To Do:
-Make opthamologist appointment.
-Finish loan applications.
-Call people about Readlyn apartment.
-Find out how much Jeep is worth.
That was my to do list for today. It was pretty tame compared to other days. Some days I barely have time to sit down, always running from this appointment to that appointment, calling this guy about this program or that guy about that loan. It's hectic being 19 and pregnant. 5 months pregnant with a little girl, actually. Yes, it's hard to be young and expecting but honestly, I could not be happier.
My 20th birthday is next month. My boyfriend's birthday is 5 days later and he'll be 18. I start school next month. Eden Anne is coming in July. July 24th. I'm counting down the minutes till I meet her. Maybe I'm not a traditional mom or a traditional college student or really a traditional ANYTHING but it's all worth it. Looking back...it is ALL worth it.
My whole life I've been that outcast kid. Or at least, that's how I percieved myself. I live in a small rural town in Northeast Iowa and was the only non-Lutheran in my grade besides two token Catholics. My family is not even German like the rest of the town. (God forbid I be part Irish, part Polish!) We were poor but happy. Maybe we didn't have the biggest house on the block or a new car but we did have voice lessons at the local college and play tickets. We were culturally enriched in a way that a lot of other people weren't and I loved my family and my situation despite our lack of internet and iPods.
I am the oldest of two girls. I was the outgoing one, my sister the introvert. I was in all the clubs and was a cheerleader and active in choir and band and drama. I was popular and got good grades but I was miserable most of my high school career. I don't know what'd snuck into my mind when I was young but I'd been cutting myself for 8 years and starving myself for 5 by the time I graduated. Despite the depression and the self injury and eating disorder, I graduated in 2006 and had an academic and vocal scholarship to a fancy private college.
Needless to say, private school was not for me. There are many reasons why I couldn't stand it there and I'll probably tell you about them in another entry. I dropped out. I dropped out and for a year I moved around and worked dead end jobs. I started dating Jerome and we got pretty serious. Depression was still a major issue for me, though, and exactly one year ago, I attempted suicide. The attempt left me in the Intensive Care Unit of a major hospital for an amount of time that I don't actually know and then a stay in the psychiatric ward of the same hospital. I don't know how long I was there, I don't know how sick I really was, I barely remember any of the time there and almost none of the weeks preceding the attempt.
So how did I go from being a suicidal 18 year old to a pregnant but confident 19 year old? Good question. A lot of it probably has to do with the reality check I experienced in the hospital. Waking up in an icu bed with tubes coming out of every place in you and the first thing you see is your father sitting beside your bed, you realize what life is really about. I guess I just had to figure out death before I could figure out life. Sixx AM said it right, "it took a funeral to make me feel alive." After I got out of the hospital, I really embraced my recovery. I knew that if I stayed on the road I was on, I was going to die. I went to therapy once a week and for once was an active participant in it. Jerome and I were stronger than ever in our relationship, he was (and is) my rock and my road map. He puts everything in perspective. Last november I found out that I'm pregnant. At first I was terrified but once the fact started settling into my mind I felt better. I was happy to have my own little family and the baby was the final kick in the butt I needed to get myself out of a career and educational rut. I decided to go back to school at a local university for a degree in journalism and communications and probably english. I start in 3 weeks and I'm very excited. I finally have a plan for my life. I have a direction and peeing on a stick is what made me figure it out. Every struggle is for my daughter and for her to have a great life. It may be strange to say but I've really never been happier than I am right now. I am content in a way that I've never been and I hope it stays.
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Congratulations :-)
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You are the Voice of the Childwen of the Revowution! [Toulouse, Moulin Rouge]