender-neutral art supplies. It keeps me from engaging in make-believe games with him, because he always wants to be "Melody," the fabulously beautiful 12-year-old sister of whatever character I am playing. I won't be Troy to his Gabriella when he breaks out the High School Musical karaoke CD. I am acting against my nannying instincts, and yet, so deep is my internalized homophobia! I limit my expressiveness and responsiveness as his caregiver to avoid being blamed for how he turns out. His older brothers got all of me. It's not fair to him.
The phenomenon I am experiencing and exhibiting is known as "stereotype threat." That means I consciously change my behavior in order to avoid reinforcing a commonly held stereotype. Even though I know that transgender and gay are not synonymous and NOT contagious, I am also aware that people confuse and merge the two, and that many people believe exposure to gay people increases the likelihood that a child will become gay. I know from personal experience and from research that these ideas are simply not true, but rather than fight the stereotype, I am bowing under the weight of them.
Why didn't I just let him keep the dress?
UPDATE: The Princess has been thinking deeply about his situation, and has had many insightful questions for me and his parents. Among them, "Would you still love me if I was a girl?" and "When I go to heaven will God make me a girl?" His mom fielded that last one, and she told him that when he gets to heaven, he won't really need to be a boy or a girl, because it is the soul that goes to heaven, and in heaven, the soul is as happy as it can possibly be. He replied, "Then my soul will be a girl in heaven." His mom went out and bought him a whole bunch of pink shirts for school, in hopes that he'll feel more comfortable than he does in his brothers' hand me downs. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that The Princess survives school without any major bullying or depression. Everyone close to him is trying so hard to prevent it! It's pretty amazing to be a part of it.
Love this blog.
I love how you explore and question, and ask your readers to question with you. You do not just blindly accept, or assume others will, because of stereotypes or any other expectations.
Keep that little Princess on a leash, and far away from Disney paraphernalia and marketing schemes. Well, except the old-school movies. They are so awesome.
I love that I can pose the question "how do I raise a happy boy who wants to be a girl?" and have people give me genuine, thoughtful suggestions.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I wish everyone had a nanny as concerned as you are.
I'll be honest with you, I am not all for homosexuality, but I do understand that people are different and I have no right to make someone conform to my personal beliefs.
I think you should contunue what you're doing. Love That Baby!!! That is all God would want you to do. If you don't belive in God, then know that is all his parents would want you to do.
A grown lady trying to ascertain knowlege for a brighter tomorrow
Being transsexual is not the same as being gay or lesbian or bi; that is a common misconception. It's important to realize gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. Gender identity is one's mental identification as male, female, or something else entirely; sexual orientation is who someone loves, is attracted to. Someone can be transsexual & heterosexual, gay, lesbian or bi; sexual orientation varies amongst transpeople as it does amongst those whose gender identity and genitals match.
--
"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
That is such an incredibly tough situation to deal with. It is hard when the child is finding a preference for all those things women have been forced to fight against (stereotype wise) and even tougher when it is a little boy.
The fact that anyone would look at you as having anything to do with the situation I find revolting. I want people to start realizing it is how you are born. You are not "guided" to the "gay side" it is inherent. This poor kid is going to have a tough time growing up and I am thankful he has such supportive parents that love him for who is he.
Keep up the awesome work!
Think about it...
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/tomorrowtoday
It seems so easy to say well, this is what you do and this is what you don't, but the world isn't that clear cut, obviously. I honestly don't know what I'd do in this situation, I suppose I'd just do what the parents want, because they are paying you to raise their child, but at the same time, maybe they don't realize that they're feeding him the stereotype. Good luck with him!
Read my blog!
i like your obvious concern for the boy, while at the same time you're trying to convey a sense of comfort to him. Obviously you may have a similar sense of what he's going to go through when he's older, scrutinized through the glasses of a social stigma, even though they are not the same thing.
maybe they should start a 1 in 10 for kids.
"to be the worst of any downfall, you have to be unable to get back up."
Fantastic blog.
I think it is really difficult being gay and having to struggle with the way the world perceives you and having to worry about your behavior being extended to all other GBLT people as well.
Having said that, the kid is five years old. While wedding plans and prince charming might not be the best material for a five year old girl of any sex, if it makes him happy then I think you can't lose much. He's too young to really understand feminism, I think, and if he gets a kick out of wedding dresses and prince charming, I think you might as well let him enjoy it. It's not going to be long before he starts being teased mercilessly by his classmates and friends and possibly the adults in his life, at least if you live anywhere like my town (and I live in a fairly liberal suburb of Boston).
I must say, though... he's a lucky lucky kid to have the parents he does.
Despite the fact that you have been an absolutely integral part of raising this family, there have obviously been hints dropped in your direction that you are to "blame" for the way the smallest B is "turning out". If the prejudice is there, the grandparents would find something to blame you for even if he and his brothers had all fit perfectly into the male gender stereotype. In my opinion, with the love, support and guidance given him by you and his parents, he will one day be old enough to proudly say that he knew who he was all along, and that there is no one to blame because there is no reason for blame to be cast. And as long as he has a strong installation of critical thinking skills, he will be able to get past the princesses and wedding culture that we try to force our girls to believe in. I did. Well, except for the heels. But those are my choice.
His brothers do fit the male stereotypes, and I raised them from a very young age too, so I can always use that in my defense.
I know his parents don't think there's even cause for applying blame, and I don't have to deal with Gram and Pa much. Still, I wonder how will all play out. I just want him to be ok, happy, well adjusted, and not picked on. I don't care if it means he has to wear sequins to feel that way, but it is still like nails on a chalkboard to me! Because of the sequins, that is. Not the transgender stuff.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I think that avoiding some of the stereotyping material on the market is okay for all kids, not just your charge. I also think when he is older, say, maybe 8 or so depending on where he's at, some of the older movies that show women on top but still looking classy could be a useful model---think katherine hepburn instead of marilyn monroe and cinderella. I was big into movies like that when i was in elementary school (well, still am, but i started young!) Gender bending Disney movie? Mulan. There is good stuff out there, you just have to find it in the drivel. When it comes down to it though, if he just isnt into that stuff you cant force him to be. If he ends up wanting to be a woman, he might not be a feminist like you, and you obviously realize that that is something you will have to come to terms with.
Hug a musician, they never get to dance.
Excellent blog - I'm still mulling over everything you said and will probably do so for the next 1.4 days...
We love kids but don't want them to deal with the hardships we have to - to the point where we encourage them enough to be themselves, but not enough to where they'd be picked on. I getcha - more than I'd like to...
Liz
"drink from that wishing well but may it never quench your thirst" - Indigo Girls
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/flnerd
I experienced the same thing with my little brother. I'm the only one out of my three sisters who never bashed on him and made fun of him for the things he did.
This is a most interesting view on this. I, of course, expected the fact that you are lesbian to make you happy that this young boy is getting such an excepting home that nurtures his own unique personality and be done with it.
I never thought of how you may be blamed for this (though unfairly so) or how, because of this, you cannot give him your all as a nanny. And for this blog, I have gained a new perspective.
You know, when this is all over, or even now, I think that it would be very nice to read a book about your experiences raising a transgeneder 5-year-old because, to say the least, this is a very unique situation.
The best compliment you could give me is to say that I helped you gain a new perspective!
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
i enjoyed reading this. and it definitely did give me a new perspective. challenged my thinking...so, mission accomplished. ;-)
This is an amazingly thoughtful blog. You're right, that little boy is so lucky to have such an understanding family, and maybe once he gets older you can steer him toward the less stereotypical, more empowering female route. I know I had my frill and sequin phase when I was that age, but I grew out of it. Maybe he will too.
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You must be the change you wish to see in the world -- Mahatma Ghandi
Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress. --Mahatma Gandhi
My Blog: http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/kablock
Wow, that kid's parents are fucking awesome!
First of all, there is nothing inherently wrong with this archetype. To say that there is is about as bad as saying that it's wrong for women to assert their civil rights.
Secondly, he's friggin' five! I don't know of many five-year-olds that even think about asserting their power as a person, much less as a person of a particular "gender".
--Mike
Check out the Topic of the Week
http://www.progressiveu.org/weeklytopic
Totally true! There is nothing inherently wrong with the archetypal feminine woman. Is there something wrong with inundating girls with the message that soemday their prince will come, and all they'll have to worry about is making everything nice for him? In today's world, I say yes. And I know the kid isn't going to be a five-year-old male-to-female feminist. Obviously! But it is still like nails on a chalkboard to read this crap to him. I want to raise him to be an empowered young woman with strong critical thinking skills..
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
The Princess and The Pea leans in that direction, as does Cinderella. They're about women taking initiative to get what they want (that is, a man).
Remember, he's five now, but how much different are you now than from when you were five? Teenage rebellion is a wonderful thing.
--Mike
Check out the Topic of the Week
http://www.progressiveu.org/weeklytopic
First of all, no one - I mean NO ONE - shold impose their beliefs on anyone else, especially those too young to know the difference. I don't care whether you're the Nanny, you are only there to take care of the child, not to raise him, that is the parents' job. If the kid is good enough for his parents, he should be good enough for you. A Nanny is not there to make life decisions for the child or for the parents. To put it blutly BACK OFF, he is not your child. It's like by "fixing" him you are fixing yourself. But there is NOTHING to fix. If that is the way he is, than that is that. I find it rediculous that people make such a big deal out of something like this, ESPECIALLY when that person is on the same side of the tracks, at least according to society.
I would suggest you go back and read this blog again, more carefully, if you even read it the first time.
There is no reason to "yell" at others. Turn the caps off. Although you make some interesting points, I think that your attitude towards this blogger is out of line, disrespectful, and maybe even a little bit discriminatory. Watch what you say and how you say it, please.
I think you misunderstood the intent of the post. (Thanks, my magical pink defender, BTW). He is good enough for me. The problems I have with the situation have nothing to do with his affinities or his gender identity. I think he's great. Do I wish he didn't fall into the "girls plan weddings and get their nails done" trap? Yes. Is that his fault? No. It's what society feeds children.
I am not in any way trying to fix him. It's not like I make him play with trucks or anything. In fact, we made a life-sized paper doll by tracing him on butcher paper. I drew his face (pretty realistically, if I do say so myself). I drew underwear on the paper doll, and he pointed to it and said, "That's where my bagina is." I made very gender neutral clothes, like pants and t-shirts and let him decorate them any way he wanted. It was sort of an experiment, since he inherits his brother's hand me down boy clothes. I wanted to see how he would decorate his paper doll clothes. He covered them in hearts, pink, and sequins. Then he requested that I draw a ball gown to his exacting specifications. It was a pretty amazing and therapeutic way for him to play act his feminine feelings.
So it's not like I am trying to change him in any way. I just don't go out of my way. Gender neutral. That way, no one can say it was my doing. I know it is my own internalized homophobia. It's MY personal failing that makes me feel this way. I know that. That was the gist of my post.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I have to commend you for sticking with this job. I don't think I would be able to handle a situation like that. Whether or not the child ends up transgender/transexual to me really seems like it shouldn't matter though. I mean it is something that isn't a societal norm, but some people want or inborn (I really don't know much about this so excuse me) and frankly I think that acceptance is important for all.
Ross Kressel
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/rosskressel
I agree that it shouldn't matter, but to some people, like his grandparents, it does. I don't feel it's a situation that requires fault or blame or shame or whispering, but my fear of confrontation by those who do is what makes me feel tense about my interactions with him. I recognize that this is my own personal failing. I have to get over my own internalized homophobia.
And let me make sure everyone knows that I love that little kid. I held him when he was two hours old and fed him his first bottle. No matter what, I love that kid. I only want him to be happy.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I can't help you with this subject but I just have to tell you that this is probably the best blog I've read on this site yet.
[Krst]
Sounds like an excellent attitude. One of my best friends is transgender and unfortunately she was only able to come out when she was nineteen, she suffered a miserable childhood for not being a proper boy. x.x
However I would hesitate to say that a five-year-old is transgender. Perhaps in his childhood he will enjoy more feminine things and as he gets older, gravitate towards masculine things. Or he may still enjoy feminine things but identify as male. True transgenderism is relatively uncommon, and I'd be very wary of labeling a young child as transgender, especially when it's a pretty tremendous disorder that requires a lot of treatment, both mental and physical. I think the main thing people should do with all children when it comes to gender is just do what the kids want to do. If the kid wants to read Cinderella, sure! If he wants to dress up as a ballerina, why not? Fact: he is biologically male, and at the age of five, explaining transgenderism to him would just confuse him. But why even bother with labels? Cinderella is just as suitable a book for boys as it is for girls. Pink is a lovely color worn by men all over the world. Lace is pretty - can't boys appreciate prettyness? People should stop labeling things. Nothing is "masculine" or "feminine." Being "female" means I have a female body and I'm comfortable with that, it says nothing about my sexual orientation, the way I present myself, the clothes I wear, the interests I have. I am still "female" if I shave my head, bind my breasts, and wear pants because I like the way it looks. I'm not doing anything "masculine" if I do that. Removing hair is not a "masculine" act. Making parts of the body smaller is not "masculine". Wearing a particular article of clothing or driving a particular car is not "masculine".
Bit of a tangent there, sorry. :)
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Please see my recent blog post, "Genocide and Student Activism": http://www.progressiveu.org/041447-genocide-and-student-activism
No one is labeling him yet; we're just preparing ourselves for what could be coming. No one is explaining transgenderism to him either. He sort of does that all on his own. A quote: "Ummmm, all the boys in my class like boy things (upward inflection), but I tell them that I'm ______ and I only like girl things and to play with the girls (upward inflection), even though I'm a boy like my brothers." That's his understanding of the situation right now. I am so proud of his parents for getting educated about the issue and being so nonplussed about everything. They really are doing everything right by him.
And I agree with everything you say about gender roles and identities visa vis clothing and other codification. I do all kinds of playing around that way. My reluctance with him is merely self-protection in a homophobic world.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I don't think that you should try to change your behavior because you are afraid of encouraging him. I think that he has already pretty much set in the things he likes and you should go with it. It probably won't change his behavior any more than it already is. If his parents are ok with him the way he is then you should feel free to be yourself around him. I know that I couldn't handle this as well as you are.
__________________________________________________________________
*Keep the pictures, they never change, but the people in them do.*
Do you read what you write?
He is 5. Five is crucial in a child's life, if he hasn't begun school yet he soon will. Why in the world would want him to go through all this. Nanny you are a grown woman you had years of experience to decide to be a .....lesbian, he hasnt. Ok it is not normal for boys to enjoy dressing up like princesses.
If he wants to once its ok but to encourage him? Thats a parental problem, but it takes a village to raise a child. I am in awe.
... read the blog again. More carefully.
First of all, She never said she wanted him to "go through" that.
Second of all, I at least feel people don't "decide" to be one sexual orientation or another nor do they decide to be trangendered. People are how they are.
Thirdly, no one is encouraging him, least of all this nanny. She said in one of her comments that she always lets him choose. When she is providing him with something, it is always gender neutral. And the parents aren't encouraging him, they're just letting him be how he is.
And lastly, assuming this is some sort of "problem", what would you have her do? Go against the parental rule? Is that what a nanny does? No. The are there to provide the child with care and nurturing by the parent's specifications. Not to raise the child by their rules.
Because no one in his village is making him feel bad about himself, and he is truly one of the most self-confident young children I have ever met. He is so lucky to have parents who love him no matter who he is. He's not doing anything wrong.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
This little boy (and I will use that term only out of convention) has a major advantage over who I was at 5. All the time I was raised as a boy caused more anxiety and angst than would have been caused by just being true to who I was through school and all that that would have entailed.
I am transsexual. I know the feelings of not being accepted just as you are. This boys parents are avoiding a lot of social and emotional issues that he might have suffered into the future simply by loving him for who he is.
As for your situation, I know it is easier said than done, but don't hold back. Anyone that could possibly "blame" you is simply displaying ignorance. Being a lesbian is not like a common cold, you can't catch it from someone and you can't give it to anyone. If they don't know that then their opinion is void anyway. Just be true to yourself. Nothing else matters. Besides which I read into this that your employers, he boy's parents, don't have an issue with either who you are or how you do your job.
Now to deal with stereotyping...... Both of my daughters at the age of five (and had I been allowed to at the age of 5) were very much into the princess, the knight in shining armour et al....... It wasn't what I wanted for my children. I wanted my girls to grow up strong and independent, and yet I indulged them because they enjoyed it. Now they are 20 and 15, both are strong independent women who don't rely on anyone to provide them with anything (well except for asking me when they need money ROFL). Being a trans* child is no different. By the time I was 14 I was full on into goth culture, and the frilly clothes, the knight in shining armour and all the fluffy stuff I wish I had experienced in my childhood were gone. I understand your concerns, but trust me a person will grow into themselves but these experiences are vital in a persons exploration of themselves, especially when they are 5.
Cathii
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Those who know everything have learned little from life.
Thank you. I really needed to hear the perspective of someone who has been through it. If I have further questions, may I drop you a line through the message feature? I want to do right by him and I want to do everything I can do to protect him from/prepare him for what might be coming. I think his parents are doing a great job so far, and amazingly, his classmates have an understanding that he will always play the part of the princess, but who knows how long that will last?
And I'm glad you made it. Too many don't.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
No problems, you an contact me anytime. I must point out though that not every boy that likes to dress up turns out to be transsexual. There are very many grey areas in the gender spectrum. All that any one should do is understand and accept, and I am sure that not only are you capable of that, but are already doing it! If you would like a story book to read to the brothers, or even the boy himself that is affirming of gender variance, then I have been told that a book called 10,000 Dresses is excellent. and is very age appropriate for this boy and presumably his brothers (4 to 12 age range?)
Oh and don't be shocked at his classmates acceptance. Young children rarely know the forced and artificial gender roles and traits (and for that matter sexuality either), and usually only come to some conclusion about what is "right and wrong" (ahem!) gender wise through parents, society and of course the onset of puberty. This little boy is lucky to have such caring parents and a wonderful nanny.
I will be more than happy to answer any questions you have to the best of my ability, and honestly that goes for every one else too.
Cathii
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Those who know everything have learned little from life.
I disagree. I was born biologically female but am a man. "The Village", as you put it, tried to "correct" me. Gender conversion therapy, medication, reprimands, punishment; you name it, they used it to try to force me to be what my body was, to neglect my heart, mind & brain. As a result I was suicidal, hospitalized, dropped out of community college, hated myself. That all changed when they quit trying to force me and actually listened to me.
What you suggest is the traditional way. So many have died either physically or spiritually because of what you suggest or simply institutionalized in a mental hospital. In truth, it isn't other kids which have a problem with gender transgressions, it is adults. kids are pretty much, "Are you a boy or girl? Okay. Whatever. let's go play." They see & hear adults freaking out & emulate them. Forcing a child to be something they may or may not be will lead to them becoming a burden on society just as I was. It might be done with the best of intentions but can have the most disasterous results...even death. If this young person is allowed, they will figure out on their own their own way. 50% that are allowed decide they are happy with their biological birth sex while the other 50% decide their birth sex is incongruent with who they are. The problem lies not with individuals who are born thusly, but with the popular misconceptions & stereotypes that society teaches us. I am but one example amongst many.
If I bought into society's outdated ideals & was forced to 'stay as I was" I would either be dead or have continued to be a cost to society, unable to support myself, deeply troubled. Now I am a successful, well-respected individual, one who lost over 300 lbs, achieved honors in his undergraduate studies & has a 4.0 in graduate school. I am someone who others can depend on, an intelligent, optimistic, happy, likable, productive, successful heterosexual male. The fact is that medical research says transgenderism/transsexualism has to do with the brain; for example, if taken out & examined, mine would be more like that of a biological male than that of a female. Since we cannot change the brain (as studies on conversion therapy have reveiled), we do have the technology to change the body to match the brain & allow people the chance to become happy, healthy, productive adults as I have.
--
"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I think that your points are valid. However, I believe that you shouldn't feel like you're the reason that the boy is like this. I think 5-year-olds may pick up on what's around them, but if his siblings didn't pick it up as well, then do you really think that you're the reason why he thinks of himself as a girl? Maybe having a discussion with the parents, though, about your concerns would help; reasserting the fact that you are lesbian, and addresing that you feel responsible. If the parents don't feel like you have influenced the boy at all, then I guess that it's your decision: either be the "best nanny you can be" or lay back for a bit. I think you're doing a good job, though! =]
You might want to reread. She is not concerned that she is influencing his decision to become a girl, she's concerned that others (specifically, the grandparents) will accuse her of influencing that decision. She's further concerned that even though he's identifying as a girl, it's not the sort of girl she would like to see him grow up to be, being a feminist herself.
~C
Check out the latest entry in the Between The Lines column!
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Hey, thanks for all the clarification you've been doing on this one. It's been nice to NOT have to restate my premise over and over. I kind of feel like, "I wrote what I meant; pay attention!" So I haven't bothered responding to those who missed it.
Anyway, thanks. I was expecting there to be a lot more hate mail on this one, but everyone has been really nice! It makes me feel a little better about the tolerance level on ProU, which the racism debates have me questioning.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
While he may have been a little off in his understanding, broken does have a good idea.
It would probably be a good idea for the author to talk to the parents and let them know that the grandparents seem to feel that she's responsible for how the boy is. They seem very supportive of "alternative lifestyles" and might be able to give enough backing to tell the grandparents to knock it off and see both the nanny and the boy for who they are, not who the grandparents think they should be.
-- quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Absolutely. Sorry if that seemed like a castigation of broken. I just meant that there've been a lot of misunderstandings, and mvenus has stepped up to clarify a lot, so I didn't have to. Which was nice.
The parents have made it clear to the grandparents that they need to be accepting of their grandson and of me. And the grandparents are very nice to me. In fact, grandma hugs me and asks about my partner, but I know from retelling of conversations they've had with the grandparents that they still have their misgivings about my influence. It's not a powder keg of tension, or anything. But knowing about their misgivings makes me mind my p's and q's.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
No worries, I read some of the earlier comments and saw the misunderstandings. o.o
That being said, if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Treat him the same way you treat his brothers, even if you still get him the gender-neutral items. He may grow out of his current tastes, he may not.
If any part of you should "rub off" on him, I think it should be things like being a strong, confident person who's comfortable with who s/he is.
It seems to me that the grandparents, who are most likely set in their ways and views (and I'm guessing probably don't agree with your "lifestyle choice" to begin with), are being willfully ignorant with holding onto the idea that you're to "blame" for the way the boy is. You, and the boys' parents, know better, though, which is what matters most.
There may also come a time when you'll have to confront the grandparents yourself. In which case, you can always use the older boys as an example that homosexuality (and in the case of the youngest, transgender [is there a better descriptive term than that? That seems awkward.]) doesn't "rub off." Arm yourself with knowledge, books, articles, etc. that show that such things are inherent traits.
-- quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
You must be an awesome nanny, no matter what negatives you've hinted at. I can see your natural humor in your post ("...he'd be wearing sensible shoes, not glass slippers") and how you truly care.
Why not read different types of stories? It doesn't necessarily have to have a female protagonist. Even girls will usually like good fairy tales with guys in the lead. Just because he insists on being a "girl" doesn't mean he has to go all out on the "girly" aspect. Wow, did that make sense?
I understand your concern with the stereotype of being a girl, versus him acting like a girl. Perhaps when he gets older he'll start seeing things a little differently and realize it's okay to like "girl things" but he doesn't have to fit into a specific category.
We read a lot of different kinds of stories. It's not like we ONLY read princess stories, but if he had his way, we would. In fact, we're all on a quest for princess stories that aren't pink and marriage focused. I got him a copy of "The Paper Bag Princess," which he hates, of course, because she doesn't dress like a princess. His mom found one called "The Princess and the Pizza," which he actually enjoys. And today we read "Follow the Drinking Gourd," which is about the Underground Railroad, not princesses at all, but it pretty much rocked his world.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
If you're unopposed to the Bible (it's Old Testament), the story of Queen Esther is a pretty awesome story in terms of activist women. It's a short book (10 chapters, 10 pages in my version), and it's got a pretty captivating storytelling method (rare for books of the bible).
There's a pretty good summary of the story on Wikipedia (but I think the actual story is almost as long).
--Mike
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Hey, did I miss Purim this year? It's my second favorite Jewish holiday. I love going to the spiel.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Yeah, it was last Tuesday... either during the day or at night... can't remember which.
~C
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I missed it! I used to work for a rabbi and would go to all their holidays, but they are on sabbatical in Israel right now, so I'm out of the loop. Sad. I used to make the kids' Purim costumes.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
What do you mean you "missed" Purim?! Purim is not until Friday, March 21. There's still time!
My apologies. The calendar I'm looking at has 'Purim Katan' listed on Feb 20, and I mistook it for Purim itself. Since my beau did something at his shul the night before, I assumed it was the actual Purim.
The certainly explains a lot, though.
Leap years suck.
~C
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:dances:
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It's the Jewish holiday that you're commanded to get plastered. What would possibly top that?
--Mike
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Oy. I hate Purim. Headaches for days. :-(
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Wow. First of all: you have guts. I don't know if I'd be able to stick it up with the grandparents having mixed emotions like that.
But secondly, I'm amazed. When I was younger, I wanted cars and racing sets and I never wanted to wear dresses - but I was still a girl. My parents, however, didn't agree, so they bought me Barbies (whose hair I cut off, but that's besides the point). His parents are very accepting, and I think the most we can say here is to simply go with the flow... it might be "just a phase" (don't I shudder to hear those words?) or hey, he lives his life like this, but he's happy, and standing up for what he believes in.
Thebest of luck with everything! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, with him and with his brothers before him.
First of all, that's awesome you're still sticking to the job.
Secondly,
How can anyone blame you for the son's behaviors???
I can't grasp that. I don't get it.
ultimate befuddlement.
And isn't it clear that is what caused his...his...CONFUSION?
:idk:
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I think what you are doing is great you are teaching him to be himself underneath it all. He just wants to do his own thing and it really is cool that his parents let him. I wish my parents let me be what I want to be. I'd be the luckiest person alive. You are a great nanny. So if it happens again and it undoubtedly will you know how to act.
you sound like an amazing nanny, and those boys are very lucky to have you as well as their parents.
There was a boy I knew who was very much the same way when he was young and was encouraged just as this boy was and as he got older he turned into a very sensitive loving boy. lol the funny part is he is very straight even tho everyone who knew him was sure he wasnt and he was pushed in that direction yet he grew out of that phase...you never know when a kid is young. This will be something he will figure out for himself.
And I'm so glad he is in a home that gives him the space to figure it out. So many kids who like artifacts that are inconsistent with the assigned gender roles for their sex are made to feel they are doing something wrong. They don't get any choice but the roles assumed "normal" by others, whether they feel normal to them or not. He is one lucky kid!
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I wanted to say I found your blog to be both etertaining and refreshing. GLBT issues generally are very taboo topics (as we all know), and it was refreshing to read your blog in its candor and thought provoking premise :-)
~Jessica~
"The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them" - George Bernard Shaw-
It's so difficult to distinguish between the behaviors that kids learn from others and the behaviors that truly define them as individuals. And of course, who's to say that in a couple of years he'll move on to new, more masculine interests? In the meantime, you are stuck being overly aware of everything you say and do for fear that you are influencing your young charge.
In the end, what is he really learning? Maybe he is perceptive to your fear and he is acting overly feminine to compensate? I can't pretend to imagine what may be going through his mind, but is it fair to you to have to constantly pretend out of fear? Shouldn't kids be able to recognize and accept difference in all people? What about his brothers - what types of behaviors do they exhibit?
They are "all boy." One brother is a sports nut, the other loves to build things. Little one has only ever liked princesses and fairies and flowers and hearts. Who knows? I like that his family is just rolling with it.
And the kids are all well aware that I am a lesbian. They know my partner well. It's not a big deal to any of them. I'm certainly not the only lesbian they know.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
what a shame.
:(
I don't understand this comment. What's a shame? Which part?
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Don't worry about corrupting your charge. Children are quite capable of deciding what they like on their own, and you wouldn't be able to force him one way or another if you tried. I can say with relative confidence that my babysitters did not turn me trans or bi- allowing me to play with what I chose was helpful, not an unfair shove.
As for feminist philosophy, you can recommend that in subtle ways. Showing "Mulan" instead of "Snow White" could be a good influence. Even "The Lion King," though far from ideal, at least occaisionally shows female characters in a powerful light. There's no real need to push, though - kids get it eventually on their own.
T.k.
People make too big of deal when something like this "happens". Let kids be kids, I think it's great you have that sort of connection with him. It's unfortunate the older generations who aren't so accepting. So sad.
That's a rough situation. I think it's equally important to talk to boys, girls, and everyone in between about feminism and female empowerment. I don't know how far to take that, necessarily -- I watched my share of Disney and read my share of fairy tales, and still turned into a raging male feminist -- but I really don't think that feminism/empowerment is just for womyn. Ze's just five years old now, and I know that hir's gender/sexual/personal identity is growing roots even now. If you can have conversations about issues like that which are at a level ze can understand, and continue that sort of dialog as ze grows older, you can hopefully help hir grow up into a happy, healthy person whatever hirs identity turns out to be.
Anarchism, Social Justice and Discussions about Beer and Sex at http://progressiveu.org/blog/against-the-system
my brother and sister are 4 year old twins. their father (my ex-stepfather) is a total homophobe and so is his entire family. i happen to be a lesbian. i know first hand how cruel that family can be. any time my baby brother starts to play with or wear anything "girly" he gets yelled at. my mom thinks it is cute when he puts on our sisters dresses and heals and prances around like a pretty princess but we try not to let him do that too often because of the fear of how he will be treated at his dads house if he did the same thing there. i feel terrible letting him do it sometimes and then have the issue of what might happen to him and how he might handle being bullied and teased. i guess what i am trying to say is i see where youre coming from
That's a mess.
:(
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I believe that as long as you know you aren't to blame for this, it really doesn't matter what other people think about the way you raise this child. And if the kid likes dresses, you should let him wear the dress. Watching "Ma Vie in Rose" made me see that not letting these kids do as they please can be very emotionally damaging. If you haven't seen the movie, i highly suggest it! And kudos to those parents.
Oh, wow...You've had a LOT of responses to this, haven't you?
Anyway, the one thing that shocks me is that he's so YOUNG. I didn't realize that GBLT traits can show up in little kids, and I'm about as worried for his future as you and his parents, because he's guaranteed to be given a hard time by his classmates.
So...despite my shock that he's so young, I will reiterate the fact that he's ONLY FIVE. Now, as he seems to be/ is identifying with the female gender, I would like to point out that pretty much every five-year-old girl wants to be a Disney-style princess--Cinderella seems to be a major favorite in that age bracket--so his gravitation to that is only to be expected since he is just a little girl at heart. He's almost guaranteed to grow out of the princess faze--most girls do. I just hope he doesn't become a cheerleader. (Sorry, inside joke with my school friends. We hate cheerleaders. They tend to be bitches in our school.)
Seriously, though. you shouldn't be worried so much that he's gravitating toward the Cinderella-style female. That's just what little girls do.
Now, as to your other major concern...It really sucks that you're in such an awkward position and that you can't REALLY be yourself and do as good a job as you can in being a great nanny...Just because of those stupid stereotypes. Unfortunately, I just don't know what to say on that, except "Good luck!" I've never found myself in anything even remotely close to that position, so I can't really be of much help.
Ugh...I got the pronouns mixed up, didn't I?
Since his immediate family is so accepting, he has nothing to worry about. His family is doing everything right by him. This might be a stage, and it might not be. It doesn't sound like they care either way.
I don't think this really has much to do with you. I understand not wanting to promote the fairytale thing to him, but at 5, it's not necessarily going to stick, no matter what he does in the future. Bring up the feminist perspective later, if at all, and let his parents decide what's best for him for right now.
-Sonja :)
You mention a lot of Barbie stuff, and I would never expose a kid to Barbie either...maybe some good Dora and Diego videos and books? Dora acts like a bad ass little girl, rescuing her little monkey friend with a hug in one book, going on adventures, and all that good stuff. If he wants to be Dora and not Diego, then its not a big deal, its a pink t-shirt and shorts, but still adventuring and stuff.
"I will greet this day with love, and I will succeed!"--Og Mandino
But I do think you may be overworking yourself. Don't blame yourself for something that's not wrong except by societal norms, and don't let paranoia overcome you with the raising of this boy. I actually know a couple of guys who did this sort of thing until they were 8, and they are straight, sports loving guys now. Although one I knew did continue this, and had a gender operation. However this was 1 out of 7. Have you ever seen the movie Bruno? If not watch it. Encourage the child as you would any other. Treat him as you would treat a girl when teaching him of these things. It is a matter of self expression-which is important in any lifestyle.
I will look it up. I haven't heard of it. Thanks.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I've been looking for this movie everywhere, and all I can find is a movie yet to be released Sascha Baron Cohen movie. It is about a flaming gay man, but that can't be the movie you're talking about, can it?
Otherwise, I can't find a movie called Bruno. Do you know who is in it, who directed it, or if it is a foreign film?
Thanks.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Interesting situation there. But it's the parents who set the tone, and they evidently know how they want to handle it. Presumably they also know how to tell the grandparents to go take a hike, and how to say "Ediblewoman has been great for all our kids".
All I can say is, if the kid and the parents will accept it, try to make him into the best little tomboy you can. Then he'll be ready for anything.
I have nothing to say. I can't offer you anything because I've never been in a situation remotely like that.
Maybe the reason he prefers "girly/princess" toys, the ones that conform to the damsel in distress kind of stereotypes is because that's just his personality. I've been in my school's GSA since I was a freshman, and the majority of my friends are homosexual or bisexual [comes with being a drama geek... you make lots of flamboyant friends ; ) ] and I have noted that some of the boys are more blatantly girly than others, just like some girls behave. They have different degrees of "girliness." Although this is getting close to comparing transgendered to homosexuals, which, as you said are not the same thing. For instance, my friends Dale and Milton (yes, I made those names up, but they're real people) I've known Milton was gay since the seventh grade. I dated Dale for a couple weeks when I was about fourteen and was suprised when he came out. His fabulousness was more covert because of his parents. But to this day, even though they're both out of the closet, so to speak, Milton is exceedingly flamboyant in all his endeavours and Dale more reserved. The same goes for me and my friend Sandra. She likes to shop, always does a full face of makeup and does frills and fluff 24/7. I don't. But we're both straight and both pretty in touch with our sexuality.
I think that it's just a personality thing. Some refuse to be the stereotypical damsel in distress homemaker, and some refuse to be empowered and take charge.
But I really really really want him to be able to stand up for himself, and I worry that if he goes to whole hog for the damsel thing, he'll lose that. Then again, the drag queens I know are the toughest women I've ever seen, even in sequins. The problem is, it was a hard won toughness, born of a lifetime of abuse. I want to spare him that.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
This is a really interesting problem. We are actually talking about this very subject in my Sociology class right now. It goes along with the Nature vs. Nurture argument. This child's nature is telling him that he wants to play with girly toys and to act like a girl. And his parents are nurturing to his nature. This is the advice that we have learn about in my class. Many prominent sociologists agree that you should nurture a child's nature. They believe that if you try to raise your child in contrary to their instincts that it will cause a lot of confusion, resentment, and problems for the child. And as much as I would like to agree, I just don't know if I would be able to watch my son (if i ever have one) play with dolls and dress in dresses and skirts.
I believe as a nanny that you are responsible to raise the child as the parents would like you to raise him. So nature his nurture, I'm sure he'll turn out fine.
It is interesting to me that many MANY parents would have a hard time with letting the child play in skirts, when that is what child psychologists recommend. Is there a fundamental mistrust of psychology? And where does that mistrust originate? Is it the stigma attached to psychological disorders that casts a shadow on the profession? It seems to me that professionals who have studied the well-being of the human brain might have some wisdom to share with parents, who generally have no training whatsoever in child rearing. I don't understand how so many would reject their advice out of hand. Hmmm.
Also, just to clarify, this isn't an attack on anything you said...it is a pondering inspired by your comment.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I believe that parents have a hard time watching their kids play with toys that stereotypically belong to the other gender, because it goes against their own nature. People understand things much better when they experience it as well. My father has issues with my brother wearing my sister's clothes, even though he just wants to be included in dress-up games. Now that he has more little boy friends, rather than just my sister and her friends, he does a lot more boy/sport related stuff. Anyway, I digress, my dad has a problem with it because he grew up in a time where wearing your sisters clothes or makeup was liable to get you beat up. I think some of it is a protective instinct as well.
I myself am a 30 year old post op transgendered woman. I could only wish that my parents had been so accepting of me. I also knew at 5 that being a boy wasn't what I wanted, and I remember it clearly. I would role play as female figures from cartoons with my friends when we played, things like that. I liked both.... I loved unicorns, barbies, barbie cars, pink and purple things, and I was always envious of my sisters clothes and things. At the same time, I loved transformers, hot wheels, and other technical/boy type things. Until I was oh, 8 or so I didnt have too many problems with my mother and stepfather, but I was always scared of my real father and my grandfather, for good reason. I was allowed to go out as Rainbow Brights unicorn for Halloween for a couple of years, which I liked better than any of the other costumes, but after that when I moved in with my father anything like that ended. I forced myself as a very young child to try and conform to the male stereotype ONLY. I got very good at it, and when one day at age 29, I told everyone hey, I just got back from Thailand and I'm female now, they all flipped. Only a couple of my friends and none of my family knew I was planning it. My father totally flipped out and would not allow me even at age 29 to see my two little half sisters, age 10 and 12, thinking that my 'lifestyle' was too much for them. That set off an argument through emails that did not end good. My mother refuses to talk to me, or even acknowledge me. My Aunt and Uncle are awesome however... I am working for them at their retail store part time right now. They tell people I am their niece, and never fail to say she, but it did take alot of conversing with them to make sure they understood about me. My aunt and I had some very heated discussions on whether or not I 'deserve' to be called a woman. lol. She seems to have come around.
I hope that this 5 year old finds his/her way without the mental stress I had to endure for years. Maybe by being open about it things will be actually easier for him/her. If he/she Is truly transsexual, then hopefully after careful consideration they can block any male puberty onset, which I can tell you is the single worst thing to happen to a MtF transsexual child. When my voice got deep I hated it, while at the same time trying to make it deeper so I wouldn't seem effeminate. I was lucky in that I did not develop like normal males, I stayed female looking for the most part, but for the majority of MtF's, puberty is not fun, and a disaster altogether. Finding out early is the best thing that could be done in my opinion.
Now that I am finally living life the way I want to be, its very easy to let go and be who I am. Who I am does nto conform to any one gender stereotype set. I still love butterflies and unicorns and feminine colors, but I still work on my own cars, fix computers, and like to compete sometimes. I am the same now as when I was little, just alot more complicated. :)
Anyway props on your open mindedness. **hugs**
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is very affirming to hear from someone who has been through what may be in store for my charge. It reminds me that I do have the best job ever. They are a great family. He is lucky! However his life turns out, they will be behind him. I'm so sorry it wasn't that way for you.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I really loved this blog, but just a few reminders. I used to play the helpless princess, make my kindergardern boyfriends perform tests of chivalry, and wear princess outfits. Today I am a feminist bisexual who grew up beating up boys who called girls fat or bullied the weak. When I was little pink was my favorite color and while I am typing with fake nails on I still love powertools . So don't worry. You can let him pretend, but you can also read him books by Tamora Peirce (when he's older, their novels with some mention of sex). Try getting him to pretend like he is the first female knight or that hes strong princess pocahontas, or that he's April fighting with the ninja turtles. (All things that I also played)
~~~~~~~
"I am a Stephens Woman."
http://progressiveu.org/blog/ashestree
This really touched me.
I wouldn't really know what this is like but i really love how you asked a question in the beginning, went deeper into it and then returned to the question. This situation must be really tough.